Suicidal Thoughts

I hope life gets better for me everyday in every way and I hope that for all of you too! I don’t know why people say such mean things. I emailed a model once and told her what I was going through with my mental health journey and her reply was that my life will get worse and worse over the years that she will pray for me. I swear I hope that’s not true because I deserve a life that always continues to get better for me in every way and so do all of you!
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I have had so many men call me ugly. I used to go online and pretend to be other attractive pretty girls and when I showed them real pictures of me. I got so many nasty mean remarks thrown to me about my appearance. I know I am not the prettiest girl but at least be nice because I am a GIRL not a fucking boy. I hate the way I look. I can’t even be around an attractive female without being insecure because when a pretty girl walks into the room, they probably would get complimented right away and I never do. I am always by myself and plan on being by myself for the rest of my life. Attractive people piss me off. I don’t like being around them. I was never considered one. When I was little my parents said I looked like a doll and I had so many people say stuff about the way I look saying I am ugly mostly men. Sorry I will never look like Jennifer Lopez and some people probably really wouldn’t understand why I am this way. I really hate my appearance. Maybe if I lost all the weight I wanted and my skin cleared up forever, I would feel a little better about myself but otherwise no. Sometimes I see attractive people in public and just want to punch them. That is not gonna change.
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There was one time I was hospitalized in a residential treatment center in Florida and one of the female mental health techs that I kept talking to and opening up to told me to make a wish and it will come true. I feel like the wish is coming true but it wasn’t even like a big wish. I wish I made a better wish. I wish that I can have 100 more wishes come true because honestly right now my life sucks and I am barely living. I hope I can get my 100 wishes one day soon. It would mean the world to me if I do.
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My highest weight was 190. I was never the best looking and men never hit on me. All the attractive men I ever liked rejected me and made comments about me & my appearance. My dad is forcing me to diet even if I get skinny I won’t be happy with the way I look because I have never been pretty like a doll.

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