toxiclove

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    This is myself and my ex (we’ll call him D). D and I dated about 2 years ago for about a year and a half (started in 2019). I gave up EVERYTHING for him. I was in a severe mental state, suffering from PPD, PPA, and PTSD as well as untreated Bipolar 2 and ADHD. My ex fiancé (we will call him M) and I had a child in late 2018. We were living with his toxic family, he had total control over my life, I had no job, no license, no real family to go to, he made me completely isolated. Fast forward to early 2019, I met D a long time before that via a “friend” and we stayed in touch minorly over the years. We really started connecting around late 2018. By the time 2019 hit M had given up on me and his family just became more and more toxic. I started meeting up with D in secret. We would just talk, nothing else. But early 2019 I told M I was in love with D, he didn’t even seem to care. In April I ended up going off the deep end, I wanted to kill myself. So I went to the only family I had left and I stayed there for a few days. Over the course of those few days M broke off our engagement, which hurt at first but wasn’t so bad considering we hadn’t loved one another for years but I knew nothing else and was completely dependent on him, so I stayed. I was homeless at that point, I had gotten a job that I worked 18.5 hours a week at and I was spending my nights in D’s car or on his drunk mothers couch which she started charging me $400 a month for. Finally I got an apartment, sorta. M got full legal custody of our son due to my mental state. I was able to take the bus and Uber to my son and work. D would sometimes drive me. Sometime in early 2020 I moved in with D and COVID hit. I couldn’t see my son due to his family having medical issues. My mom was diagnosed with cancer on my birthday and died exactly 2 months later. I was the only one with her when she died. She was at home, I was taking care of her. Giving her meds, changing her diapers, trying to get her to eat. It was horrible and watching her die was traumatic to say the least. We buried her next to her parents and my aunt and I went through her whole apartment. It was so sad and I didn’t know how to handle that. I started going off the deep end again, hurting myself really badly, getting into petty arguments, shutting out work and my son. I ended up in the hospital. In the parking lot D said to me “if you go in there you’ll never get your son back.” I was so numb I didn’t even care. I did my time and got better but as soon as I came home I was depressed again. I packed up my stuff and moved in with a friend for a few months till I got a place of my own. When I came back up here I got back together with D, but he was just using me for sex. He ghosted me after a few months and started seeing someone else. I was heartbroken. After a few months he told me we didn’t work because I had a son and he never wanted to be a parent. I cried. I had never felt a love like I had with D and to this day I still love him. Fast forward to now, D and his girlfriend broke up a few weeks ago. He had rearranged his whole life to be with her, like I somewhat had with him, and now he was lost. He turned to me for comfort. We have a mutual understanding this time that he is solely using me as a crutch till he can figure himself out. But I’m so torn. I still love him but he doesn’t love me. I was so happy with him, I thought, but now I’m not so sure. He’s lost some of his values that we shared. For example: he’s started taking edibles and I and strictly against getting high due to personal reasons. And he used to agree with me on that. He’s cold and detached but then sometimes he seems like the old D I used to know. I don’t want to separate from him again because I want to help him stop hurting, even for a blip. But it’s toxic to me. I know the right answer is to let him go and move on, but I just can’t. I’m not strong enough. I love him and I hate it. #PTSD #Bipolar2Disorder #PostpartumDepression #PostpartumAnxiety #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #toxiclove #toxicrelationship #Abuse

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    Toxic Relationships and Moving On

    I am borderline personality diagnosed comorbid with depression and anxiety.
    For three years now I have been in denial that my relationship is unhealthy and very much toxic, anot just for myself but my significant other, as well as our children.
    I begged him to start therapy to get over my infidelity that occured 3 years prior to the birth of our first daughter two years ago.
    Things have only gotten worse between us; we have had fist fights, we are constantly fighting or bickering to the point that I'm in tears daily.
    Our kids have watched all of it including me attacking him with a bedroom lamp.
    He is controlling and monitors everything in my phone and has gone as far as to hide cameras around our house.
    He accuses me of still cheating, throws my past drug addiction in my face and makes me relive embarassing and mortifying life experiences like the night three men used my addiction against me and took advantage of me sexually while I was not coherent enough to realize what was happening until after.
    He has also threatened to use my mental health diagnosis and past indiscretions against me in court if I was to try leaving with my kids.

    Thank you if your still reading this long ass post....

    The thing is that I have started creating an escape plan but I'm so conflicted inside. I want to stay but I really dont.
    How did you, if you have, finally get the strength and courage to leave? What helped you face the fear of being alone? How did you break the news to your significant other that you were leaving. Was your mental health used against you? what was the outcome of the court hearing for custody?
    #breakup #Relationships #movingon #Love #heartbreak #Abuse #DomesticAbuse #familylaw #Toxic #chronicstress #whatdoido
    #Adviceplease #Advice #seekinghelp #toxiclove #

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    Post

    Electric Love

    It is the time of year where loneliness is the hardest. This year is harder. I lost what I thought would be my close friend forever or potential mate. We were never together but we felt connected from our similarities. Sadly our similarities would only damage our mental health.

    I fell for his words, he encouragement and how he looked passed my disorder. I thought to myself where did you come from. Times were tough when he’d overeact about little things I did. It started to break me down mentally. I failed my first practicum because my emotional well being was so unhealthy. I believed it was just my disorder but I knew I was in bad shape. At times I was crying hysterically on weekends. I was not well but I knew it couldn’t be anything to do with him.

    We stopped hanging out which was very frustrating. I was lost and missed him. As time went on he would get angry if I called. He blocked me off instagram, his phone and facebook.

    I have developed an unhealthy attraction to a guy who has a few narcissistic traits. I lost a friend who said i would be an amazing mom. I lost a guy who said i had wife qualities. I lost a guy whom maybe is incapable of love. #Narsissistic #BPD #clusterbpersonalitydisorders #toxiclove

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