post-partum depression

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This is myself and my ex (we’ll call him D). D and I dated about 2 years ago for about a year and a half (started in 2019). I gave up EVERYTHING for him. I was in a severe mental state, suffering from PPD, PPA, and PTSD as well as untreated Bipolar 2 and ADHD. My ex fiancé (we will call him M) and I had a child in late 2018. We were living with his toxic family, he had total control over my life, I had no job, no license, no real family to go to, he made me completely isolated. Fast forward to early 2019, I met D a long time before that via a “friend” and we stayed in touch minorly over the years. We really started connecting around late 2018. By the time 2019 hit M had given up on me and his family just became more and more toxic. I started meeting up with D in secret. We would just talk, nothing else. But early 2019 I told M I was in love with D, he didn’t even seem to care. In April I ended up going off the deep end, I wanted to kill myself. So I went to the only family I had left and I stayed there for a few days. Over the course of those few days M broke off our engagement, which hurt at first but wasn’t so bad considering we hadn’t loved one another for years but I knew nothing else and was completely dependent on him, so I stayed. I was homeless at that point, I had gotten a job that I worked 18.5 hours a week at and I was spending my nights in D’s car or on his drunk mothers couch which she started charging me $400 a month for. Finally I got an apartment, sorta. M got full legal custody of our son due to my mental state. I was able to take the bus and Uber to my son and work. D would sometimes drive me. Sometime in early 2020 I moved in with D and COVID hit. I couldn’t see my son due to his family having medical issues. My mom was diagnosed with cancer on my birthday and died exactly 2 months later. I was the only one with her when she died. She was at home, I was taking care of her. Giving her meds, changing her diapers, trying to get her to eat. It was horrible and watching her die was traumatic to say the least. We buried her next to her parents and my aunt and I went through her whole apartment. It was so sad and I didn’t know how to handle that. I started going off the deep end again, hurting myself really badly, getting into petty arguments, shutting out work and my son. I ended up in the hospital. In the parking lot D said to me “if you go in there you’ll never get your son back.” I was so numb I didn’t even care. I did my time and got better but as soon as I came home I was depressed again. I packed up my stuff and moved in with a friend for a few months till I got a place of my own. When I came back up here I got back together with D, but he was just using me for sex. He ghosted me after a few months and started seeing someone else. I was heartbroken. After a few months he told me we didn’t work because I had a son and he never wanted to be a parent. I cried. I had never felt a love like I had with D and to this day I still love him. Fast forward to now, D and his girlfriend broke up a few weeks ago. He had rearranged his whole life to be with her, like I somewhat had with him, and now he was lost. He turned to me for comfort. We have a mutual understanding this time that he is solely using me as a crutch till he can figure himself out. But I’m so torn. I still love him but he doesn’t love me. I was so happy with him, I thought, but now I’m not so sure. He’s lost some of his values that we shared. For example: he’s started taking edibles and I and strictly against getting high due to personal reasons. And he used to agree with me on that. He’s cold and detached but then sometimes he seems like the old D I used to know. I don’t want to separate from him again because I want to help him stop hurting, even for a blip. But it’s toxic to me. I know the right answer is to let him go and move on, but I just can’t. I’m not strong enough. I love him and I hate it. #PTSD #Bipolar2Disorder #PostpartumDepression #PostpartumAnxiety #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #toxiclove #toxicrelationship #Abuse

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A mother again #PostpartumDepression

Just something I thought earlier today and wanted to share here.

Becoming a PT working new mom from being a single FT working mom for 9 years is a really big difference. Less stress and less hours of work but with a 9 month old baby girl now. When COVID hit in 2020 I met my bf on a dating app who now is my husband. I wasn’t expecting anything serious usually because I end up meeting the wrong men but this time was different. I decided to accept the date and from our first day I never left his house. I told him about my depression even though it might push him away but he decided to stay with me and learn from it in order to help me. We got engaged soon after and married. Planned our first child together until the pregnancy was not as easy as I thought it would be. It became high risk and my job was demanding me to work in the same fast speed but I couldn’t. I got on disability until the baby was born and went on maternity leave soon after. I was so depressed throughout my whole pregnancy and scared of what might happen to her more than myself. She finally came at 28 weeks and in the nicu for 2 months. I decided to start working part time and just watch after her when I got off work.

It was so hard at first and some days I just felt down and depressed that I used to just ignore everyone even started not to answer my husbands phone calls and always argued about every little thing. I was having really bad headaches and whenever my daughter cried it will get worse. I went back to therapy and my pills but after 2 months I started to gain weight so my Doctor wanted me to stop it for a bit and just continue with therapy. Honestly it quit everything and I started to workout because I got very tired easily and I felt it was my weights fault.

