Part 1 of 2 I have a history of complex trauma and have spent over half of my 56 years living with Multiple Sclerosis, Lyme Disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis and Uveitis(which has caused me to lose my eyesight). I am beyond exhausted. Listening to music is so healing for me, especially on the days I feel like I can’t handle “sick” one more minute. When listening to a song that makes me feel heard, the loneliness isn’t so lonely for a little while.
There is a song by U2 called Moment of Surrender. When I listened to it for the first time and heard Bono singing, “It’s not that I believe in love, It’s that Love believes in me”. The words hit me like a ton of bricks and I immediately started crying. I freaked out and thought, “Wow, someone else gets it.” Years later, I decided to start a blog(which never happened) and wanted to put that lyric as a quote on the title page. I did an internet search just to confirm I had it correct, expecting that I did. Low and behold, I was not correct and that is when I learned the true lyric, “It’s not if I believe in love, If love believes in me.” Seriously? I’ve had it wrong all of these years?
I have to be honest, I did feel some disappointment when I realized the difference between my made-up lyric and the songwriter’s. It’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, and, of course, very similar but… not the same. If I hear a song lyric wrong, I can’t decide if those are now my words? “It’s not that I believe in love, it’s that Love believes in me.” I know this to be true. I don’t have to believe in love to be loved. It’s not about belief. Love believes in me, end of story. I don’t have to do or be anything or anyone, I just have to be. That’s it. Easier said than done, but when I inevitably forget, I like how these words remind that I am loved by Love. Maybe if I ever muster up the courage to share more of my writing in a blog or a book and I really want to use this quote, I will send an inquiry to the band(I seriously doubt they give a shit) but, until then, I am going to continue to sing along with my own made-up lyric. I can’t help it. It means too much to me at this point.
While I’m on a roll, I might as well get into the following misheard lyric from the same song. This is what I hear, “I was speeding on the subway, Through the stations of the cross, Every eye looking every other way, Counting down ‘til the pain will stop”. I’ve mentioned this lyric to a couple people because these words resonate deep within my soul. I can feel how much pain people are in and it’s natural to look away so as not to see. So many of us are doing everything in our power to look anywhere else but directly at the pain, whether it be in our own eyes or someone else’s. Here is the literal lyric(I was close), “I was speeding on the subway, Through the stations of the cross, Every eye looking every other way, Counting down ‘til the Pentecost’. I am aware that the stations of the cross are a big part of Christianity and I think that line is referring to how we tend to crucify ourselves for all manner of things we think we have or haven’t done. In my mind, “stations of the cross” just enhanced the “counting down ‘til the pain will stop” line. I know I “crucify” myself on a regular basis which causes me emotional, physical and psychological pain. Now that I know the actual lyric, stations of the cross and Pentecost makes sense. Although, I’m sure I will probably continue to hear my version of the lyric, “Counting down ‘til the pain will stop” because I feel like that’s what we are all doing. It’s probably not productive to be counting down waiting for pain to stop. I mean we are human beings on planet Earth after all; pain is a part of the curriculum. I can honestly say that pain has been my greatest teacher.
Moving on… I want to wrap this up with my thoughts on the following set of lyrics(which I did hear correctly and rings so true for me): “I’ve been in every black hole, At the altar of the dark star, My body’s now a begging bowl, That’s begging to get back , begging to get back, To my heart, And to the rhythm of my soul, And to the rhythm of my unconsciousness, To the rhythm that yearns, To be released from control”. It brings tears to my eyes every time. I am not a religious person but spirituality is a huge part of my existence. Living with chronic illness would not be possible for me without faith. In all of my spiritual studies and practices over the years, I have found that surrendering control seems to be the place I always end up. “At the moment of surrender, I folded to my knees, I did not notice the passers-by and they did not notice me.” I have experienced the immense amount of peace and Love that accompanies letting go of control, but I have figured out that this life of ours is a process that ebbs and flows. Yes, surrender is the goal, but it’s not a one and done type