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Grief, Struggles, Depression (Wash Cycle Doesn’t End)

I started my #Recovery journey in 2014 and I found a new way of life immediately. No one warned me the NEW was NEW Chapters of Life, Chapters which would not finish before the next starts….
In 2014 I had to have a #lumpectomy from my right #breast .
In the beginning of 2015 I was served #Divorce papers. By the end of the year we reconciled.
In 2016 when I should be excited my eldest is graduating from High School, simultaneously my second born had to have #OpenHeartSurgery .
In 2017 second born lost his first grandmother and I got to fly him from CA to ME to see her take her last breath.
In 2019 I was the proud #homeowner with my #husband of 10 years. We were finally making the #americandream .
In April 2020 I get a phonecall my father has had a #brainstemstroke I had to come home to Maine to assist with #lifeendingchoices .
In May 2020 my Mother is diagnosed with #OvarianCancer .
I am now temporarily living with my mother, being a #Caregiver , yet my #husband #mycaregiver #Abandoned me and then requested to take #fullcustody of #ourdaughter via the #Divorce .
In July 2021 my Mother sadly passed away. I have become an #Orphan too quickly. #Grief and #Depression is all too real now.
In March 2022, My second son has now come down sick. Doctors spend months trying to figure out why. It takes until July 2022 to diagnose him with #Sepsis #Endocarditis he spends 2 weeks #hospitalized and another 8 weeks on a #PiccLine at home.
In Dec 2022 he is given a clean bill of health and decides to come live with me in #Maine .
In Feb 2023 he starts to become tired easily, slight cough, and finally passed out in March.
March 10th he passed out at home. We called #911 and the #localer #Misdiagnosed him.
March 13th I took him to #mainemedicalcenter where he was hospitalized for 7 days with #Pneumonia and possible #Endocarditis where he was then transferred to #boston .
March 19th upon arriving to #brighamwomanhospital - #shapirocardiovascularcenter he underwent dozens more blood testing, procedures, exams, etc.
Today March 27th he is having #OpenHeartSurgery Number 2 to replace the pulmonary valve, pulmonary conduit, remove large vegetation.
In a couple of days as scheduled I am also supposed to exchange visitation with my daughter so I can visit with her for Spring Vacation. However my ex is trying to knit pick about my schedule and if I have ample time to spend with our daughter while my adult son is in ICU. Our daughter is 11 years old.
I really feel in the last multiple years I have had one catastrophic event after another without time to process.
I have other things like major moves, loss of therapists, and other medical mental health issues. I am so exhausted today scared sick for my son.
I am so annoyed how some people enjoy kicking others while they are down.
I don’t even know when I am going to sleep again right now. I have so many thoughts, concerns, to do’s in my head - I can’t sleep it is going to drive me crazy.
I am so sick of being in a chapter book that doesn’t let the chapters end.

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#pet #pettherapy #Love #Cats #companion #alone #Furbaby

What would I ever do??? & where would I ever be???? without a cat!!! I've lived alone mostly all my adult #Life . I KNOW I'd be #hospitalized a lot more & would suffer extreme #Loneliness if I didn't.....i have a few hermit crabs too; but they are in an aquarium & can't walk up to me & rub their little heads against my knee as I sit on the couch watching a movie &/or listening to my playlists 🎶 I'd be much more #stressed & #depressed without my little Gracie- Wasie! She's truly a big #blessing for which I am so very #grateful 🐱!!!!


I want to give up but I’m still here

I’m still here but I’m in a #BipolarDisorder low right now & I just want to give up. I’m tired, I can’t stop grappling with #SuicidalIdeation I just hurt all the time, my heart is broken from my #Divorce, I can’t stop thinking about all the bad stuff going on in my life it’s too much. I feel alone: but I also feel like I don’t want to talk to people(my friends), one to not burden them, also because I don’t want to scare them or make them think I need to be #hospitalized because that would not help. I need to find a new therapist but the one I had can’t do phone sessions & was 40 mins away & I have severe #Anxiety #PTSD because of the car wreck so anytime I get in a car I get physically sick. I can’t handle the drive every week. Also was going to start some new #Bipolar meds but the meds that were perscribed messed with my #PCOS birth control so I can’t take them & my doctor hasn’t got back to me about a different med. I spent like three weeks in a #ManicEpisode now I’m just so low all I want to do is sleep. #imstillhere though. #TakeItOneDayAtATime I’m just going to try to focus on my #Cats #MightyPets & breath. I need to shower but I’m hurting & I don’t feel like it but I need to so I’m going to force myself to do it. #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #tired #lonely #exhausted


Going In-Patient

I’ve been on a downward spiral for the last six weeks and it’s come to a head. On Thursday I googled the best ways to kill my self using my meds. It’s ok for now, I have a suicide prevention plan in place and am not alone. My wife knows that I’m struggling and my psychiatrist has made some changes to my meds. If I don’t experience an uptick in the next couple days, I’ll be going inpatient. I’ve been to the hospital before doing IOP (intensive out-patient) work but never admitted.

I’m scared to be “locked away”. I’m scared to surrender so much control. I’ve talked to friends I’m made in group and that has helped a lot, but if anyone else has positive stories of inpatient to share or words of encouragement, that would be really appreciated. Thank you.

