Wastingtime

After a week of lockdown, I'm kind of slipping into this weird state where I really don't even want to leave my house again anyway. Of course I want this covid-19 pandemic to be over and for the world to go back to normal asap, but being at home has made me realize just how unhappy I am in my day to day life and how everyday I just go through the motions so I can pay my bills at the end of the month. I'm starting to feel really anxious about it because I feel stuck. #Anxiety #stuck #Wastingtime

I have a terrible feeling that nothing is in its place, that nothing is as it should be, that something is wrong... Everything annoys me. I don’t know what to do with myself. It is hard to find a reason or sense when you’ve been in a dark place for so long you don’t even know what it means to live normally. How to start living again...

How do you know what living feels like?
How do you know exactly that what you do is what you should? How do you know how to spend your day? Without feeling guilty or like a piece of trash during it...

I guess I don’t have strong will and I can’t guide myself through the day, through anything I do.
And anything I do, seems like wasting time. #worthless #NotGoodEnough #Depression #Productivity #Wastingtime #anger #anxious

Nothing seems to get me in the mode to do what I know needs to be done. I have to fill out a diary card for therapy nightly... why does it take me like 3 hours to fill it out!?!???!?!!!! Haha 😆 its funny but also Aggravating, because I lose time for other things like sleep! It’s like every night now where I find myself trying to get it done earlier but I land up fidgeting or snacking on food I find myself binging on food many times....it’s a crying shame... I really can’t get myself to focus. Is it something I should bring up to my therapist? Or should I try to take breaks in between? The binging habit I want to break though ... i don’t know what else to do to get my homework done without falling into a pattern of late night binging and procrastination. Also I dissociate too when I start to over-think too. Gosh... I feel so stupid that it takes me such a long time to do a simple diary card!?!?!? My memory has been impacted with my meds and probably due to #Trauma also. I wish I was more alert but fight with brain fog all of the time... takes me longer to process my words/sentences and remember certain details about things that happened a short time ago.
Does anyone have this happen and how do you get through it? Does it improve? I talked about it with my doctor before and they wanted to give me an adhd med. Not sure how I feel about that.