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#Spiritual abuse #Religious Trauma #ChildAbuse #PTSD #cultsurvivor

I struggle with shaking the feeling that I am evil. My whole life I was told that I was bad, evil, crazy, demonic, possessed, seductive, a liar, a dirty girl/woman, gold digger and I was going to hell.

(I will not argue with anyone in self defense of these accusations, if you believe I deserved/deserve this abuse because of something I did, said, or wore; you are part of that dysfunctional system.)

These are things my parents told me from childhood. My spouses, society, the church, and my siblings have either explicitly or implicitly said these things to me and have influenced my children. It was so bad that I even agreed and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was possessed. Several times I tried to get accepted by my parents, by confessing my sins and admitting to demonic influence they tried to exorcise demons out of me, but I was still an evil old devil who couldn’t be saved on my own, no matter how much I believed or how devoted I was, or how much work or preaching I did myself I was still the evil one. I was outcast and rejected by my family, community and the church. I have severe psychological damage due to this abuse. I have no family, not even my children. I have no community because I’m an outcast and even though I moved and lived in a new town, I can not make friends, because it’s the same religious dogma. I will never be good enough for the church or their deity. I used to care about being accepted by them. Now, I am grateful I am no longer involved in that cult. I am free, yet I am sensitive to being judged as evil, or bad, or a sinner. I don’t even believe in evil as a cosmic moral concept. There is no battle of good and evil. Just some seriously disturbed human beings persecuting other humans in the name of their beliefs and religious values, believing they are doing good. I am grieved though, for the life that was stolen from, the loss of my children and never having a loving family and lack of support and the lack of self esteem and fear of rejection I was left with. So, after 40 years of suffering I became an atheist, then a pagan. I don’t need to be saved and I don’t want to hear about the J man and I don’t need any thoughts and prayers. Empathy, accountability, responsibility and respect of my humanity and boundaries is a good start. That’s what everyone wants, needs, and deserves. Empathy is my religion and love is my passion.

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Spiritual Healing and Transformation

I’m Catholic but I also believe that we are spiritual beings. Recently I have been trying spiritual meditations. They have really opened my eyes and spirit as well as eased some of my mental health symptoms. It has also given me better sleep. There have been instances in my life where I lost sight of the good in people because I was shown the ugly side of humanity. I was sexually and emotionally abused for a long time.
Now however I want to heal and focus on the positive and see the good in people once again. Trusting takes time and it’s a little hard for me but I believe that I can heal. If I listen to my inner voice and angels that guide me and not listen to my inner critic then I will be on the path to healing.
I encourage everyone to try a spiritual meditation. Even if you aren’t sure. It has helped me to stay calm and to look at life objectively. I’m sure that the more I practice the closer I will get to healing. Slowly I am beginning to understand more of what I was put through. Slowly I am reaching a state of inner peace and calm. My hope is that all of you be a light in this dark world.
I am truly blessed to have what I have and I hope to never take it for granted. Though I live with three mental illnesses I know that I am strong enough to make it through each day. My past does not have to dictate my future. I am a radiant and loving woman that can be a light for others. If there is anything I can do to help you please inbox me. My goal is to share my trauma so that others can be inspired and feel less alone. Even on my bad days I hope to inspire. I wish you all the best and pray that you receive peace and light in your lives. For anyone that needs healing like myself I pray that you become healed. If anyone would like any prayers please let me know. You are all beautiful.
Love and light,
~Anastasia
#Spiritual #PTSD #Healing #Catholic #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Hope #ChasingLife

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Hope and the future

Instead of using 'The Mighty' to weep and moan. Maybe... just maybe...I can use this site to better myself. It wont happen today and I don't expect it to happen tomorrow but there was once "Hope".

My initial thoughts after the "incident" were feelings of relief and hope for the future. The relief was short lived but I managed to remind myself that there was "hope" for me.

The relief was important because it signified rock bottom. It was only up from there... The difficulty for me was that I had come from the top; I just didn't know it at the time. I was forced to rebuild my life and it was incredibly difficult.

I have been picking up the pieces for over ten years trying to clear my name. My old friends were not willing to forgive me and my new friends ditched me & left me broken. I knew I had to change my life and stop the anti-social & self destructive behaviour.

I started to rebuild my life one thing at a time. I was still miserable, bitter and angry. My parents were supportive but didn't have the tools to help me.

I didn't even recognise myself and I had to learn to love myself. I wish I had the insight to realise that the solitude was a blessing and an opportunity for self-reflection. Instead of doing the work and bettering myself, I locked myself up and threw away the key.

