Suicidal Thoughts

Everything started when I was 12. I was very young, but I had already been through a lot in my life. I had been hospitalized in a psychiatric unit, I got out, I moved, I lost friends, I made new ones. I had lived many things and I had already understood that life unfortunately is not easy. I was going through a very difficult phase at that time because I had just moved to a new place and had to adapt. I struggled to meet new people, but despite that things were going relatively well. I made friends at school and through Instagram I met more people. At that time I had strong suicidal thoughts and I was self harming, turning emotional pain into physical pain because it felt easier to handle at that stage of my life. After some time there I started talking to a boy. We talked every day all day. We had incredible chemistry. I felt good when I talked to him and I had never felt like that before. Soon flirting started and after a while we began seeing each other. My feelings became stronger and stronger. There are no words to describe what I felt for this person. I became his girlfriend. We often sent each other long messages about how amazing we felt in the relationship. He felt like the boy of my dreams and the way I felt was indescribable. Everything was perfect at least in the beginning. Then he started disliking my female friends and I accepted it. He started distancing me from every friend I had because of jealousy and I accepted it. He started controlling everything. I gave him my passwords and he had access to my social media accounts and I accepted it. He started controlling what clothes I wore and I accepted it. He wanted us to go out only together. Going out with friends was a problem. Why with them and not with him. I accepted it. He isolated me from everyone and I accepted it. I accepted everything because I truly loved him. I was terrified of losing him and I did everything I could to keep him. But whenever I expressed something he did that hurt me he always ended up being the victim. I always ended up being the one at fault. I was blamed for having emotions. I was never right. My feelings did not matter anymore. My opinion did not matter. My needs did not matter. But I loved him so much that I wanted to satisfy him in every possible way even if it meant having sex when I did not really want to. The truth is I never felt what people describe as love. I felt like a piece of flesh. It was a moment of satisfaction not love. When I said I was not in the mood his answer was I will make you want it. No was never an answer. If we did not have sex one day he would get distant and leave as if we had argued. I felt that I was not enough if I did not provide sex and pleasure. This taught me that in order to be loved I had to do it. My self harming continued and he did not support me. I remember one day he saw fresh scars on my arms and instead of comforting me he got angry blamed me and left me behind. I needed a hug and understanding but I had no way to express what I was feeling. He did not make me regret my scars. He made me feel weak broken and sick. Still none of that mattered compared to the love I had for him. It was enough for me that he stayed. His manipulative behavior made me believe he was just overprotective and that he cared deeply. But if that were true I would not have lost all my friends my freedom to wear what I want and my freedom to speak freely without being monitored. If that were true intimacy would feel like love not like being an object. This relationship was a nightmare. I constantly felt crazy because of the gaslighting every time I expressed that his behavior hurt me. It was a very sensitive period of my life. I needed his love to feel that I had value as a person after years of bullying. This person drained me. I emptied myself to fill him. I remember another day I will never forget. We had a small disagreement and he tried to take my phone. I resisted. He did not respect my boundaries and he hit me in the face. When my lip started bleeding and he saw the blood he immediately apologized and said he did not mean to do it. But he could have respected me from the start. Every time I tried to talk about his behavior the conversation turned into mine. Arguments became daily. When you love someone that much it becomes incredibly hard to leave. He also had a tendency to enjoy causing me pain. He would bite me extremely hard leaving bruises on my body even though he knew I hated it. Despite the marks and pain he did not stop. One day he humiliated me so badly that he made me feel ashamed of existing. During intimacy he sent an explicit photo to my mother as a joke. Once again he was the victim and I comforted him saying it was okay even though it affected my relationship with my mother. I shared everything I was going through with my father’s partner at the time. One day he came to our house and she saw him. Wanting to protect me she yelled at him and confronted him for how he treated me. When it ended he ran away and I immediately went after him to comfort him and tell him everything was okay even though he was not the real victim. The worst part is that he was never afraid of destroying my life. He wanted to own me so much that I could have gotten pregnant many times but I was lucky. He would finish inside me without my consent and tell me afterward. This could have ended far worse but thankfully it did not. I stayed for a year because I hoped he would change. I hoped things would go back to how they were in the beginning. I missed the person I met not the one he became. Hope kept me there until everyone around me and my family realized this relationship was destroying me. It drained every drop of life inside me and I understood that I would either lose him or lose myself. I felt so small next to him so stupid so crazy. I always felt he was superior and that he knew better. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved without limits. He made me feel such safety and trust at first that I was not afraid to give everything. I gave one hundred percent of myself without knowing I would lose everything later. Jealousy disguised as interest control disguised as care isolation disguised as love devaluation disguised as honesty gaslighting disguised as logic anger disguised as passion sexual assault disguised as desire victimization disguised as sensitivity. These are the first signs you must recognize in a relationship and walk away before someone isolates you from everything you love including yourself. #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

I keep remembering this one guy who knew my uncle and he told me my life could be a lot worse and then one time I used to talk to this girl who was a really bad nasty person who took advantage of me and he told me I am too young to be hanging out with her that she is a fine lady. I also keep remembering there was this one guy who worked as a mental health technician at the mental hospital I was in and he told me to leave him alone and then he saw me got hospitalized again and he asked how I am doing. Another mental health technician named Alex told me what I am going through must be tough and it doesn’t effect his life whatsoever. I can’t count how many times I have had men be rude and disrespectful to me even cops. I don’t see why they can’t be nice. I have been called ugly my whole life. I don’t know why people have to be so rude to me. That’s why I am not gonna tolerate bullsh*t anymore and I am gonna be mean too. There have been plenty of more times people have been rude to me; countless. That is why I choose to stay away from people. I rather be by myself..
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This boy in my class made fun of me and said I am not appealing. Honestly the same boy failed the class and might have a criminal record which makes me feel better because what he did to me was wrong. I am diagnosed with Schizophrenia Bipolar. I have had people be so mean and rude to me my whole life especially boys in school and just men in general. I have been called ugly my whole life. I am disabled and I am 29 years old. I almost got attacked twice in school like beat up too for no reason and it was by boys. My nationality is West Indian. That’s why I don’t plan on going back to school only doing online school because why do people have to attack me? I am not a bad person.
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The girl who did this, her and her sister took advantage of me and I hope to never see them or have people like that back in my life. They are such low life bums and what they did to me traumatized me. I am going to a therapist and I told them what they did to me. They are nasty. What is even worse is that they are of similar culture of mine and it makes me not want to be around people of my nationality because all that mistreatment I got from them. The girl who forced me to touch her boobs, I know this might sound harsh but I really don’t care what happens to her especially her sister. If they punish I would laugh lol. One of there family members was on the news for something really bad and if I knew all this information about them, I would of never talked to such awful people.
#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression #Bipolar2 #Psychosis #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Schizophrenia #BipolarDisorder #Selfharm #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SuicidalThoughts #Trauma #Suicide #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety