suicidal

No worries. They're just thoughts. I have no plans or intent. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist. That being said, yeah I don't want to live like this anymore. I experience chronic pain, depression, anxiety. I can't do the things I need and want to do. I feel I'm only surviving, not living. I just don't see the point of any of this thing called life. I drive home each day and pray I get taken out by a Walmart semi, hopefully getting my family a nice settlement check. (Yes I know that's a horrible thing to wish on the truck driver.) I have an adult son living in my basement and fear he'll never leave. He causes nothing but problems in my marriage. It's so bad I started looking for apartments or rooms to rent so I can get out of there. Sadly I can't afford to live alone despite having an advanced degree and decent paying job. Add on all the shit going on in the country now and it's too much. I want off this hellish rollercoaster. #Depression #suicidal

Feel a little stressed as the guy im dating is sort of "weird" he doesnt know what to feel about us and this hurts.
Some days hes adorable but others hes like a Kite. I luv him every day but guess he doesnt know how to love.
Im a little confused.
#Fibro
#suicidal
#tiredatsoul
#dontwantpainanymore

Crying, I’m not sure I even have the words to explain. Something I have to do, work wise but it’s breaking my heart. Leaving a job that I’ve loved for 15 years, having to say goodbye to so many people who have put their trust and love into
Me. . And starting afresh in a job that I hope I can do, but my heart isn’t there.

My therapist wants me to meet with someone who works victims of abuse. I am having a hard time functioning with CPTSD and depression. I am petrified to talk to anyone else. My communication skills are not the best. My therapist will be in the room with me otherwise I would not do it. Anyone have any help they can offer.
#CPTSD
#major depressive disorder
#Anxiety
#suicidal ideation

Am just needing friends. As a family member , who is very judgmental, very negative, has mood swings regularly, healtm and mental problems too is truly make life quite uneasy. All I truly do is hope and pray for her as i deep down love her. Anything that I do as her caregiver, she sees as it's an argument and threatening in many ways. She is saying that my mental illnesses and me being in the LBGTQIA family is getting the best of me. Quite hard to be myself. Am trying to remain calm, relax, stop crying, stay away from her, and long to be me. Am so confused and quite alone. #suicidal Ideations, #Depression , #Spiritual and Religious Traumas,# Anxiety, # CPTSD, #MentalHealth

It takes a tremendous amount of effort to get out of bed every morning. I’m always sad that I even woke up at all. I’ve had a lot of loss in my life and I’m alone. I do have my precious dog, Callie or I seriously doubt I would be here at all. Anyone else feel this way?

I started a medicine last week and I have noticed my depression is as dark as it has ever been and my suicidal thoughts are very high. I reached out to my doctor and she said it's not the new medicine to continue to take it. I just how it's the medicine that is doing this to me. Having you ever had a similar experience? #major depressive disorder #Complex ptsd#Anxiety #suicidal

#ADHD Diagnosed as a Child at age 6. I was exhibiting angry outburst, and intense frustrations, and my thought processes were very erratic. I was placed on Ritalin. It does help slow the swirling Kaleidoscope of random and broken thoughts and ideas. I was diagnosed with it again, recently as an Adult... #CPTSD My Sister and I are survivors of Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse all of which occurred before age 5... continued until I was 11 and figured out that I did not have to allow myself to be in one on one situations with the "Uncle" that had been raping me... At 13, I was allowed to move in with my Aunt Cathy, who was my best friend, growing up... and got me away from my Step-Father who beat my Sister and I regularly, as well as the verbal abuse and telling us that we were useless and good for nothing... We had these thoughts beaten into us, and sadly grew up to be adults with low to no self-esteem... #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I still do not completely understand this one, and it is a recent diagnosis, but when reading about the behavior patterns, it begins to make sense... I know I am not deserving of the Love and Compassion I am seeking and self-sabotage my relationships, even though I fear being alone... Yes, I know... I am a walking contradiction... #suicidal I am actually a two time Survivor. I did not make half assed attempts. My first time was an Overdose and someone found me choking on my own vomit, and took me to the Hospital I think I was 17. Second time, in my late 20s, I stepped in front of a car, and was thrown over the hood like a ragdoll and ended up with a bad limp for years, that still is visible. While I no longer have any plans to hurt myself. I still have the feelings of being a horrible burden on others and believe they would be better off without me in the picture... So the Thought Process is still inside me... I just CHOOSE to NOT act on the Feelings...

OK I shared all of that, to say this... Decades of Talk Therapy and Medications have done NOTHING to improve my Quality of Life. I still have a deeply negative self-image, low to no self-worth. When provoked, or just feeling intimidated, I go into #oppositionaldefiance and very #narcissistic behavior patterns...

I have learning disorders like #Dyslexia , but I have learned to use Audiobooks and Podcasts to try and teach myself modes of Psychology, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, but I have not had a Psychologist or Therapist to GUIDE me through ways to Utilize these things effectively...

My Family makes comments like "You are an ADULT and should KNOW better!" "You are a Grown Man, you need to start ACTING like one!" "You cannot keep blaming your Parents, for your Bad Behavior. You are an ADULT and Responsible for yourself!" FOR THE RECORD, these are very hurtful and demeaning comments that only make me feel WORSE about myself after experiencing a Meltdown...

CAN I FIND PEACE & RECOVERY from these Behavior Patterns??? Talking and Medication doesn't seem to be helping... I am now looking into Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Ketamine Inhalant Treatments have also been suggested... I am reticent to try these. But, at this point, I am starting to want to give in... Only because NOTHING else has seemed to help... and I am tired of being the way I am... My knee-jerk reactions to Negative Stimulation, (or what I perceive as attacking), I shut down and become angry and aggressive and retaliatory... I am doing everything I know how to do and I am STILL battling the same stuff I have been dealing with since I was 4... Now I am 59 and still feel Hopeless and Helpless...