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× " Sooo Feeling Alittle Abandoned And Used " × #Dissapointed #exhausted

° " So I Had What I Really Thought Was A Friend... This Girl Quit Working At Our Store But 1st This Girl Would Constantly Complain About My Boss And Co-worker's How They Would Talk Bad About People... Me I'm Just Used To It.. You Cannot Change People ... So She Stopped Coming To Work.. But Here's The Kicker She Stopped All Contact With Me.. I Guess She Didn't Like Me At All. And Was Only Pretending To Be My Friend... Some People Are Mean And Cruel.. Now I'm Going Back On Not Opening Myself Up And Anyone Ever Again... I Feel Pretty Dumb And Stupid... " × ☆ S.K. ☆ #Depression

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How do I forgive the intangible but very insidious emotional grief, pain and suffering I experienced since childhood? #Depression #Anxiety #HSP

I’m having difficulty with forgiveness right now. I listened to a YouTube video with the title “Grief - Pathway to Forgiveness”

I have so much to say I could not just reply the the post on forgiveness last week.

I had listened to that video hoping I would literally get some easy steps in how to forgive. Insteas it listed emotions associated with undisguised grief. Until I saw the list I didn’t even realize I was holding onto these emotions and they were blocking my ability to forgive.

For me until I let myself grieve for what created those feelings it would be very difficult to forgive those who caused them. “I need to grieve for what I deserved and didn’t get”. “For what I got and didn’t deserve”. This is not straight forward at all. Especially as I know grief is not linear.

Being raised by narcissists I was so disconnected to the point I consistently dissociated away from all feelings. So until I saw that list I couldn’t have articulated any of them for to anyone. I could try to explain and justify why I developed that strategy but I’m so tired. Tired of trying to prove that being gaslighted and scapegoated back to my earliest memory created so much difficulty, and suffering. This impacted my whole childhood up to this day. I literally accepted this treatment as “normal” until very recently. After years of therapy, emotional pain and suffering. This impacted every single friendship, romantic relationships and my work. It wasn’t even just my parents who gaslighted and scapegoated me. My 3 older siblings did too.

How do forgive 5 people who chose staying in their own denial so they could pretend they are all at peace at my expense. For years I was made to feel from anyone I ever had the courage to share my feelings, thoughts and perspective of my lived experiences. All got was more gaslighting and bullying. Unfortunately this made so vulnerable to others who had any level of a narcissistic personality style. In some cases unintentionally from people who thought toxic positivity was a cure to fix decades of what essentially was brainwashing. In my case I was brainwashed that I don’t matter. Doubting myself 24/7 about everyone and everything. Constantly accusing me that I was always blowing everything out of proportion, just being too sensitive and essentially made to feel I was making everything up. That how I experienced my life was figments, distortions

It is not easy or straightforward to forgive this. Even though I understand intellectually forgiveness is supposed to bring me peace and not to give my family a free pass for how badly they hurt me. Especially none of them are even willing to allow for any kind of healthy communication. I only get more and more gaslighting and scapegoating. #hurt #angry #sad #Dissapointed #shamed #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #scapegoated

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Sick leave??

This is just a PSA to point out how disappointed I am in jobs in America. I work at a hospital and they are having us come to work fully Covid Positive. It’s almost like self care doesn’t even exist anymore! #Jobs #Dissapointed #america



I am in medication since may 2020 because I sleep only 4 hours at night. And I get up my bed about 4 times through the night. My doctor says I have mania since that. Now it has been rarely to me not feeling excited any more and. Not to be able to sleep. I don't even understand if I have depression right now. I feel like I don't care for nothing right now. From may to last month I needed intercourse every day. Now I don't care about that.


I'm feeling suicidal again... #alone #Dissapointed #Broken

I gave up so much of my old life to be in my latest relationship. I put so much of myself in it to make it work. Perhaps too much. There is no communication. We aren't a team. I'm so emotionally spent from spelling out, on repeat, what I need from him to be ok. But nothing changes. I don't know what else to do and I feel so......empty now. I don't want to keep going like this. I don't want to keep going at all.


#Dissapointed #failing myself

I am sitting here looking at my computer and thinking of my laptop and how I now never turn them on.
I was always using them, always researching subjects. Always doing something to keep going. Now I just sit and look at them gathering dust. I am so angry with myself for allowing it to get this bad. #PTSD #Cronic pain