Hope and the future
Instead of using 'The Mighty' to weep and moan. Maybe... just maybe...I can use this site to better myself. It wont happen today and I don't expect it to happen tomorrow but there was once "Hope".
My initial thoughts after the "incident" were feelings of relief and hope for the future. The relief was short lived but I managed to remind myself that there was "hope" for me.
The relief was important because it signified rock bottom. It was only up from there... The difficulty for me was that I had come from the top; I just didn't know it at the time. I was forced to rebuild my life and it was incredibly difficult.
I have been picking up the pieces for over ten years trying to clear my name. My old friends were not willing to forgive me and my new friends ditched me & left me broken. I knew I had to change my life and stop the anti-social & self destructive behaviour.
I started to rebuild my life one thing at a time. I was still miserable, bitter and angry. My parents were supportive but didn't have the tools to help me.
I didn't even recognise myself and I had to learn to love myself. I wish I had the insight to realise that the solitude was a blessing and an opportunity for self-reflection. Instead of doing the work and bettering myself, I locked myself up and threw away the key.
I thought time would heal my trauma. Time has provided separation and offered me the opportunity for reflection. Unfortunately, I did not take the opportunity and continued with the same negative outlook towards life. I continued to look for external gratification to fill the void although I finally made the conscious decision not to go back for more punishment.
It's now time to start working and bettering myself. Learning new techniques and attending therapy to work through my anxiety, depression & self-loathing.
I am ready to start healing and setting myself up for the future. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and want more out of life. I want genuine friendships & relationships without the need for alcohol and substance abuse.
It's going to be a long and difficult road but I am now willing to start the process of piecing myself back together little by little.