Spiritual

I struggle with shaking the feeling that I am evil. My whole life I was told that I was bad, evil, crazy, demonic, possessed, seductive, a liar, a dirty girl/woman, gold digger and I was going to hell.

(I will not argue with anyone in self defense of these accusations, if you believe I deserved/deserve this abuse because of something I did, said, or wore; you are part of that dysfunctional system.)

These are things my parents told me from childhood. My spouses, society, the church, and my siblings have either explicitly or implicitly said these things to me and have influenced my children. It was so bad that I even agreed and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was possessed. Several times I tried to get accepted by my parents, by confessing my sins and admitting to demonic influence they tried to exorcise demons out of me, but I was still an evil old devil who couldn’t be saved on my own, no matter how much I believed or how devoted I was, or how much work or preaching I did myself I was still the evil one. I was outcast and rejected by my family, community and the church. I have severe psychological damage due to this abuse. I have no family, not even my children. I have no community because I’m an outcast and even though I moved and lived in a new town, I can not make friends, because it’s the same religious dogma. I will never be good enough for the church or their deity. I used to care about being accepted by them. Now, I am grateful I am no longer involved in that cult. I am free, yet I am sensitive to being judged as evil, or bad, or a sinner. I don’t even believe in evil as a cosmic moral concept. There is no battle of good and evil. Just some seriously disturbed human beings persecuting other humans in the name of their beliefs and religious values, believing they are doing good. I am grieved though, for the life that was stolen from, the loss of my children and never having a loving family and lack of support and the lack of self esteem and fear of rejection I was left with. So, after 40 years of suffering I became an atheist, then a pagan. I don’t need to be saved and I don’t want to hear about the J man and I don’t need any thoughts and prayers. Empathy, accountability, responsibility and respect of my humanity and boundaries is a good start. That’s what everyone wants, needs, and deserves. Empathy is my religion and love is my passion.

Instead of using 'The Mighty' to weep and moan. Maybe... just maybe...I can use this site to better myself. It wont happen today and I don't expect it to happen tomorrow but there was once "Hope".

My initial thoughts after the "incident" were feelings of relief and hope for the future. The relief was short lived but I managed to remind myself that there was "hope" for me.

The relief was important because it signified rock bottom. It was only up from there... The difficulty for me was that I had come from the top; I just didn't know it at the time. I was forced to rebuild my life and it was incredibly difficult.

I have been picking up the pieces for over ten years trying to clear my name. My old friends were not willing to forgive me and my new friends ditched me & left me broken. I knew I had to change my life and stop the anti-social & self destructive behaviour.

I started to rebuild my life one thing at a time. I was still miserable, bitter and angry. My parents were supportive but didn't have the tools to help me.

I didn't even recognise myself and I had to learn to love myself. I wish I had the insight to realise that the solitude was a blessing and an opportunity for self-reflection. Instead of doing the work and bettering myself, I locked myself up and threw away the key.

I thought time would heal my trauma. Time has provided separation and offered me the opportunity for reflection. Unfortunately, I did not take the opportunity and continued with the same negative outlook towards life. I continued to look for external gratification to fill the void although I finally made the conscious decision not to go back for more punishment.

It's now time to start working and bettering myself. Learning new techniques and attending therapy to work through my anxiety, depression & self-loathing.

I am ready to start healing and setting myself up for the future. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and want more out of life. I want genuine friendships & relationships without the need for alcohol and substance abuse.

It's going to be a long and difficult road but I am now willing to start the process of piecing myself back together little by little.

#Hope #future #Depression #Sadness #sad #up #down #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friends #Connections #Family #reputation #Respect #Love #calm #peace #Spiritual #Anxiety #grateful #live

I often feel like someone is yanking o my left arm they get me when I’m relaxed and not realizing then it’s like he shows up in spirit or invisible because I literally feel like someone grabs my hand with both their hands then lifts it a little and pulls it fast and hard straight down pulling my shoulder out of its socket my shoulder hurts bad sometimes , I did have my shoulder knocked out of place when I was jumped by people I thought were friends an he is the one I keep hearing say that an the fact that it feels so real anyone know how I could block them from hurting me this way? #Advice #Spiritual

Back in the day,

We used to play outside till dawn

Now, we're just another government pawn

Back in the day,

We used to live, laugh & grow

Now, we are forced to work our asses off bro

What is this shit? (mind my language)

Death is a trap to try and get us to submit?

As kids, we couldn't wait to be adults

Now, I reflect and I am like that was truly nuts!

The days when we could cry and be comforted

Childhood turned to adulthood and those days plummeted

Now, we're struggling to make ends meet, Who would have thought, childhood was only a treat

But it's life,

So put away that knife

It is what it is -

God is good, all is his

Better days are ahead

So, go and continue to chase that bread!

#Life #resilience #NeverGiveUp #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #Selfharm #selfharmawareness #strength #courage #bravery #Independence #freedom #freedomwriters #useyourwords #expression #expressyourself #creativity #Deep #deepthinkers #bold #Spirituality #Meditation #Spiritual #calm #Zen #gowiththeflow #liveinthepresent #loa #TheSecret #manifest #manifestation #Positivity #PositiveVibes #GoodVibes #vibes #Energy #YouCanDoIt #Believe #Hope #Care #Empathy #compassion