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Living in a home with so many invisible illnesses.
In my home we have a shopping list of invisible illnesses, and they are nearly impossible to manage all at once.
The Ringleader (me) suffers from some sort of metabolic disorder that is going undiagnosed, an ongoing epileptic disorder that is going undiagnosed, C-PTSD, PMDD, Social Anxiety, Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Asthma, Migraines, joint pain, bulging disc's in the back, Auditory Processing Disorder, and Executive Function Disorder
The Circus Bear (my husband) has C-PTSD, DID, Anxiety, undiagnosed arthritic joint pain in knees, right elbow, and back, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and withdraws from society as a response to Suicidal ideation, Post-Traumatic Arthritis.
The Unicorn (daughter) has C-PTSD, fear of abandonment, Generalized Anxiety, Clinical Depression with self harm, Anorexia, and a profound sense of justice/injustice, if you betray her, are a hypocrit, or break a promise, you are dead to her.
The Fire Drake and Ice Dragon (son) is Autistic, has severe suicidal depression, especially when bullied at school, Social Anxiety, Executive Function Disorder, C-PTSD, all negative emotions start as anger
Finally, The Weeping Willow Dryad (mom) C-PTSD, Has endured 2 back surgeries that failed, chronic pain, Agoraphobia, Skleroderma, Raynauds, Rheumatoid Arthritis in her hands, Osteoarthritis in back and knees, Social Anxiety, Clinical Depression, and an emotional reactive disorder that has gone undiagnosed.
As Ringleader I am in charge of making sure everyone takes their medications, at least tries to get to some sort of therapy, drive everyone to appointments, physical and mental. Know everyone's favorite foods, cycles of physical and emotional needs, understand who is feeling ill when. Get all meds for everyone from the pharmacy. Attend 90% of appointments. Get food for everyone, that they like. Listen to the complaints of every single one of them.
When I finally speak about the negative behavior that is effecting people in the household, I get attitude.
From screaming, to blowing the comment out of proportion.
If I say "please stop answering people for me"
I get "I will never talk again, you never have to hear my voice ever again"
If I schedule a much needed test on the wrong day, I get guilty about it.
If I say "I would have done _____"
I am accused of telling people how they did it wrong.
I am trying to manage my home and the people in it.
All I really want to do is run away.
I dream of tropical places, and travel, and being responsible only for myself.
I feel like I am holding the whole place together, and without me no one will be able to function. This has been proven many times.
I am so tired, so empty, burned out.
The light I have always had is getting dimmer and dimmer, and I lost so many people because I had to protect myself from them in order to manage my home.
I know this is all a ramble...rant, maybe none of it makes sense.
I just needed to let it out somewhere.
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #BipolarDepression #ChronicDepression #Anorexia #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #Autism #Agoraphobia #SocialAnxiety #ExecutiveFunctionDisorder #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #PMDD #TemporalLobeEpilepsy #Epilepsy #SeasonalAffectiveDisorder #EatingDisorders #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Arthritis #Skleroderma #RaynaudsDisease #ChronicHeadaches #ChronicMigraines #InvisibleIllness
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