Suicidal Thoughts

I’m really frustrated here right now, I’m going home, and home is very far, as I was in a formation program for software devs.
I couldn’t finish the last exercise of a list, only the first 6 ones were obligatory but I wanted to do all 10 of them, and I got stuck at 10.
It seems like a very little thing to worry about, but it’s not worry, I just have a very rigid brain that tells me I need to finish and do perfect else I’m not good enough.
And I’m already in a position there that I know, even if people say it’s ok, I don’t doubt a single moment that there will be a lot of internalised ableism and a lot of annoyed souls because I’m the first blind person in the program that actually got into it. But then the accessibility is close to none, we’re trying to get by, I’m using the very little bit of sight I have left to try and read with a lot of zoom when I can’t use Orca to read stuff for me. Yes, Orca, Lunix’s discontinued screen reader that gets tweaked from time to time but honestly it’s very much abandoned.
So everyday is me trying to not only do things in a way my brain will see my worth, in the way my brain will accept, because cognitive rigidity is a nightmare and a source of self hate. And then there’s this, being everyday surrounded by sighted people, or some lv1 autistic here and there (at least I think someone might also be on the spectrum). But no one who basically would stop being able to use the computer because is stimming so much that can’t avoid moving their hands and it making the mouse move being impossible to see anything even if you’re sighted. And then go to the restroom because needs to cry and move the whole body until stabilise to be able to do anything.
I wish I could say “try being on my shoes for a single day and feel what I feel” but truth is, I’m very much used to blindness and autism, it’s my everyday life. If a sighted person experiences blindness for a single day only, they would pretty much be even more ableist, because not so much of news but they will not be able to do anything almost. So yeah, to know what means to walk on my shoes, means 23 years and a half dealing with undiagnosed autism, lots of forms of abuse, and progressive vision loss happening abruptly after living a whole life with low vision and only discovering it at 18yo.
Quick editing just to fix an English breaking over there and to clarify that I am a diagnosed autistic, but I was only fully diagnosed after 18yo, so out of these 23 years and a half, 18 would be dealing with undiagnosed autism.
Also, no hate towards lv1 people, it’s just that the difference when it comes to a meltdown or shutdown , and the amount of repetitive movements or sounds, the level difference has a very large and clear line in between.
Also something fun to say: today I confirmed that I really hate umbrellas. I avoided buying one because carrying a cane is already a hand that will be unavailable. Try a cane and an umbrella. It’s indeed a nightmare.

I am on medications for my mental health and it makes me feel hungry plus I have really bad acne scars on my face because my dad took me to a dietitian a few years ago and the pill they gave me caused me to have marks all over my face. The pill was called Adipex. I did lose the weight but a few years later I ended up gaining back all the weight and even more weight than I was before
#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Schizophrenia #Psychosis #Autism #ADHD #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #Disability #ChronicIllness #Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Diabetes #Depression #DiabetesType1 #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD

Throughout my life I have had men especially men I have had crushes on reject me or say stuff about the way I look that I am not attractive and I am ugly. I have even been told I am not appealing. I don’t think I am pretty and therapy doesn’t help that. I never liked the way I looked even when I was skinny. Now I am overweight because of my mental health medications. It’s just what can I do if I was born this way? I always had people be so rude and mean to me. I don’t see why people can’t be nice, I have been through so much and I am close to 30 and a virgin.
#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Disability #ADHD #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Schizophrenia #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Psychosis #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #TraumaticBrainInjury #Trauma #BingeEatingDisorder #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #Diabetes