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Unstable Friendships Anyone?


I'm new here. Not sure what to expect...

All I know is that I'm not sure how to cope. I don't know how to get off this merry-go-round.

Unstable friendships anyone? I can't stand my own temper tantrums and I can't blame anyone else. I do own responsibility here, though. My proclivity towards pushing everybody away is getting old fast. I understand I leave so I don't get left. But is that really the best way to live? Sadly, there's no controlling this locomotive, that I know of.

I don't want to be this way anymore, but I'm not sure which coping strategies to use when it's actually happening. People get tired relatively quickly and I can't say that I blame them, I mean, what's the alternative? Putting up with my immaturity?

The sad part is that I have a thorough understanding of everything that's happening in real time intellectually. I just don't know how to stop the Hindenburg.

Which coping strategies work for you? How do you tame the beast within?

I sincerely wish all of you some form of relief.


Lymphatic Lady

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Instability #merrygoround #Hindenburg #UnstableFriendships #UnstableRelationships #TemperTantrums

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How to cope with the instability of Borderline Personality Disorder?

It still takes me a moment to realize that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. I think there is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding BPD. Many people think that BPD is like DID. But besides these misconceptions, what can I do to cope with the emotional instability and chronic instability of BPD? I am in DBT therapy which is teaching me how to regulate my emotions but once I am triggered, those skills don't matter. In severe cases, it can send me into a crisis or a near crisis (suicidal ideation or self harm urges) which I know is common in people with BPD. I just need a little support right now. Realizing that the trauma I endured not only left me with PTSD but also BPD is a lot to take in. So, those of you with BPD, how do cope on a day to day basis? How do you stop yourself from going into a crisis? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma #PTSD #Abuse #help #Instability #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #checkin

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How to get over instability

I have had a fear of stability my whole life. Now that I am 30, it has to stop somehow. Scared of staying in friendships, scared of staying in jobs, scared of community, romantic partners, etc. Always afraid they will find out how different or odd I may be and rejection will occur. The fear in general makes me odd, which makes situations bad.

To anyone who has beat this, kindly, please give me advice. It's all I have really ever known and am at a place in life where running is not an option anymore. Can't do that to my kids as they are young and deserve stability themselves. Stability may help with finding me, but it is terrifying yet has to be done...

#stability #Instability #beatbpd #beatbipolar #beatanxiety #StayStrong #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder


Small Realizations

I’ve come to realize some things about myself in the last few months. There are times when I do push people away, but I don’t want them to leave. I can be sharply angry about something out of nowhere and was just laughing and joking earlier. I sense of identity is completely blurred and changes so much. Some of my most intense feelings are internalized and I can’t put them into words. I will pinch my skin until I leave a mark as my self injury of choice ( I once did this and felt a sense of euphoria, that’s when I knew I was in deep trouble.) I experience emptiness more than before, along with heaviness and fatigue. In this depressive episode, I had more suicidal thoughts than before. Whenever I feel overwhelmed with hopelessness, I always pray, but sometimes the emotional pain is just so much that I even ask God to let me die in my sleep. I’ve even “made peace with death” at one point. No one outside of my family knows that I’ve dealt with mental health issues or the fact that I’m on antidepressants. I’m not ashamed of it and I know that it will come up at some point. #Depression #MentalHealth #realizations #SuicidalThoughts #Emptiness #Selfharm #identitydisturbance #emotionalpain #Instability #moodswings

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Hoarding and why I do it

Hello. My name is Sharyn. I am a hoarder.

When I was very young, Child Protective Services took me from my birth mother. I was placed into a foster home, then adopted out. My adoptive mother was a stay-at-home Mum until both my brother and I were in high school. My late adoptive father was a builder.

Every time he built a house, we would move into it. I lived in multiple houses, and went to seven different schools. As each house was built, I gained a nicer home than the previous, but I lost a former place of security. I lost my old school's friends. I lost, for a period of time, my ability to know where I was (I had to learn the new location: all the important streets, where the shops and parks were, etc.)

My father was making a better life for us, but it was tearing me apart.

Throughout my entire life I have had that sense of security torn away from me, time and time again. So I started holding things close to me, not willing to let them go.

First it was toys. My favourite teddy bear will *never* get thrown out, I won't allow it. I don't care that it's over forty years old. It's in the top of a cupboard in my Mum's house, and is on strict orders to remain there.

Then it was books. I amassed hundreds of paperbacks, on multiple bookshelves. I purchased a Kindle, and that was the beginning of a whole new level of book hoarding: I own over 5,000 ebooks.

Now and then it was people. I literally have two functions re people: I'm 'meh' (I can take you or leave you, it doesn't bother me either way), or I'm obsessed with you, to the point that it probably freaks you out. I have a love-hate relationship with people. Objects stay as long as you want them to. People, however, people are different. They leave when they want to, and when you're someone like me, that tears your guts out. So, more often than not, I leave first, or I just don't go there with them in the first place. People are unpredictable, and I need predictability.

