realizations

I just realized something just now... I seem to have better relationships with men who are already in serious relationships. I have no intention of stealing them away from their respective significant other, but I think it's because they have in a lot of ways created safe zones for me. Knowing that I have no chance with them at all feels safe. I appreciate a man with a solid relationship and is compassionate with others, but doesn't over do it. Some of them gave me a lot of guidance and confidence to be myself. Being around single men has the opposite effect. Even though they can be nice and go above and beyond, I still fear that it's all a lie. I can even find myself liking them, but I still feel that it will not last long. It's really weird. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Relationships #realizations

Today, I feel very calm. For the first time in a while, I do feel ok. I do feel very excited about the goals that I have that I want to achieve. One of which is getting my drivers license. ( I’m 24, when it comes to life’s achievements, I’m slow at making things happen and I’m a late bloomer, but I do get there eventually.) There are a lot of things that I’ve come to realize about myself and my attachment to people and I feel like I need to be more attentive to myself and my mental wellbeing. It’s because of my way of attachment and the kind of people that I choose that has caused a lot of my mental issues, along with other things. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need to make some changes with myself. I feel like I want to change how I look, I dyed and cut my hair recently and I might decide to let it grow out. To be honest, ive just been doing things impulsively and not caring about whatever happens. The last few days have been spent in highs, painful lows, intense anger, and a lot of anxiety. On Monday, I ended up talking to a counselor on the suicide hotline chat because I had a dream that I was going to be abandoned again and I literally and firmly believed that it was going to happen. With all of that, I just feel like my mind just went from going crazy and experiencing a million emotions to literally “imma head out for a while” mode. I do feel mellow, but in a way, I don’t really feel anything. It’s a strange place, but I’m dealing with it. #MentalHealth #Depression #realizations

The other day, I’ve come to realize that (among other things) I have a hard time saying “no” to things and people who aren’t good for me. Along with that, setting boundaries is another issue because I feel bad for standing my ground. I also have a hard time speaking my mind as to what I want or need from people. Sometimes I do know what I want, but I can’t put it into words or like most times I’m indecisive. One thing that I really don’t like is the fact that I’m easily affected by other people’s emotions. If they are angry, I get angry. If they cry, I cry. Some my say that it’s a good thing, but for me, I feel utterly embarrassed if I don’t have control over my emotions in front of other people. ( Let alone the fact that I have a hard time controlling my emotions period.) If and when I do cry, I can’t stop. When I’m angry, it’s explosive and very hard to come down from when I’m in that space. I don’t take criticism well at all. My mind instantly goes to what I call “self destructive mode” which is an endless cycle of me feeling myself that I’ve messed up or that I’m worthless (among other thoughts). During these times, I feel anxious, distraught, I isolate myself (which makes it worse). I end up injuring myself when I can’t stop the negative thoughts. I’ve got a lot to work on and a lot of things that I haven’t forgiven myself for. All I can say is that I’m still learning how to live. #MentalHealth #NegativeThoughts #realizations #SettingBoundaries #Emotions #EmotionalIntensity #Selfdesructive

I’ve come to realize some things about myself in the last few months. There are times when I do push people away, but I don’t want them to leave. I can be sharply angry about something out of nowhere and was just laughing and joking earlier. I sense of identity is completely blurred and changes so much. Some of my most intense feelings are internalized and I can’t put them into words. I will pinch my skin until I leave a mark as my self injury of choice ( I once did this and felt a sense of euphoria, that’s when I knew I was in deep trouble.) I experience emptiness more than before, along with heaviness and fatigue. In this depressive episode, I had more suicidal thoughts than before. Whenever I feel overwhelmed with hopelessness, I always pray, but sometimes the emotional pain is just so much that I even ask God to let me die in my sleep. I’ve even “made peace with death” at one point. No one outside of my family knows that I’ve dealt with mental health issues or the fact that I’m on antidepressants. I’m not ashamed of it and I know that it will come up at some point. #Depression #MentalHealth #realizations #SuicidalThoughts #Emptiness #Selfharm #identitydisturbance #emotionalpain #Instability #moodswings

I. Am. So. Angry. I have Complex PTSD and anger is one of my top 3 symptoms. I am an angry person in general- I think so anyway. I try to be logical about it and rationalize it away. I try to rid myself of this anger with sheer willpower. Yeah no. Not so much. My anger often turns into rage- which is VERY different than anger. With rage- all you see is red and anyone in your way will be verbally demolished. Then of course later you think about it and feel horrible. But that's what it is.

I am going through a hellish situation with the "landlord from hell". We've all heard those stories, and mine is one of them. Anyway, I'm also dealing with moving in a very short plan without much of a plan- and I have to have a plan- so my level of discomfort is unbelievable.

But the anger I feel. I feel it, obviously because of my situation at home and moving and my landlady. But today at work, I became angry at EVERYTHING. Everyone was pissing me off. Like a domino effect. I am angry because of my housing situation, but somehow that knocked another time that I was angry, and a time before that, and a time before that. Like- everything that has ever made me angry somehow is all at the surface, at once. I am not angry at every single person I know. My family (that's another animal), EVERYONE I work with. The guy at the grocery store 2 weeks ago. My doctors. My entire life. I've been this angry so many times, but I've never had it metastasize in this way. Spill over into every aspect of my life to where I hate everything and everyone.

This is really just an observation. But I am just really surprised at my feelings, although this situation is so, so difficult and I am navigating the waters alone. And I'm 36 now, and only just now discovering I'm an actual adult, and not just an extension of my grandmother who raised me. So I've got a lot on my mind.
I'll let this anger exist and not fight it and let it flow through me ( I say this now but if I spill a glass of milk or accidentally hit my foot on the door tonight I'm going to fly in a rage and all of this idealistic talk will just fly out the window ) . That's the thing with CPTSD. In many ways you don't know what's coming- you don't always know how you'll react to various stimuli. I. Am. So. ANGRY. #CPTSD #anger #Outofcontrol #Rage #symptoms #Trauma #realizations #vulnerability