Ramble

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    Paranoid and very annoyed

    My trauma is all consuming and confusing I can’t think without overdoing and analyzing every word till Im losing the point of the root of the message and I forget the next steps in the routine trip on my feet stumble stutter and hope you don’t interrupt while I think
    Im not done yet I’m not done yet
    My point is that
    I still haven’t made my point
    I can’t think with all the static in my ears
    And all the stuff in the viewfinder cant fucking focus or zoom in stuck on automatic with no swing in my step or skip in my spring
    Bouncing bouncing
    What do I even hold to be true to me?
    I still haven’t made a point
    Pointless, all of it,
    So it would seem
    Intelligent but still not like it seems
    Intel
    Intel
    Intell me I’m in hell and it feels like you can tell and see
    The sweat forming bead dripping down on my brow
    All these thoughts just shot the fuck out
    12 gauge, buckshot
    Calibre to kill some time
    Just don’t
    Interrupt me
    When I’m
    Fucking
    Looking
    For the point
    Looking for the point
    Sputtering
    Stuttering
    Mostly mostly
    Suffering
    Fucking
    Looking
    For the point
    I’m still talking
    Traffics really unpredictable
    I still haven’t found out if I consider it all livable
    #BipolarDisorder #Mania #Ramble #MightyPoets #BipolarStigma #FlightOfIdeas

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    Never ending loneliness

    At least that’s how it feels.
    I have a wonderful partner, I want to marry him some day, he is my world.
    I have a best friend, she lives in another state, but we text and watch tv over FaceTime together all the time.
    I have the best dog EVER, my baby boy, he keeps me motivated and positive.
    And yet.. I’m so lonely. All the time.
    When I wake up, when I’m spending time with my partner, when I’m walking the dog, til the moment I fall asleep.
    I just feel so empty.
    I’ve felt this way since I was small, probably from the constant emotional abuse and neglect, but I’m sick of it.
    I’m sick of being comfortable with feeling like crap, all the time, because I was never allowed to be happy, I was told I was just being “MANIC,” and getting on HER nerves. I want to LIVE, and not care about what everyone is thinking and to let myself FEEL without worrying I’m going to bother or offend somebody.
    It’s painful.
    I feel so guilty.
    There are people who have it way worse but

    It’s SO lonely.
    #lonely #Guilty #Ramble #Vent

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    Come On Fall!

    So the picture above isn’t the one I’d intended to use, but I found it while looking for the fall leaves one I have buried somewhere and sorta couldn’t pass it up. That’s 120lbs of “can you please tuck me in” blanket baby right there. 😂🤣
    I love cold weather and trained both my dogs to be blanket babies so I could keep the house cool enough for cozy pjs and cups of tea as much as possible. I was thinking last night how much I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving. Not that I want to rush through fall, but because turkey and the trimmings sounds so darn good! I know the solution would be to go ahead and make a turkey now. And believe me, I’m tempted! But the summer weather here is still so darn hot that using the oven, especially for such a long time would make the house too hot to be comfortable. Alas.
    I’m also hoping that with cooler temperatures, I can perhaps try to get off my behind and try to get into shape a little bit. I’d love, love, love to look for something like a kickboxing class or even some sort of old-person-with-no-rhythm dance class to take, but just thinking about it makes me so exhausted! Soooo step one, cooler weather. Step two, move more. Step three, find a trainer or a class or some such for super duper beginners. Step four, endorphins? 😂
    All I know for certain is we need some pretty leaves and some turkey—stat! 🙂🙂🙂 #Ramble

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    Not Another Day of Chaos

    After a long night of insomnia, I had a day of puttering planned, getting a start on my closet, maybe some laundry. (I moved into my partners home with his divorced parents🤥😠 and my disabled parents 🤪🤨after a fire in our rental) But no, I got dragged to Home Depot, (6 AM) then as we were heading to another hardware store I get a call. My friend spent the night in jail and she had a seizure while in there. I am deeply worried, but have to be her friend from afar for a bit, she is bottoming and its rather triggering. I feel like a bad friend. I made it home and I was pulled in every which way the second I walked in the door, and the washer/dryer are being used. So there goes that. Just to really push my hormonal anxiety over the edge my dad (disabled/bipolar/PTSD veteran) fully flips out during my mom's nap (mom's also chronically ill and in recent remission, she needs rest ) just because I was knocking on their bedroom door. So that explosion over nothing lead to me bawling my eyes out, snot flying and really letting myself cry. After the initial round of tears/ anxiety attack, I felt better. My face is salty and my eyes look really raw. I had a realizaothat not only do I need to take better care of myself but that letting myself cry felt good. #PMDD #random #Ramble #Longday

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