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This is me

A bit more than a year ago I stepped out of an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. I had given up so much of myself for the relationship that, once it ended, I wasn't sure anymore who I was or what my purpose is. I've suffered through terribly dark days, wishing for death to come, only being held back by the thought of my dear ginger cat, Eddie. Any advice from people who have been through similar situations? #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #gaslight

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Letting Go

I did something back in January I never thought I'd be able to do just a few years ago - I deleted all of the old emails and messages I had kept from family members as evidence of their toxic abuse cycles; reminders just so I would never be tempted back into their drama. Since this year marks ten years of drawing the line, I decided to simply let go and just delete it all. Every single one. After I did, it was like a weight had been lifted. For ten years I had been carrying all of their words with me, and all of the memories and pain that came with each heartless message. I didn't realize how heavy it was all weighing on me until I selected each one for trash. Even out of sight, they were still in the back of my mind, only I didn't realize how much so until I hit delete.

Now it's March, and I'm still in awe of how far I've come in my healing. It's been slow going, yes, but that's to be expected after having such a poor start in life. I'm still growing, still learning, even at the age of 40. And I think, as long as I keep going, and keep trying to push past my fears and self-doubt, everything will be okay. Despite all the twisted indoctrination I was force fed by family, I've learned to accept that I actually do have the right to choose for myself. I will no longer make myself small simply to make others happy. I should no longer feel the need to grieve lost relations anymore because if they were interested in having a healthy family relationship, they would've acted like they claimed to be. And when I find more old messages that trigger my emotions - I'll just do like I did before, because I don't need to hold on to any of it anymore - just breathe and hit delete.

I don't usually give myself enough credit over personal growth stuff, but I'm really proud of how far I've come these past ten years.😊

#ptsd #CPTSD #personalgrowth #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

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How do I forgive the intangible but very insidious emotional grief, pain and suffering I experienced since childhood? #Depression #Anxiety #HSP

I’m having difficulty with forgiveness right now. I listened to a YouTube video with the title “Grief - Pathway to Forgiveness”

I have so much to say I could not just reply the the post on forgiveness last week.

I had listened to that video hoping I would literally get some easy steps in how to forgive. Insteas it listed emotions associated with undisguised grief. Until I saw the list I didn’t even realize I was holding onto these emotions and they were blocking my ability to forgive.

For me until I let myself grieve for what created those feelings it would be very difficult to forgive those who caused them. “I need to grieve for what I deserved and didn’t get”. “For what I got and didn’t deserve”. This is not straight forward at all. Especially as I know grief is not linear.

Being raised by narcissists I was so disconnected to the point I consistently dissociated away from all feelings. So until I saw that list I couldn’t have articulated any of them for to anyone. I could try to explain and justify why I developed that strategy but I’m so tired. Tired of trying to prove that being gaslighted and scapegoated back to my earliest memory created so much difficulty, and suffering. This impacted my whole childhood up to this day. I literally accepted this treatment as “normal” until very recently. After years of therapy, emotional pain and suffering. This impacted every single friendship, romantic relationships and my work. It wasn’t even just my parents who gaslighted and scapegoated me. My 3 older siblings did too.

How do forgive 5 people who chose staying in their own denial so they could pretend they are all at peace at my expense. For years I was made to feel from anyone I ever had the courage to share my feelings, thoughts and perspective of my lived experiences. All got was more gaslighting and bullying. Unfortunately this made so vulnerable to others who had any level of a narcissistic personality style. In some cases unintentionally from people who thought toxic positivity was a cure to fix decades of what essentially was brainwashing. In my case I was brainwashed that I don’t matter. Doubting myself 24/7 about everyone and everything. Constantly accusing me that I was always blowing everything out of proportion, just being too sensitive and essentially made to feel I was making everything up. That how I experienced my life was figments, distortions

It is not easy or straightforward to forgive this. Even though I understand intellectually forgiveness is supposed to bring me peace and not to give my family a free pass for how badly they hurt me. Especially none of them are even willing to allow for any kind of healthy communication. I only get more and more gaslighting and scapegoating. #hurt #angry #sad #Dissapointed #shamed #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #scapegoated

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Depression and Grief #Depression #Grief #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor

14 months gone from the Narc. 4 months no contact, but the emotional scars won’t seem to heal. His actions continue to hurt me emotionally mentally financially and I feel I am in a downward spiral. The littlest thing tears my heart apart. I don’t know why I am still grieving. Will he ever stop hurting me. I left it all. My home, my friends, my family, my job, the money, just to escape the abuse. I live in despicable environment while he flourishes in our clinic and our home and takes his 20 year old staff members to the beach for a week. I can’t seem to pick myself up anymore. I can’t see the light. I only see he ruined my life.


Do Narcissists Tell on Themselves If You Listen?


Narcissists tell on themselves all the time.

If you listen closely.

All the things they tell you during lovebombing, all the things they promise you they won't ever do to you, and all the promises they make about the future.

Are the EXACT opposite of what's going to happen.

All the things they judge people for, and all the things they tell you that people have done to them, all the behavior they tell you their exes are guilty of.

Are the EXACT things, that they themselves do.

All the little “warnings” they give you, that refer to dealing with them, such as “My ex did this n that, I dumped them, without an ounce of remorse”, “It takes a lot for me to start loving anyone”, or “I can be ruthless and mean, if you cross me”.

No matter what sentence follows those statements, like “But I would never do that to you”, or “But with you it feels different”, understand that those are true assertions about themselves. They count for any relationship, with anyone.

Yes, narcissists tell you everything about themselves,

They just do it in reverse.


#narcissists #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #Abuse #EmotionalAbuse #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #DomesticAbuse #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #DomesticViolence #ChildhoodAbuse

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My dad has gaslit me today and claimed my I heritance wasn't mine after all... I feel empty but also completely anxious and overwhelmed.

The story isn't important. But the way I feel is significant. Everytime he lies to me and tells me what I recalled him saying is actually wrong and never happened I feel like an idiot. I feel like I'm over reacting. And I cry and act like how I cried as a child. I hyper ventilate and I spiral.

Does anyone have any tips or ways of dealing with parents who gaslight you? I think the fact it is over money is even worse as I'm not very money orientated. I just wanted to truth. But instead got lied to and told my version of events was completely wrong. It spins me out.

#Family #gaslight #Parents #Anxiety #overwhelmed


Things haven’t got better

I wish I could say things had got better, but they’ve gotten worse. We aren’t on talking terms (despite my numerous attempts), and I’ve had my eyes opened to the fact that he’s never once asked how I was and that his parents are more invested in me than he is.

I’ve got to live with this dude. I wish I was joking. At the time it didn’t seem like a bad idea, but with the way he’s treated me after the breakup I don’t see it as something that’s mentally going to do me any favours. I’m going to see him next week and may use it as an opportunity to confront him. My friend says he’ll just gaslight me though, so I’m not sure.

I don’t know if it’s the stress, but I’ve gone through a flare up with postnasal drip and dysgeusia (the latter being as a result of long COVID). It’s horrible. Everything tastes of petrol, and I’m constantly having stuff run down my throat. Also had a bad attack of pain the other day where voltarol didn’t want to work.

In other news, I’ve started packing for my move and have registered at a new GP surgery. There was a lot to fill in in the form and I forgot some stuff so I had to call and then email them with the stuff I missed. I’m concerned about my prescriptions, I hope they’ll just transfer over.

#longcovid #COVID19 #mentalabuse #gaslight #moving #Stress #breakup #dread #Anxiety #Pain #ChronicPain #relocating