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    Can't stop crying

    So I'm on a low dose of Cymbalta and my depression is bad I've gone thrift 2 major spinal surgeries in a yr and a half. This last one is hard on me it was tethered cord release surgery. #Depression #TRD my bf and I all we do is fight he yells at me all the time. Is there a chat room in here would like to know. My thoughts are scattered because of my anxiety and depression so sorry if my post makes no sense atm.

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    What helps you cope with worsening depression?

    This morning I realized I’m showing the signs of a deeper depressive episode (compared to the everyday depression) — disregarding hygiene, not feeling up to doing anything I usually enjoy, becoming easily agitated and angry, and that whole “I feel like a walking antidepressant commercial” vibe as I look out the window full of melancholy.

    Do you have any advice for ways to put the brakes on this worsening depression? What helps you when you feel your depression symptoms getting worse?

    #MentalHealth #Depression #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #CheckInWithMe #MDD #BipolarDisorder

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    MAOI & Low Tyramine Diet

    MAOI & Low Tyramine Diet

    I’m exhausted. I’m 60 and sick and tired of battling to stay alive to fight another day of this depression.

    I’ve been on every anti-depressant, years of ECT in which I was one of the rare ones who had lost all of my memories, so many psychiatric hospital stays, suicide attempts and because nothing is left to try, now on an MAOI, parnate which is only given for treatment resistant depression.

    My psychiatrist really wants me to try ketamine but it cost $5,380 here in British Columbia and only helps for a year.

    My anxiety, agoraphobia and chronic pain which I’ve learned is neuroplastic are part of my life.

    I use the apps Headspace for meditation, Curable for neuroplastic chronic pain and learning to retrain the brain there is nothing structurally wrong with my body, Eat Right Now for my binging and just yesterday was told about Most Days for helping to build routines with mental illness. My doctor, psychiatrist and dietician all wanted me to use these apps as they felt it would help. They are really good but do leave me feeling overwhelmed.

    I’m also struggling with survivors guilt that I’m alive while my 5 yr old grandson was killed by a falling tree Aug 18, 2020. That day I was preparing to go into hospital as I was so suicidal. I promised myself I’d get better and healthy in his memory, but that hasn’t happened so now I carry guilt and shame that I couldn’t fight this depression even for my him.

    Being on parnate, I have to eat a low tyramine diet which is so restrictive. Not knowing, my binging was out of control eating so much unhealthy food, the result being they were all high tyramine and broke down the enzymes of the parnate making it less effective.

    No wonder I was still so depressed. Finally made sense as I’d been on the maximum dose of parnate for a couple weeks and was worsening.

    I’m now with a dietician who is helping me eat “safe” foods. She’s really understanding of depression and my lack of energy so for now, my 3 meals are simple and quick to make.

    There is so much conflicting information on the internet about low tyramine diets so it’s been very frustrating.

    Is anyone here taking an MAOI and on a low tyramine diet? #Parnate #MAOI #lowtyraminediet Treatmentresistantdepression #TRD #ECT

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    Coping Statements #coping

    Coping can be hard. Hope these help. #CopingTips #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD

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    Thank you for your service. #MemorialDay

    Happy Memorial Day. #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD

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    Nowhere to go from here

    My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

    I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

    It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

    I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

    She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

    If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

    Thanks for listening.

    #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression

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    Have a wonderful and peaceful day! #MothersDay

    Happy Mother’s Day! #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD

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    Happy Earth Day! Be kind always. #earthday

    Happy Earth Day! #TRD #TreatmentresistantDepression #happyearthday

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