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Writing out my thoughts 💭

I feel unhappy, depressed, feel like crying but there’s just some tears in my eyes not falling out, physically I feel something heavy on my chest, something in my throat, feelling hot on the inside of the body and but cold on the outside due to the fan blowing on me, my stomach is growling, I am not sure if I am hungry, my tongue is in pain because there is an ulcer on it. I have been trying to make new friends online, but I have so many pending messages that I am not replying to them, I worry that they will dislike me for not replying, but I don’t feel well enough to engage in conversations, I don’t want to reveal that I am actually very unhappy, but faking happiness seem such an insincere thing to do, I don’t want to be insincere. I am not very sure why I am in such a state, maybe because things are not going the way I want it to, and I am not willing to accept it. I prepared many things to fill up my time, I prepared movies to watch, novels to read, mobile games to play, colouring to do, word search book to do, songs to listen, but I don’t feel like doing any of those things, I am hiding in my room, lying on my bed, just wishing everything is fine again. I don’t feel like I can do these things, but I know I want to go to work, have my psychiatrist back again, stop feeling hurt and embarrassed by the past, go out with my best friends for dinner and chatting, maybe watch some movies, go out and meet new people with confidence, dress up in nice clothes and simply be happy again. I want to enjoy my life but I can’t do it. I don’t like it that things are out of my control. I don’t like the things that have happened to me. I don’t like that the future seem so dark and scary. I don’t even know if this is depression. I try to google the answer to stop all these pain but they keep telling me to move on, to accept things, to do things. I don’t want to hear those answers, I don’t want to do them. I feel like people will tell me “if I don’t help myself then no one can help me”. I’m so afraid to hear that, I don’t want that to be the truth. I need help, I feel afraid to be left alone to fend for myself, I wish my psychiatrist can help me again, As I am writing this, I am finally crying. But nothing has changed, the problem still exist, I am still helpless.
#Depression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxietyDisorder #dependantpersonalitydisorder #ParanoidPersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #personalitydisorder #Anxietythoughts #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder #ergophobia #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #Autism #PsychoticDisorder #Psychosis

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Feel like you're not good enough?

My biggest self grievance is when im just trying to sit and enjoy a tv show, and ill be upset with myself for not having deeper thoughts of introspection or artistic creativity, and then ill sit there and quickly try to have those thoughts and ill come up with nothing and it makes me feel like a failure. I think it would be betyer to accept the limitations of the mind and accept that the wind down period is just for me to relax and enjoy shutting off for awhile, but also taking a chunk of time every single day for deeper thought analysis by reading or taking up some sort of creative craft.


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Racing brain!

It's 02:20, I should be asleep: but I'm not! I have to get up for work in 4 hours but my brain is racing. Which led me to this thought:
My anxiety is like driving a car on the motorway with a faulty bonnet lock. It looks fine and seems okay until it flips up, smashes your windscreen, obscures your vision and forces you to come to a complete stop, if you haven't already crashed. It causes absolute chaos and blocks your view of the route ahead. It stops you being able to plan for the future and it just happens in an instant: no warning light, no background clicking to tell you there's an issue, just a bang, a crash and if you're lucky you stop before anything bad happens. If you're not lucky you end up with a messy aftermath and some serious apologising to do!
You can mentally prepare for worst case scenarios as you drive, as you can in life, but until something happens you just don't know how you'll react. When that bonnet smacks you in the face it's difficult to react in anyway but with fear and worry, it doesn't even get any easier if it happens more and more often.
But everytime it happens we try our best to re-secure free bonnet and carry on with our journey, and ith the knowledge that the tiniest bump in the road could send us careening towards anxiety central!
#shouldbesleeping #Anxietythoughts.


My Monster Called Anxiety;

Some days I just wake up and a race track of thoughts come through my mind as if it’s part of the track

They start to begin with, why do I look like that? Am I enough? What can I do better? Why is God letting me live my life? Is my life like it should be?

There followed by my heart racing as if it’s gathering them all up to get ready to eat away at my insides. It’s becoming more and more quicker like there’s no way if stopping it.

This isn’t how I should be living my life! This isn’t how I should start my day! This isn’t how i should be thinking.

But i can not help it this big monster called Anxiety is there making this all happen and the only person who can stop it, is ME. This monster has become part of my life and now I have to live with it constantly. #Anxiety #mylife #Anxietythoughts


Coping with my bad thoughts #Depression #Anxietythoughts

These past few days I’ve tried to use my usual coping techniques but things are so far gone none of them are working. Any suggestions to help make the thoughts settle down.
I know I’m thinking irrational yet I feel like I have no control , failed myself . I’m so lost in my scattered thoughts. #AnxietyTips


#Depression #Anxietythoughts My bad day

I run hot or I run cold,. Tears stream down my face, my emotions to strong to hold inside. Overflowing as I go from one thought to the next. Pushing people away or trying to hold on too tight . I’m hyper aware of of everything around me, feeling I must have done something wrong . To tell someone I try to talk to my feelings and them not have anything to say they must look down on me . For me it seems like there is no in between. Always hurting , always assuming the worst , not good enough for anybody. I fear I will lose all good things. #DepressiveEpisodes #AnxietyAttack



This weight is so heavy
I can’t carry it
I drag it now
Behind me
Like all my sins
Like all my worries
Like all my lost dreams
Put them on a shelf
Like all my RXs
No one will ever understand the state I’m in
The night is long the days are thin