smallwins

#Depression #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #hygiene

Finally took a Shower and took my meds correctly.

#smallwins

#smallwins
I have actually eaten lunch both days of work this week and they had meat in them! I had Chicken nuggets and fries! They had extra lunch at work, so I ate lunch instead of skipping meals as usual!

I texted an old friend “happy birthday! I hope you & your family do something special. love you!” She responded “You too thanks”…

I felt hurt and started thinking of reasons to be angry, how she was insensitive…I felt brushed off and rejected.

I deleted the thread, so I wouldn’t have to feel irritated/insecure every time I opened my texts on my phone, and after a day of a nagging feeling of yuck about it, I texted another friend and told her what happened. I said how I felt, but did not bash friend #1 (she didn’t do anything wrong), and in doing so, I realized I had had expectations that weren’t met. When someone doesn’t match or seem to match my enthusiasm for them that they have for me, I feel rejected.

The old me would’ve either held a grudge and maybe said something snarky OR I would’ve tried to get the enthusiastic response I was initially looking for (without even realizing it). Either way, I would have tried to manipulate her by acting out of fear. And I definitely would not have deleted the thread bc “how embarrassing!” to admit yes, my feelings got hurt over something small and inconsequential.

I’m really proud of myself for making these connections—-I’m no longer a walking ball of symptoms for BPD; I’m more and more self aware, I’m not burning bridges AND I’m experiencing the hurt feelings…which, to my disbelief, aren’t killing me! And they’re getting easier to accept! #smallwins #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Recently I've felt like I'm falling down the rabbit hole and constantly giving into the depression feelings and voice that says "just snooze the alarm, just keep snoozing, untill you've missed the bus and the train so that you start to panic about being mega late for work then if you go you will have to stay till 8 or 9, so just don't go, you are safe in your house where all is familiar." Not Today. I snoozed once then sat upright. And for me, THAT was the exact moment it shifted. There was no going back from that, I was up (almost). I am bloody proud of me today. I've done it. I am under no illusions that it will be the same come Monday. Everyday is different, as you well know. But today I am having this. I will take this as a win today and I will sit with it for as long as it makes me feel proud and happy and smile. Slowly the small wins might be able to build into something more. Eventually. #bedbattle #Anxiety #smallwins #iamproudofme #satup #smilingtoday

I actually had a really really good weekend!

Friday morning, I woke up feeling kind of achey and sore, but it didn't feel too different from the kind of sore you might feel the after exercising. So I could handle that, no problem. I kinda liked it even? Reminded me of my gym rat days.
By the afternoon, though, the ache in my hands had become rather overwhelming and was thankful they had at least held on until I was almost done work. Deciding to work part time while we investigate my newer symptoms was one of the best choices I think I've ever made.

I went to stay with my partner, at their place, for the weekend. Their new job has them working funny hours so unfortunately we didn't get as much time together as most weekends, but I did have full control of the desktop all day and chose to play House Flipper to my hearts content! That evening, I was in good mood, I'd taken my new CBD oil and was finding it helpful, and I wanted something different to do. So I cleaned the whole bedroom. Well. EXCEPT for my partner's desk. Those are NOT my 25 pop cans, I am gonna leave those for the loon who drank all that.

As for the cleaning, I'm glad I stopped when I did. I did have a really good energy burst and I got a lot done. So much that I almost let myself believe I could complete even more! Thankfully something in the back of my stubborn brain figured we shouldn't push it too much. And I feel like I rested right when I needed to.

My anxieties have been calming down as well. I may have been feeling off due to hormones imbalance or even just the weather. It's hard to always know. Since Thursday, though, I've come around to a different view-point. I'm going to keep working on viewing my worries from a place of curiosity and optimism. Curious about why I'm feeling that way, and optimistic that my fears likely aren't going to be proven, and even if they are, by taking the time to assess not just the fear but also the potential solutions, and what I am able to control, I can find my way through even the worst case scenario.

I keep coming back to needing to remain patient. And needing to better understand what "remaining patient" really looks like. I feel like I'm starting to get it.
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#Anxiety #Selfcare #smallwins #patience #ChronicPain