I feel unhappy, depressed, feel like crying but there’s just some tears in my eyes not falling out, physically I feel something heavy on my chest, something in my throat, feelling hot on the inside of the body and but cold on the outside due to the fan blowing on me, my stomach is growling, I am not sure if I am hungry, my tongue is in pain because there is an ulcer on it. I have been trying to make new friends online, but I have so many pending messages that I am not replying to them, I worry that they will dislike me for not replying, but I don’t feel well enough to engage in conversations, I don’t want to reveal that I am actually very unhappy, but faking happiness seem such an insincere thing to do, I don’t want to be insincere. I am not very sure why I am in such a state, maybe because things are not going the way I want it to, and I am not willing to accept it. I prepared many things to fill up my time, I prepared movies to watch, novels to read, mobile games to play, colouring to do, word search book to do, songs to listen, but I don’t feel like doing any of those things, I am hiding in my room, lying on my bed, just wishing everything is fine again. I don’t feel like I can do these things, but I know I want to go to work, have my psychiatrist back again, stop feeling hurt and embarrassed by the past, go out with my best friends for dinner and chatting, maybe watch some movies, go out and meet new people with confidence, dress up in nice clothes and simply be happy again. I want to enjoy my life but I can’t do it. I don’t like it that things are out of my control. I don’t like the things that have happened to me. I don’t like that the future seem so dark and scary. I don’t even know if this is depression. I try to google the answer to stop all these pain but they keep telling me to move on, to accept things, to do things. I don’t want to hear those answers, I don’t want to do them. I feel like people will tell me “if I don’t help myself then no one can help me”. I’m so afraid to hear that, I don’t want that to be the truth. I need help, I feel afraid to be left alone to fend for myself, I wish my psychiatrist can help me again, As I am writing this, I am finally crying. But nothing has changed, the problem still exist, I am still helpless.
#Depression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxietyDisorder #dependantpersonalitydisorder #ParanoidPersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #personalitydisorder #Anxietythoughts #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder #ergophobia #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #Autism #PsychoticDisorder #Psychosis