Grieving a Life You Cannot Live
I don’t think I’ll ever stop grieving. Yearning.
I am no longer in remission for lupus and due to this many other health complications have risen up. My pain level is at about an 8/10. And now, I, a 26 year old female with no children, will need to have a hysterectomy that has been scheduled for November. I am absolutely heartbroken.
My hysterectomy is tentatively scheduled for November pending INR results upon a closer date.
Lupus has taken everything from me at one point or another. Every penny I have for these specialists and procedures. My ability to walk. My ability to have children.
All that is left is an empty shell of the person I yearn to be.
I try to hold onto some sliver of hope- a purpose.
I try so hard to hold onto hope.
But days like today when I was just told with finality that I will never have children…
My partner, Nick, is a saint. He has stayed by my through every doctor, through every diagnosis. He has loved me through the dark.
And right now, in this very moment, I have a choice.
I can choose to spiral and tell myself that yes, Nick is doomed if he stays with me and I can never do anything to help me get through my lupus flare. I could lay in bed in a vegetative state and wallow in self pity for another day. I could give up.
Or. I can remind myself that I matter very much. That the world is NOT better without my in it. That I am not a burden. Not on my mom. Not on my partner. Not on society. I can remind myself that this is just another part of lupus- something I have to live with.
I choose the latter. I don’t know why I was chosen to be as sick as I am. But maybe it’s not a curse. My life doesn’t stop just because I am sick. And I will mourn every single day that I cannot have children of my own. And I will cherish Beyla (my Bernese mountain dog) all the more.
#Lupus #AntiphospholipidSyndrome #Hysterectomy #SjogrensSyndrome #Endometriosis #Infertility