Aneurysm

Hi, my name is gkpoole1227. I'm here because I had a congenital birth defect in my heart. I had a bicuspid instead of a tricuspid aortic valve which had caused an aneurysm in my aortic arch. In April of 2021, I had my aortic arch and my aortic valve replaced during the same operation. Directly after the surgery, for three days I suffered with delirium, where I did not know my husband or daughter. It was a very scary time. I would also say I experienced brain fog for months. I have had some vision problems as well- though that seems to be improving now that I am 2 years out. As some other women have stated, I also had some hair loss after the surgery.
Kimberly Poole

#MightyTogether

Yesterday two of my three children went back to school for the 2022-2023 school year. We did all the things to prepare for the first day: schools supplies, meet the teacher, picked clothes out, talked about what they looked forward to and what they were fearful of.

I walked them to school (we live a few houses away), hugged each of them and waved goodbye reassuring them they were going to have a great day. Then I turned around and headed home.

On my walk I was flooded with the feelings my heart had been storing. My other child will not be returning to school with his siblings because just 11 months ago he suffered a severe hemorrhagic stroke caused by a ruptured aneurysm at the site of an unknown arteriovenous malformation within the left portion of his brain. That was a lot of words right?!?! Yep, that’s what I thought too when it all happened.

The aneurysm that led to a catastrophic bleed resulted in a brain injury we could have never foreseen. See that’s what happens with rare diseases; there is not enough research or education for people to be aware they even exist. Even when the result is lifelong recovery to a degree that is different for each case.

Some parents are informed pre-birth about genetic anomalies or diseases because of genetic testing or ultrasound results. Some find out after the birth of their child takes place or within the first few months because of difficulties or symptoms. We were completely unaware there was a ticking time bomb tucked deeply away in our son’s brain just waiting to explode.

Having your child acquire their disability and become medically complex after their adolescent years is… well, not something words can describe or that I would wish upon anyone. The grief is heavy and the learning curve steep.

I have joined groups of other parents with similar diagnosis’s only to be utterly discouraged by seeing so many others’ miraculous recoveries or much shorter timelines.

I have also built community with other moms who know all too well what it is like to have a medically complex child. I feel more support in these relationships, but still a hole and lack of relation when it comes to the stage of life we are in and grieving what we have lost.

I cannot care for my now 10 year old the way I could if he was 4 or 6. He is just too big. I need to use a lift for transporting and a slide sheet to move him in bed. I cannot pick him up and move him from place to place nor can I easily change him.

The advocacy and focus is also different. They advocate to embrace who their child is and the fact that they are no less and their needs are human, not “special.” WHICH IS ALL COMPLETELY, 10000 PERCENT ACCURATE AND ON POINT!!

I’m just not there. I’m not in that place or space. My child, at this time, is no longer capable of expressing who they were or doing the things they once did. My advocacy is more towards awareness about grief, sharing space and about his condition.

Only a parent who has experienced their child acquiring a brain injury, through disease or trauma, later in life knows the mourning and pain that accompanies every old photograph, every childhood video, every backwards milestone, every part of moving forward your other children experience without their sibling, every word not spoken, every smile not taken, every dream not lived every story not shared.

My goal here is not to discredit other parents’ grief or pain they experience with their children’s disabilities. Or their voice and message. Mine is different, not better or worse.

I grieve what was, what would have been and what could have been. Others grieve what would have been and what could have been. Both are still grief that needs to be explored and dealt with. Both have experiences that are valid and real.

The intent of my writing is to shed light so that when comfort or advice is shared, it is done so with knowledge and wisdom. When you approach a mama to a medically complex, rare disease, disabled child and share words, please be cautious to not put her in a stage of life she is either not prepared for or will never reach. If you do so, those words become a poison that attacks her heart and mind instead of a balm that soothes her soul. #BrainInjury #TBI #avm #PediatricStroke #RareDisease #disabilityparent #MedicallyComplexChild #MedicallyFragile #medicalmama #medicalmom #Caregiver

Was just wondering if this happens to anyone else . If I get a headache I think I’m dying or have a brain tumor or an aneurysm, etc. if I get pain in my legs I think it’s a blood clot or something severe. Every pain I get I think I’m dying and it’s so bad I just lose it and call my mom who just says you’re not dying . And my boyfriend says I think If you were really dying you wouldn’t know. Well , these things aren’t helping me. I think I’m dying pretty much every day and it’s scary. My doctor , he just says this is normal with anxiety. This is no life to live. I’m not living if I feel like I’m always dying. I need help .

It's December 17th and I don't have it in me to decorate for Christmas. I have a small Charlie Brown tree that's in a red bucket out. I bought some colorful battery operated lights to go on it, but have yet to buy the batteries. To put the lights on is about all I can manage. Forget the ornaments this year...everything is all packed up in my closet. I just don't feel like dragging it all out. Yet, I miss the decorations because it has brought me joy in what is a pretty hard month for me.

December is hard for me, because 26 years ago on December 4th I lost my mom very suddenly. She died in her sleep of an aneurysm. My world hasn't been the same since. I was only 18 when she passed. She wouldn't want me sad and #depressed Each year since I've had to work hard to make it a good month. I miss her so. Her birthday is December 30th.

I know that Christmas doesn't have to perfect and that it's perfectly fine to be a total mess. I'm trying to be kind and patient with myself. I cry a lot. At least I have plans to be with good friends on Christmas day. I'm blessed.

I had hoped to escape the #Depression that comes around this time of year, buy sadly it found me and here I sit.

I know the holidays are hard for a lot of people.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to those of you struggling. I see you. Also wishing the same to all here at this site.