9/11

I left gently and quietly

Kissed your head softly as so not to wake you

Rushed to avoid the rush hour

But I remember whispering I love you

Soon the sun would rise while heading south on the Palisades

I felt complete

An ease and peace settled upon me

Got to the station never putting an expectation on the day

History taught me to avoid a weatherman’s newspaper

9:03am- the first plane crashes and the North is shaken

Towering over the people, she fails to fall immediately

Alarms go off, heart starts to pound, thoughts of you

The truck seems to race faster than our collective minds

We haven’t failed to prepare,

But all the planning in the World hasn’t trained us for this

Counting by tens I make my way up

The axe feels light, so God must be commanding me to use it

It feels like we’ve only been here for seconds

Yet we get word of the South Tower being struck as well

I think of them

I think of you

This must have been planned

No time to come to grips with anything

Written or not

There is a wall to take down

It falls

So do we...

I wake up gently and quietly

I think of you

This time I say #goodbye

To you

And to history

God has taken some of us

We now breathe new life together

Far from the everyday struggles

Far from the tragedies

I watch over you

I wait for you

I will be there

I will be here

We will be

I started my #Recovery journey in 2014 and I found a new way of life immediately. No one warned me the NEW was NEW Chapters of Life, Chapters which would not finish before the next starts….
In 2014 I had to have a #lumpectomy from my right #breast .
In the beginning of 2015 I was served #Divorce papers. By the end of the year we reconciled.
In 2016 when I should be excited my eldest is graduating from High School, simultaneously my second born had to have #OpenHeartSurgery .
In 2017 second born lost his first grandmother and I got to fly him from CA to ME to see her take her last breath.
In 2019 I was the proud #homeowner with my #husband of 10 years. We were finally making the #americandream .
In April 2020 I get a phonecall my father has had a #brainstemstroke I had to come home to Maine to assist with #lifeendingchoices .
In May 2020 my Mother is diagnosed with #OvarianCancer .
I am now temporarily living with my mother, being a #Caregiver , yet my #husband #mycaregiver #Abandoned me and then requested to take #fullcustody of #ourdaughter via the #Divorce .
In July 2021 my Mother sadly passed away. I have become an #Orphan too quickly. #Grief and #Depression is all too real now.
In March 2022, My second son has now come down sick. Doctors spend months trying to figure out why. It takes until July 2022 to diagnose him with #Sepsis #Endocarditis he spends 2 weeks #hospitalized and another 8 weeks on a #PiccLine at home.
In Dec 2022 he is given a clean bill of health and decides to come live with me in #Maine .
In Feb 2023 he starts to become tired easily, slight cough, and finally passed out in March.
March 10th he passed out at home. We called #911 and the #localer #Misdiagnosed him.
March 13th I took him to #mainemedicalcenter where he was hospitalized for 7 days with #Pneumonia and possible #Endocarditis where he was then transferred to #boston .
March 19th upon arriving to #brighamwomanhospital - #shapirocardiovascularcenter he underwent dozens more blood testing, procedures, exams, etc.
Today March 27th he is having #OpenHeartSurgery Number 2 to replace the pulmonary valve, pulmonary conduit, remove large vegetation.
In a couple of days as scheduled I am also supposed to exchange visitation with my daughter so I can visit with her for Spring Vacation. However my ex is trying to knit pick about my schedule and if I have ample time to spend with our daughter while my adult son is in ICU. Our daughter is 11 years old.
I really feel in the last multiple years I have had one catastrophic event after another without time to process.
I have other things like major moves, loss of therapists, and other medical mental health issues. I am so exhausted today scared sick for my son.
I am so annoyed how some people enjoy kicking others while they are down.
I don’t even know when I am going to sleep again right now. I have so many thoughts, concerns, to do’s in my head - I can’t sleep it is going to drive me crazy.
I am so sick of being in a chapter book that doesn’t let the chapters end.

911 what's your emergency.
I'm a mother whose son wants to die.
His life has been one disappointment after another according to him.
911 what's your emergency.
I'm a mother who doesn't know what to do anymore.
I've spent 25 years making decisions that didn't work.
911 what's your emergency.
I'm a mother of a son who wants her dead.
I need help, he needs help, we must have help.
911 what's your emergency.
Is anyone listening.