Persistent Depressive Disorder

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Persistent Depressive Disorder
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    About Me

    Hello everyone; I'm still kinda new to TheMighty and brand new to this Group, so I wanted to introduce myself and kinda explain what I'm doing here and what I hope to get out of this group.

    My name is Ashlie. I'm from PA, USA. I turn 30 in 2 days. I'm divorced and have a boyfriend of 2ish years (we never really kept track of an anniversary date). I have an 8 year old daughter with my exhusband and 50/50 custody where she spends 2 weeks with me & my boyfriend and two weeks with her father at his mother's house. It's hard not having her for two weeks, but I'm also grateful for her relationship with her father and his family.

    I work from home, overnight, as a supervisor at a call center, so it's a lot of metrics reports and presentations, employee development and evaluations, and answering questions if anyone needs help with their calls or tickets. Not super interesting, but entertaining enough; I like the data analysis side of it more than the employee evaluations, but I digress.

    It's funny, when you start thinking of your hobbies, you start to realize that you're actually quite boring lol I like puzzles, normal jigsaw puzzles and also any sort of strategic puzzle games. I play a lot of single-player video games on my PC - a lot of the Fallout games, Satisfactory, Portal, Raft, Don't Starve, Cities: Skylines, stuff like that. Apocalyptical or city building type games. I like a lot of different tv shows; some things I frequently rewatch are Bojack Horseman, Doctor Who, Big Bang Theory, Smiling Friends, Family Guy, American Dad, Rick and Morty, House, Weeds, Archer, Always Sunny in Phila, Bobs Burgers, and honestly soo soo many more.

    I am diagnosed with ADHD, Persistent depressive disorder (aka dysthymia), general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Undiagnosed, but I feel strongly that I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, but this is unconfirmed. I don't have a doctor that I actually talk to at the moment, just med checks. I take Vyvanse and Lexapro. My disorders are not currently under control with the current meds, but I'm having an impossibly hard time finding anyone to talk about it. Everywhere is completely booked. I use medical marijuana (it's only legal medically in my state) in addition to my meds to battle the symptoms.

    I'd like a friend that has similar interests as me and understands my struggle with mental illness. I don't have any friends that share my interests. I have a lot of mentally ill friends, and we bond over that, but I found that I don't really otherwise have anything in common with them. I'd like a friend that likes what I like.

    Wow, that was long, so I'm going to wrap this up! Thanks for reading if you got this far, hope to hear from you.

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    Damn it!!

    I checked my weight yesterday and discovered that all the weight I’d lost before the pandemic has returned, and 20lbs more. I am now at my heaviest - ever.

    It took a long time, 2 eating disorder programs, and somebody being mad/disappointed at me to regain the weight. Add in Persistent Depressive Disorder, Spondylitis, and MS and I’m looking at a very long road to getting back to the pre-pandemic me.

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    Diagnosis Change

    My diagnosis was recently changed from simply Major Depressive Disorder to Persistent Depressive Disorder. It's no wonder I'm on antidepressant 15 or 17. I lost count. I’ve been officially depressed for over 20 years. I always thought it would get better. Now I know for sure I will always have a black cloud above my head. Everything will always be a shade of gray. What do I hope for now? I don't want to be sad forever.
    #PersistentDepressiveDisorder

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    Late nights

    So I finally started therapy during the pandemic and I was actually doing ok. Not great, but I was doing so much better than I had in a long time. This year was my senior year of high school so there were a lot of extra stressors in my life on top of just dealing with life in general but through therapy (especially EMDR therapy) I got through them. I was doing so well that my therapist told me that believed I no longer needed therapy. At the time I truly believed that too. But now I’m slipping back into depression and anxiety (I have persistent depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder). I am so exhausted all the time but when night comes I can’t asleep. I just lay in bed for hours upon hours not being able to sleep. Some nights my head is racing with thoughts, while other nights it’s just so quiet and lonely. I can’t do anything during the day because I’m so tired. But it makes me even more depressed because I keep missing more and more of my life. Even the days that I actually get myself to leave the house and do something, the night isn’t any different. It’s just exhausting being so exhausted.
    #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder

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    #Selfesteem

    I have depression and anxiety, been diagnosed with GAD & PDD (generalized anxiety disorder & persistent depressive disorder) i take medication that helps alot! I struggle alot with low self esteem & being self conscious in social settings. I think back to when i was a kid & how free i was, would love to have more of that now! Anybody have advice?