I started to feel more energetic and then work on my Mental health looking for ways to help myself without these medications and therapy. Mostly my whole day is focused on my daughter and when she’s asleep I write on a journal or think of topics for a blog. I clean, I cook, I sing and play with her, I give her a bath and do her hair, do laundry and sometimes look at TV shows when I have alone time. I try to workout but she takes 5–15 minute naps during the day so it’s impossible to do that.

It’s so hard at 35 years old to become a mom again because it’s not the same as when at my 20s. I’m more tired, exhausted, mentally drained, too many headaches, overeating with the stress and not having time to take a shower. Becoming a mother once more is very hard on some but very loving because it will take your mind of your thoughts and focused on someone else’s. So now I’m ending thi story because I can keep going for hours.

Good luck to all the new mommies duringthis COVID times. And those suffering with depression, I just want to say to you that “you got this and never give up.” Someone is always watching you and there’s people willing to help. If you need support just reach out. #MentalHealth #Pregnancy #Depression

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Being a Mom with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Am I doing a good enough job for my kids? I feel like every parent asks themselves this question, mental health issues or not. I grew up with a Mother who had her own struggles with her mental health, and in turn she was always leaving; choosing whatever man was giving her attention at that time.

Becoming a Mom in January 2011 really threw me-it was a planned pregnancy, but the pregnancy complications and the crippling #PostpartumDepression left me feeling hopeless. That was really when my #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder and #Bipolar1Disorder really took over my entire life and admittedly, made me a bad Mom. I was becoming my own Mother, the woman I swore I never wanted to be like.

Thankfully, by some miracle of the universe I got the help I needed. Not without the major guilt I still feel 11 years later.

Parenting with #MentalHealth issues is a challenge, who am I kidding, parenting in general is a challenge. For me, I have to consciously remind myself to not let my own adult struggles to cope with my emotions and mood swings to affect my kids. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder really factors into every aspect of my life. Roller coaster relationships, the rapid ups and downs, fear of abandonment that made me act crazy in ways I don’t even want to admit. In my early 20’s I was spiraling. I don’t even know how we got to 31 all in one solid piece. But we did it.

Are there bad days? Absolutely yes. I’d be outright lying if I said there weren’t.
Do I sometimes cry in the bathroom with the water running so nobody hears me? All the time.
Have I had the thoughts of “maybe I shouldn’t of had kids”? Yes. (But I’m so happy I did)
Are there days I want to get in the car and drive as fast as I can because I can’t take one more minute of this? Also yes.

But the one thing I can pride myself on, the one thing I can truly say with 100% certainty, I am not my Mother. I am not just my struggles with #MentalHealth . I am here. I am present. I am going to show my kids the love I didn’t have from my parents.
In the good days and the bad, I’ll always be here. They saved my life in so many ways.
I owe it to them to be the best version of me that I can be.


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Sophia baby girl

A sweet bundle of joy wrapped in a pink blanket with a big bow over your forehead and pink tiny socks that still don’t fit those tiny feet. Born a 28 weeker but you made it strong girl. I couldn’t be any happier.
It doesn't bother me staying up all night while your still awake not being able to fall asleep
Getting up every hour or so to change your dirty diapers
A little whiny because your hungry and want to feed
Sleepless nights, early mornings waking up every hour or two

Because I'm a MOTHER and I will do it for you
Because I also have the maternity mentality and won’t complain at all, it’s my job and you are my piece of heart.
Holding you in my arms all day, swaddling you to sleep and be able to keep you calm if I need to. Even though I’m dying of sleep and paralyzed on my knee,
Taking quick baths to come back to you so you won’t wake up and cry because nobody is around.
Being sleepy for the rest of the day and night because you've kept me up all night,
yes “MOTHER” that's what I am.
#MomGuilt #PostpartumDepression #Depression

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Hi I started a support group for any mums or dads experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety to discuss how they feel, share stories and feel supported. I recently had my first baby and find each day I am struggling with depression and anxiety and was finding it hard to find a support group or others who were experiencing similar emotions or could relate/understand what I am feeling. I started this group so others could have some where to express there thoughts, feelings or even ask questions. I hope this can help anyone else experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety like I am.

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Some days the darkness has teeth #PostpartumDepression #Depression #lonely

Trying to hold onto memories, good qualities and kind gestures in the people I love, even if it’s not so recent. Even the tiny things. They feel like sparks of light and warmth.


#CheckInWithMe #PostpartumDepression

I feel like I’m so alone. I want to do harm to myself but I won’t cause I have a beautiful daughter that needs me. She is my world, god gave me a soulmate. But why do I have to hurt so much!


I don’t even know where to begin #Depression #Singlemom #AlcoholAbuse #PostpartumDepression

It feels like my life has been in shambles here lately. I am struggling with anxiety, depression and just crazy emotions and anger. I’ve been drinking a lot to cope with the struggles of being a single mom, co parenting with a narsasist and not having much support in general. I’ve lost a lot of “friends” and it feels like I am stuck in a viscous self destruction cycle that I can’t seem to escape. I don’t even know where to begin to get better.

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