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An exerpt I wrote about myself. Shared as a last attempt to get some help. Not in a great place right now.
Me
For as long as I can remember I’ve been struggling with my happiness. Now I just don’t have the motivation for anything, for life. I’m not even sure who I am anymore. My relationship with the mother of my children broke up in 2019, lets just say it was an acrimonious split that led to a nasty court battle so I could even see my children
My financial problems started shortly after. I took the kids away to Butlins and because I’m stupid, I spent all my money on it, my rent money, my council tax money. This was November, right before Christmas and I HAVE to be the one that spends the most. I can’t stand it if people think bad of me, so I ignored my bills to spend on the kids. For me after the damage my ex had done to my reputation with the kids it was all I had left. I had to outspend her. It set in a sequence of events I have never recovered from. The council got an attachment of earnings order on my wages and because of this I didn’t pay my rent. It is still unpaid to this day.
I thought I could the reason I felt sad every day was because I was lonely. My brother was happy in a new relationship, and I wanted what they had. I got my wish. After about six months of looking, I matched with someone on POF. It went really well and we started a serious relationship. Neither of us drove, so I saw her a could of times a week and travelled by taxi. The times suited me. I was happy with that and once it started to be more it began to annoy me. She loved me with every fibre in her and I said the same to her, but it wasn’t true. I’d began to like my own space and my time alone. It was an inconvenience to see her. I realised I cared for her a lot, but I didn’t love her like she loved me.
I was too scared to end things though. I’m scared to death of confrontation, and my constant need to please wouldn’t let me hurt her. So, I did what I always do, I pushed her away. I lied, I hid things and I told her what she wanted to hear to keep the peace. It all blew up eventually; she found out about my financial problems. My ex didn’t help. She messaged her directly and made-up horrendous lies about me to get her to split up with me.
The sex was an issue too. I was unable to perform regularly. I could bring her to orgasm in other ways regularly, but she wanted sex. I started to hate my penis and wish I didn’t have one. This was an issue with my ex too. Eventually she’d had enough and left leaving me alone again with my suicidal thoughts, which are now nearly every day.
Since I have been an adult I’ve effeminate man. I’m sensitive to small things. My family have regularly suggested that I should be gay because of how I am sometimes. My ex told me she was genuinely scared I was going to tell her I was gay. I don’t fancy men though. I like women, but I think it’s more than that. I have constantly felt ever since I was older that I could be in the wrong skin. In the wrong body.
My mum told me that throughout her whole pregnancy she believed me to be a girl, she was shocked when I came out a boy. Is that what I was supposed to be? I think about it every day now and I’m just so confused. I was brought up in a strict catholic household. These feelings feel wrong and dirty. I am much mire liberal than her, I disagree with just about all of her beliefs, yet I can’t accept what these feelings are.
When I play a game, I always choose a female protagonist, it actually annoys me if there isn’t one. I’ve ditched a game before because of this. Is this the reason for my sadness? Why didn’t getting in a relationship with someone who loved me help?
Where am I now? I have never told anyone these thoughts that I may be in the wrong body and I don’t intend to. I am sad everyday and I constantly feel I would rather not be here. I try to talk myself out of killing myself with reasons like it would break my nans heart or the kids are just too young to process it. I have considered crashing my car just to get out of having to go to work because it gives me anxiety.
My relationship with my children is improving slowly. They come here more and I’ve had to work damn hard to get it to that. After what happened with my ex
Add to that my intrusive thoughts about my body and my financial problems. I live in constant fear that I am going to come home from work, and I’ve been kicked out of my house. I’m scared of every knock at the door, and I won’t open my mail.
I hate myself constantly, I’m no good and I don’t know why I am the way I am. I’ve tried to seek help recently and it hasn’t worked. It’s like trying to force yourself into the middle of a rubber band ball. The NHS passed me on to someone who passed me on to someone. Every time I have to start from the start explaining the surface level problems, but nobody digs any deeper. They have passed me onto housing help now. That’s not what I want, I want someone to help me find out who I’m supposed to be. Why am I the way I am and what can do to want to be here, to experience life.
I don’t know why I’m even writing this. Maybe it will end up being my suicide note when they find me. Who am I kidding, I’m too scared to ever act on these feelings. This started as something I could record to send to therapy when they ask, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ and I just carried on writing, though I could never afford it. Maybe when I get kicked out of my house it will be the thing that tips me over the end. Just wanted to write how I feel down. So if anything did ever happen, people would know why. Maybe it will be something I can look upon in happier times. I doubt it though. #MentalHealth #Depression #Suicide
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