Considering all the Hashtags I've just used I'm wondering exactly what The Universe has planned for me . You'd put a dog down for less 🤷🏼
Anyway, my reason for posting is to ask all you lovely folk, who may, or may not be reading this, whether anyone has had to cope with a dual diagnosis of mental health and addiction?
I am aware of the fact that my mental health issues started to emerge during my teens. Probably around the age of 12 or 13. And it wasn't too long after that I started experimenting with illegal substances.
My family life was pretty unstable, mum had been having an affair on and off for a few years, and came and went a couple of times.
This culminated in a last ditch attempt by my parents to save their marriage, and we ended up moving from the town I had grown up and gone to school in, and where all my friends and family were, to the London suburbs.
At the time I was halfway through my GCSE's. I had to change a couple of subjects because the classes were full. Went from a mixed school to a girls' school, and was subsequently bullied. I vividly remember taking an overdose before going to school one day, becoming frightened, and making myself sick when I got to school. I went to the office and told them I was sick and spent the rest of the day lying down in the sick room. (Implying no-one came to pick me up).
During this time, I woke up one morning as usual got ready for school etc. When I was leaving my mum was leaving too. And she turned and looked at me and said "Joanna, when you come back from school today I won't be here ".
To which I replied,
"Why what are you doing "?
And she said,
"I'm leaving your dad, so I won't be home tonight, but I'll be in touch soon "
At which point I became extremely emotional, on the verge of hysterical and fell to my knees begging her not to go, imploring her to explain why she was leaving, and whether it had anything to do with me.
The most painful, and upsetting memory I have about the whole scenario, is her basically taking my hands off her, and leaving me crying and distraught on the doorstep.
I have been lucky enough to be blessed with a beautiful daughter, she's 22 now, and I did everything in my power, not to repeat the cycle. It took a bit of tough love from a very close friend, and a lot of soul searching, to ensure that my daughter didn't experience the pain of rejection and abandonment that I did. Thankfully she's fairly well adjusted.
What I'm struggling to say is that I'm finding harder and harder to function on any kind of 'sane' level on a day to day basis. I was supposed to see a psychiatrist last week, which I failed to attend.
This is common for me, because I self sabotage. But it only adds to the disarray of my life and trying to live it.
My addiction started as a teenager and I have never had any sort of abstinence to speak of. I know my brain is fucked, I'm fucked, everything is, and I can't find any way out.
12 steps didn't work. Tried many times.