So here is my truth: I hoard to feel secure, to fill that feeling of scarcity, of loss, of fear. I hoard things so that I can tell myself I'm in control. I hoard ebooks. I hoard technology. I hoard stationery. These things I hang onto. Then there's the junk I hoard like receipts, mail, cardboard boxes, etc., that could get thrown out straight away, but doesn't get done so for months. Finally I get sick of the sight of it and do a purge. Fortunately I live alone, so no-one else has to deal with it.

I'm 42 years old, but conditioned to respond just like I did when I was a child, and a teenager. Except the threat's not there, anymore. My emotions, however, still are.

Hello. My name is Sharyn. I am a hoarder. And at long last I can - and have - speak of it.

#Hoarding #Instability #Truth


Sitting On the Floor While Feeling Numb

I just got in from work this morning to sit on the floor in my bedroom. I’ve just written a poem (as I sometimes do), only to be faced with the crayola markers and notebook in front of me. I’m physically exhausted, my mind is going around in circles over many different events and people in my life. I feel compelled to cry, but I can’t. I want to give into anger, but I can’t. So much time has been wasted on both of those things, and I feel like this is my body saying that it’s about time to give things up and stop hoping to be seen. All the while sitting with my hands in my lap, head hung low, the only noise heard is the fan going. I need to get up, but there feels like a disconnect from my brain and limbs. I seem to struggle with my self worth so much that I’ve come to realize that even my self image changes so often with different people along with different interests. It feels like I have a million different personalities for every specific thing. As much as I want to voice all that bothers me, it often feels better to keep a stiff upper lip at times because I’m very used to going through a lot by myself. Because of this, I find it very hard to ask for help. For many, many years, I’ve always felt that in some way something was/is wrong with me. As much as I crave community, I find myself wanting to separate myself from it whenever I feel trapped in. The same people that I’ve had deep admiration for are at times the ones I end up hating more than anything should things go south. I think all I’ve known in most of my relationships is instability. I come when I want your company, but I will leave without warning. Also making a point that I don’t need you. I’ve kept many people at a distance because of my wanting my independence and individuality above a number of things. But on the flip side, I could be selfless regardless of how you treat me. It’s moments like this where I feel everything and I don’t have anyone to share my feelings with because I feel that no one really understands the depth of my mind and the emotions I feel (which at times can be intense). So I do what I do whenever I get home from work... I sit on the floor feeling either empty or essentially numb. #MentalHealth #feelingaloneandlost #Thoughtspiral #numbness to everything #numb #Reflections #confessions #Splitting #Instability #feelings #Duality #Selfworth #Selfimage


#Instability #Brokencycle

Migrating. #Constantinstability does fuck with you. Stable and Secureness really does make a difference. Packing and moving and adapting seems more like a curse than a blessing. I just want a place to call my home and be with my son and Christian ❤ Thats all I want ❤ The uncertainty and nnot knowing where and what youll be doing gives me anxiety.
Just Rest,ans H❤PE FOR THE BEST ❤ #Hope

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#ChildAbuse #SexualAbuse #Instability

I'm crying.
It's time this was acknowledged for all the shit kids who aren't really safe go through.

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BPD and Work Instability #BPD #jobseeking #ADHD #AttentiondeficitDisorder

I’ve been working on-and-off since 2013 which seems like a love and hate relationship. I get way too excited way too soon, but when that sense of thrill, adventure slows down, so does my motivation. I tend to give up on my job before it gives up on me. But this isn’t the only reason why I haven’t found work stability. A bigger part of the problem was LACK OF ATTENTION and RIDICULOUSLY SLOW GRASPING POWER.

I made up my mind during my early days of graduation that I wanted to be a journalist, a field reporter to be precise. Unlike other people, I wasn’t required to sit on the chair for eight straight hours. Little did I know that the reason why I hate a desk job was because I was always anxious, restless and distracted. This limited my work choices. I often made a comparison of my work with other journalist and realised that I wasn’t very good at it. Thus, this comparison led me to rethink my career choices.

I would get extra sensitive when my boss would scold me, when my stories failed to garner wider attention or when I was made fun of for fixating on a particular news story. I was convinced that the world just didn’t appreciate the amount of efforts that I was putting in. I bounced from one organisation to the other. To find “THE ONE” for myself.

I am at that stage of my life where I have a post-graduation degree in social science but no job. Because I am fixated on the idea of finding that one suitable job for me.

So where did I go wrong in my job search hunt in six years?

1. Fixated on the idea of getting a job profile which I SPECIFICALLY wanted. Not ready to explore other work opportunities.

2. Preconceived notions about other similar work profiles hence rejecting them at an early stage.

3. Consciously or sub-consciously sabotaging my work by showing little interest, little motivation and pushing my pre-conceived notions against it.

4. Jumping to a conclusion that the particular work profile was not meant for me in less than a month.

5. Slow progress often demotivated me way too quickly. So much so that it became hard for me to bounce back from it. (Feels like a trauma).

So what can I do about it?



3. Give at least 3 months at an organisation before coming to a decision whether I want to continue with it or not.

4. In case I am not making satisfactory progress, I will approach a colleague or senior to help me out. I will make some efforts to make myself better and not let the introvert nature get into my head.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #ADD #Motivation #Work #stability #Instability #failure #progress #positive #thistooshallpass