I thought time would heal my trauma. Time has provided separation and offered me the opportunity for reflection. Unfortunately, I did not take the opportunity and continued with the same negative outlook towards life. I continued to look for external gratification to fill the void although I finally made the conscious decision not to go back for more punishment.

It's now time to start working and bettering myself. Learning new techniques and attending therapy to work through my anxiety, depression & self-loathing.

I am ready to start healing and setting myself up for the future. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and want more out of life. I want genuine friendships & relationships without the need for alcohol and substance abuse.

It's going to be a long and difficult road but I am now willing to start the process of piecing myself back together little by little.

#Hope #future #Depression #Sadness #sad #up #down #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friends #Connections #Family #reputation #Respect #Love #calm #peace #Spiritual #Anxiety #grateful #live

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#Spiritual #hashimoto

Have you ever think about the #Spiritual cause of your #Diagnosis ?

I think it can be really tricky but exciting to puzzle our #Disease out...

Let's think together. We're not #alone .👥

I'v read many articles about #hashimoto (my "friend"😉). As I try to remember the years before the start of my disease, I felt so many times -you know- "lump in my throat" when I've experienced awkward situations and #emotional traumas.🤐

I'm truly believe that our body, mind and soul are in close connection with each other and you can not abuse any of them without affecting the other. ☯️

Unfortunatelly I've ignored the smyptoms of my body and soul too long. But noe I'm trying to look inside and fbd my inner peace again. 🌸

What's your opinion? Share with me, share with us. ❤️

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Grace & Grit -The Spoonie Way

Make sure you give yourself grace
& sacred healing space
in this human experience!

PS: remind your ego-It’s a journey, not a race!

From my experience, it is very well-known, that this of us living with chronic illness, are some of THE strongest, open hearted-generous human beings.

But it’s also from my experience,
that we forget to give ourselves, said GRACE along the way.
Survival has been fueled only by our grit and determination, to not be overcome by the waves of a chronic illness transformation,

Let the white swan encourage you today .. to be grace to self and let that be the ripple that is a tiny tsunami of possibilities clearing the path to days of ease, peace and happiness.

White swan~spiritual wisdom:
Purity•dignity •wealth •happiness •confidence •loyalty •peace •innocence •empathy •love •elegance •soft/feminine

Message:
•Give yourself grace along your journey.
•As a child of the divine, you must remember as you navigate your human journey, the perfect soul inside, that is pure, innocent, and peaceful as the embodiment of love.
•Be loyal and eloquently flowing with grace and empathy as you confidently explore your truth.

#grace #grit #surrender #resetyourgroove #blissedlife #spoonie #transcender #transformationjourney #whiteswan #Spiritual #wisdom

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I keep hearing a voice telling me he’s hurting my shoulder

I often feel like someone is yanking o my left arm they get me when I’m relaxed and not realizing then it’s like he shows up in spirit or invisible because I literally feel like someone grabs my hand with both their hands then lifts it a little and pulls it fast and hard straight down pulling my shoulder out of its socket my shoulder hurts bad sometimes , I did have my shoulder knocked out of place when I was jumped by people I thought were friends an he is the one I keep hearing say that an the fact that it feels so real anyone know how I could block them from hurting me this way? #Advice #Spiritual

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Growing Pains

Back in the day,

We used to play outside till dawn

Now, we're just another government pawn

Back in the day,

We used to live, laugh & grow

Now, we are forced to work our asses off bro

What is this shit? (mind my language)

Death is a trap to try and get us to submit?

As kids, we couldn't wait to be adults

Now, I reflect and I am like that was truly nuts!

The days when we could cry and be comforted

Childhood turned to adulthood and those days plummeted

Now, we're struggling to make ends meet, Who would have thought, childhood was only a treat

But it's life,

So put away that knife

It is what it is -

God is good, all is his

Better days are ahead

So, go and continue to chase that bread!

#Life #resilience #NeverGiveUp #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #Selfharm #selfharmawareness #strength #courage #bravery #Independence #freedom #freedomwriters #useyourwords #expression #expressyourself #creativity #Deep #deepthinkers #bold #Spirituality #Meditation #Spiritual #calm #Zen #gowiththeflow #liveinthepresent #loa #TheSecret #manifest #manifestation #Positivity #PositiveVibes #GoodVibes #vibes #Energy #YouCanDoIt #Believe #Hope #Care #Empathy #compassion

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Season of Ostara - The Coming of Spring

Ostara occurs on March 21, the Spring Equinox, and is a celebration of life emerging. During the season of Ostara, we can look forward to and prepare for green life springing forth from the frozen, barren earth. One year I saw a picture of plants sprouting beneath a clear layer of ice, as though it were a natural greenhouse, and I thought it to be a perfect representation of Ostara.