#BipolarDisorder #Inpatient #Bipolar1Disorder #hospitalized #admitted #mentalhealthhospital

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#CheckInWithMe so this has been me this past week and last night it hit fever pitch and I had a massive panic attack I’m still getting after shocks now with chest pain and stomach pain I’m exhausted of feeling like this and not knowing the trigger #Anxiety #PanicAttack #hospitalized #terrified #exhausted #Depression #highfunctioningautism


On the road of recovery!

It’s been about 10 years since I was last hospitalized for depression and a suicide attempt where I ended up in the emergency room. After waking up at the hospital I was transferred to a psychiatric ward. It was a ride I don’t remember. #SuicideAttempt #hospitalized #Recovery #RecoveryIsPossible


New beginnings after a long hard road

Two days ago I got a job for the first time since I dropped out of college 2 and a half years ago.

Story time: I had to leave my dream school because I was diagnosed with #Bipolar1 after a month long #ManicEpisode that was one of the scariest periods of my life.

I was hospitalized for a month and a week I missed Halloween and my dad and sister’s birthdays. I home for thanksgiving but I stayed home alone and ate cold chicken. It was not the worst moment.

After about two weeks I had to be #Involuntarilycommitted to the same #Mentalward for another month and a half. For the first week I was on constant watch. Which means you have to be in a trained babysitters sight at all times. They can’t pay as many of these babysitters as they need so we had to share. That meant I had to wait to go to the bathroom until some nurse could come watch which was very hard because I had to constantly drink a ton for my meds.

I spent Christmas, New Years and my little sisters birthday in the hospital. My dog died while I was in there too. I stayed up all night and sadly watched as Donald Trump surpassed Hilary Clintons number of electoral college votes in the 2016 election.

When I finally left I left 17 pounds heavier than I came in. I was prescribed a medication depakote that made me gain weight retain a ton of water and it only kept getting worse. In two and a half months I had gone from 140 pounds to 175. It was terrible on my joints. I couldn’t do anything physical and I almost developed diabetes. Thank god in May of that year I stopped taking that medication.

It’s has been a crazy road since then. I have been very sick physically because of medications, #Manic again, in more #MixedStates than I can count. Had bouts of depression and anxiety and barely barely escaped being #hospitalized again.

I have lost a lot of the weight. I have improved my medication combination and am on a lot less heavy and sedating medication. After trying to go back to college again three times I decided to take a break from that and get a job and two days ago #Igotajob !!!

This is only a very brief snippet of my mental health journey, which started when I was five but my message to you is #Ihavebipolardisorder and I am succeeding. I didn’t think it was possible but I am beginning to learn how to be bipolar and have a life I can be proud of.


My Condition #Depression#Pain#Anxiety

I was in a #CarAccident months ago and its turned my life upside down. I am 11 months into recovery and #struggling more in many ways then the initial #painful months.

My ride-share driver had a seizure one morning on the way to work last March and my life hasn't been the same since. I was #hospitalized for 10 days in inpatient for 11 and have been recovering from home since then. I thought I would be so much further than I am now. It's soul crushing.

I got out alive, barely with 8 #fractures including #surgeries in both of my legs. I was bed ridden for months. On a walker for months. And I still use a cane today. I also #Broke small back bones, my finger and 4 ribs. But whos counting right?

I have moments of happiness that are surrounded with sadness.

I am utterly disappointed in almost everyone around me.

My husband, best friend and Mom have been there for me with open arms. 

They are all that I have. 

And my dog.

I have the clarity to see the true character of the friends I have chosen.

The results are sobering.

I can no longer escape my pain with my old habits. 

I can no longer resort to the things that defined me as me.

I can no longer resort on the tools that relieved my stress my entire life. 

Drinking, drugs, music, people all cause me pain. 

I am at a loss.

I am not happy with my support system today.

I don’t even know what I truly expect from anyone.

If they cared enough to join me in the world I am trapped in. 

Because I am not able to join the world.

I constantly feel alone. 

I feel abandoned.

I feel lost.

When I try to reach out to those around me. 

It just ends in a worse place than it started. 

Because no one really understands. 

No one cares enough to ask, or genuinely check in.

I don't think I can ever forgive them or see them the same. 

The groundhog day that I have been in for months on end. 

I am consumed with so much sadness.

I could break into tears at any moment.

The only moment I get reprieve is when I have medication. 

Enough to ease my pain, calm my mind and give my energy back.   

But it turns on me. 

For every day it gives me joy it gives me twice the pain. 

I have realized how alone in the world I truly am. 

Even tho I am just as alone as I was before. 

For the first time in my life I needed help. 

And even when I begged in tears for months on end it wasn’t enough. 

I have become estranged from my family over the years. 

And I am almost 40 with no children. 

I am questioning what the rest of my life will look like. 

I am afraid that it will feel as alone as the past 11 months have felt. 

I am easily upset, an open wound, vulnerable and unlike myself. 

I appear to be okay sometimes but I am not. 

The quiet asks from you, are actually loud cries. 

My career was taken from me. My health was taken from me. My energy was taken from me. 

My freedom was taken from me. 

My life perspective was taken from me. My happiness was taken from me. 

And I can’t find my way back….