scapegoated

I’m having difficulty with forgiveness right now. I listened to a YouTube video with the title “Grief - Pathway to Forgiveness”

I have so much to say I could not just reply the the post on forgiveness last week.

I had listened to that video hoping I would literally get some easy steps in how to forgive. Insteas it listed emotions associated with undisguised grief. Until I saw the list I didn’t even realize I was holding onto these emotions and they were blocking my ability to forgive.

For me until I let myself grieve for what created those feelings it would be very difficult to forgive those who caused them. “I need to grieve for what I deserved and didn’t get”. “For what I got and didn’t deserve”. This is not straight forward at all. Especially as I know grief is not linear.

Being raised by narcissists I was so disconnected to the point I consistently dissociated away from all feelings. So until I saw that list I couldn’t have articulated any of them for to anyone. I could try to explain and justify why I developed that strategy but I’m so tired. Tired of trying to prove that being gaslighted and scapegoated back to my earliest memory created so much difficulty, and suffering. This impacted my whole childhood up to this day. I literally accepted this treatment as “normal” until very recently. After years of therapy, emotional pain and suffering. This impacted every single friendship, romantic relationships and my work. It wasn’t even just my parents who gaslighted and scapegoated me. My 3 older siblings did too.

How do forgive 5 people who chose staying in their own denial so they could pretend they are all at peace at my expense. For years I was made to feel from anyone I ever had the courage to share my feelings, thoughts and perspective of my lived experiences. All got was more gaslighting and bullying. Unfortunately this made so vulnerable to others who had any level of a narcissistic personality style. In some cases unintentionally from people who thought toxic positivity was a cure to fix decades of what essentially was brainwashing. In my case I was brainwashed that I don’t matter. Doubting myself 24/7 about everyone and everything. Constantly accusing me that I was always blowing everything out of proportion, just being too sensitive and essentially made to feel I was making everything up. That how I experienced my life was figments, distortions

It is not easy or straightforward to forgive this. Even though I understand intellectually forgiveness is supposed to bring me peace and not to give my family a free pass for how badly they hurt me. Especially none of them are even willing to allow for any kind of healthy communication. I only get more and more gaslighting and scapegoating. #hurt #angry #sad #Dissapointed #shamed #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #scapegoated

This is an ongoing challenge for me.

It’s easy for others to say to just avoid those who use manipulation against you.

Being raised by narcissists makes me so hyper vigilant to any kind of manipulation. I’m taking an effective communication course. I still feel like I need help to be able to communicate properly.

It took me a few weeks into the 10 wk course to recognize I do not necessarily need too much help to communicate in general. In that I’m a decent communicator in day to day life in most situations.

My issues seem to stem from being able to communicate effectively when I’m triggered. A few weeks ago the topic in the course was learning techniques to be assertive when there are manipulative communication patterns present. The 4 patterns that we given examples for was gaslighting, undermining credibility, dismissing and deflecting and moral attacking/victim playing.

This material triggered me I recognize all of these intimately as they have been used on me from the day I was born. These are just some of the weapons narcissist use. They use words as weapons and the most insidious thing is others who witness a narcissist having a conversation with their real victim (not to confused with a person who plays at being a victim), won’t recognize the emotion abuse happening right in front of them.

So for example I’m not only being gaslighted from the narcissist I’m also gaslighted by the witness. I’m told it’s my imagination that I was just dismissed, and completely disrespected. My perspective is immediately minimized and dismissed just because in the witnesses mind who only hears the words on the surface and can’t see, hear much less understand the history of how simple words can possibly be hurtful enough to paralyze me into silence.

I think of that analogy that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound? It’s actually quite silly but it actually explains the reality for anyone who has suffered from more intangible traumas that do not involve a specific event.

For me for decades because other did not see, hear or understand the continuous chronic emotional abuse I experienced was automatically deemed that it didn’t happen and/or if it did it wasn’t that bad.

This is at the core of why I continually go into the deep dive to find substantial evidence to prove what I experience. I’ve overexplained and overjustied myself over and over to prove my lived experiences. How this created so much self doubt to the point of paralysis. Why I had little to no self esteem, self worth and self confidence. That is the reality of long term emotional abuse.

It doesn’t matter that much that I’m learning to have better boundaries with my toxic and emotionally abusive family of origin. That I have better boundaries of who I allow close enough to me to share my vulnerabilities with.

My hyper vigilance makes me subconsciously very susceptible to anyone who even tries to harmlessly manipulate me in anyway. It’s probably why I get so easily pissed off just trying to buy something. As soon as a sales person starts to manipulate/lie during the process of trying to convince me to buy something. So there are so many situations that are harmless to others are triggering situations for me.

This is why I’m so continually frustrated that my life, my lived experiences, my thoughts, feelings and emotions are continually disrespected over and over is such a big deal for me. I can’t just take each instance as just an individual occurrence. It’s why I can’t just “get over” it and act like it’s not a big deal every single time it happens.

The retraumatzing I experience each time I blamed for having an emotional reaction to the simplest interaction I have with a stranger much less someone close to me. I’m continually accused I’m being “too sensitive”, overreacting, self absorbed and selfish because to show my authentic thoughts and feelings is an inconvenience to everyone else. It’s why it’s so difficult to recognize that others disrespect to my reaction is their problem not mine. Decades of psychological gaslighting which is essentially brainwashing makes me continue to difficulty shedding the fundamental belief that something is wrong with me.

It will take patience and continual positive and authentic empathy and compassion towards what was real for me and not the toxic positivity that I just turn around and change my fundamental core beliefs. This is what I need to be respected. That my reality exists even if others can’t fully believe or understand my perspective. I AM….just respect that no more and no less.
#chronicshame #chronicselfjudgement #narcissisticemotionalabuse #chronicselfdoubt #SelfDoubt #triangulation #scapegoated #lostchild