Right now in particular, that visualization is resonating for me. The last two months have been bitterly cold with record snow falls, so to the senses it is still the dead of winter. But the seeds of last year are biding their time, and as soon as warmth comes, they will burst forward with life.

Popular symbols of Ostara include kittens, rabbits, flowers, and eggs, but where I live there is often little evidence of these by the time March 21 arrives. This year, I am looking forward to the return of many species of birds to my yard and neighborhood. The fat and fluffy chickadees have stuck around all winter, and now they are becoming more restless, knowing that spring is approaching. Soon they will be joined by many more birds, competing for the springtime feast of buds and berries.

Ostara helps me acknowledge, however small or slow, the returning of life to the earth around me, and the returning of energies reflected inside me. Like the chickadees, I am anxious for the spring, my internal clock indicating that is it time to move and build and grow. In the ways that I can, I am preparing. We have started our first seedlings indoors. I am keeping up with the shoveling, and organizing the snow removal process so we can use our yard as soon as we can.

But this spring I am also doing a lot more waiting than I'd like. I'm practicing accepting and tolerating the moment, and disrupting eternity thinking by reminding myself of the cycle. The seasons change, the Sun's strength returns, and spring will come.

I invite you to share how you recognize or celebrate Ostara or any other Springtime events! Also feel free to share how you're doing during this season, how you're feeling and what you've been up to. <3 #Disability #Pagan #wiccan #Spiritual #sabbats #Spring

Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash

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Spirit Guides anyone?

Just curious about people's experiences with, or identification with spirit guides. Traditional and nontraditional. (E.g. animals, tv characters, or whatever). I have both a few animal ones, and a couple tv character ones that are the reason I survived to adulthood, despite extensive developmental and adult trauma experiences. (Including ableism) #Pagan , #Spiritual ,

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Observing Imbolc/Starting a New Year

Imbolc occurs on February 1 and is a celebration of light and purity. Due to religious #Trauma , I had a very icky association with the word "purity", so in the past I chose not to use that word. After celebrating Imbolc for a few years and reading on different understandings of purity, I no longer feel triggered by the word and can include it in my practice. But I am reminded each year by the awareness of how "purity" has affected me that it's important to honor my needs through the language I use in my practice.

Beginning after the winter solstice, the Imbolc season is all about coaxing out the light of the Sun and letting go, cleansing, or cleaning out things that no longer serve us. Lighting candles and putting out mirrors spreads the light around our homes, and reminds us that each day the sun will shine higher and longer. Being #Disabled , I use electric candles and strings of twinkle lights when I'm unable to afford or safely manage keeping candles lit. I also feature my salt lamp more prominently during the Imbolc season, as a symbol of both light and cleansing.

Cleansing can be a practical measure, similar to spring cleaning, as well as part of #Spiritual practice. It can also be a way to end toxic #Relationships , manage our #boundaries , and intentionally make more space in our lives. This is most often the time of year when I work on or delegate deep cleaning tasks, like dusting and sweeping hard-to-reach spots or sorting porch and basement clutter. I also thoroughly cleanse my entire home with smoke, being sure to pay special attention to doorways, windows, mirrors, screens, and anywhere else I feel a transfer of energy. If I am unable to do this, I will ask someone capable of respecting the practice to assist me.

I try to craft a new Brighid's Cross each year, and hang it over the front door as a symbol of healing and protection. Brighid is a goddess associated with healing, medicine, and protection, as well as other associations. Her feast day is February 1st, so if it fits into your practice, it can be appropriate to honor Brighid during the observance of Imbolc. When able to, I will burn last year's Brighid's Cross in an Imbolc fire, along with any other spiritual or energy holding objects that require burning this season. If you're interested in making a Brighid's Cross, you can find crafting tutorials online.

Imbolc is one of my favorite #Pagan seasons because there is no western equivalent, nothing I can compare it to. After Yule, I feel a deep seated need for honoring the flickering of the light, the coaxing of embers into flame. After the darkest nights of winter have passed, often comes the most bitter cold, and I need the light to hold onto. For me, Imbolc is a season all about #Hope , that the Sun will return, that our health will endure, and hope for year full of life, love, and joy. Not all years turn out like that, but during Imbolc there's hope.

#Disability #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth

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