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    I'm exhausted!!!!

    Like many others who have posted being disappointed in their therapist I am feeling extremely frustrated.

    I've been struggling within the mental health system for over 20 years. While I have come a long way from being in my 20's having my first assessment of being diagnosed with depression. Right now I feel like I'm starting from scratch.

    After my 1st diagnosis of #Depression then a few years later depression and #Anxiety . Then a few years after that major depression, anxiety and #PersistentDepressiveDisorder . The next assesment was #BipolarDepression , to my current diagnosis of #CPTSD . Of course I guess I still suffer from major depression, anxiety, persistent depressive disorder and bipolar. At least when I finally got the CPTSD diagnosis I was finally dealing with the umbrella root cause of many of my issues.

    My exhaustion and frustration is that it took countless different assessments from different psychiatrist over many years. For me all the different psychiatrist only made the diagnosis and managed the medications they prescibed. As for getting therapy I was left to my own devices in finding an affordable therapist. Of course psychotherapists and psychologists are not covered by OHIP and had to resort to mostly student therapist rather then finding the most appropriate therapist that I clicked with and actually understood me or my individual needs.

    Because I could not afford $90 -$200/hr I had sporadic, inconsistent therapy for over 20 years. 4 years ago I finally got connected to a retired doctor now doing psychodynamic psychotherapy who is covered by OHIP. He is going on 70 if not older white male who unfortunately cannot really connect with me.

    Last week he stated that we are getting to one of my core issues that I almost too much empathy and struggle to recognize my own emotions on top of being a human sponge to the emotions of everyone around me. Even that I only became aware of HSPs a few years ago.

    Hmm...I think I have said that I have struggled with absorbing the emotions from those around me since my ealiest memories within the first few sessions of every single psychiatrist and therapist I have seen over the years.

    I thought psychiatrists and therapist are taught to listen and pay attention. It seems it really is only luck if you find the right therapist who you click with and actually identifies your issues in a timely fashion so that you can actually feel like you have been listened to and understood.

    I'm so tired, disappointed, disheartened and definitely still misunderstood by those who are supposely the experts in mental health. The system is so broken!!
    #HSP

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    Dysthymia

    Dysthymia aka Persistent depressive disorder or chronic depression.

    For me Depression is..

    Constant
    More than just being sad
    Not dependent on what is happening around me
    A hole inside me I can’t describe
    Darkness all around me
    Late nights and sleeping too much
    Barely eating or eating everything in sight
    Hopelessness
    Lack of motivation
    Despair
    Confusion
    Emptiness
    Fatigue
    Crying for no reason
    Crying for every single reason
    Being completely numb
    Physical pain like headaches and body aches
    Feeling like a burden
    Pushing people away
    Hiding in my head
    Loneliness even with people near me
    Self destructive behaviours
    Suicidal ideation

    I’ve been on medication off and on since I was 18 for my depression. First it helped, then I just felt like a zombie all the time. I got misdiagnosed and put on a strong mood stabilizer that seemed to help but eventually made me dependent on them. I had to stop my meds all together when I moved which meant I had two weeks of withdrawals, no sleep, racing thoughts, and suicidal thoughts. Over time I got back to a stable place without any medication.

    Until the depression came back again and again and again. This is why they call it chronic or persistent depression. It doesn’t go away and it never will.

    But after years of trial and error with medications, outpatient therapy, getting an actual diagnosis, individual therapy and an amazing support system around me, I am getting there.

    For me depression is also..

    Being able to empathize with others
    Helping others with my experiences
    Sharing my story
    Learning to feel and be okay with it
    Knowing that I’m not alone
    Knowing real joy because of knowing real pain
    Learning about myself
    Still having my faith in God and it only getting stronger
    Still holding onto hope even if it’s only a tiny shred of it

    It is being open and honest about where I’m at and when I’m in a depressive episode. But also knowing that it will pass.

    #Dysthymia #Depression #Hope #god #Vulnerable

    12 comments