I’m a 19 year old medical student from India, the first time I visited a psychiatrist was when my anatomy teacher had suggested that my behavioral pattern was somewhat odd for an otherwise well-performing undergraduate. Sigmund Freud, someone I stumbled upon a day before my first psychotherapy session with my psychiatrist. I climb up two flights of stairs to finally arrive at the counseling room , my cold sweaty palms , lifeless of late, trembling as I sit on the chair. I start talking to the psychiatrist, 5 more sessions until I was referred to a psychiatrist. > – Benzodiazepenes to replace my mom’s lullaby for me to sleep peacefully, the classic SSRI anti-depressants, an anti-psychotic cause I had mentioned about an auditory hallucination and an anti-#Anxiety drug. 1 week more for my university exams- wonderful. I pass those exams with a decent enough grade for a medical course, enter second year. Another year of drowning inside the ocean- that is the thoughts in my mind, perhaps cerebrospinal fluid is the liquid medium. 3 months pass by ( 2 months of winter) – barely have the energy to get off the bed and witness another sunrise, needless to say- the first semester was bad. Second semester- lost weight ( I’m pretty chubby), I started sleeping for 14 hours only to be waken up by my grandmother screaming at the door cause hey, I am a complete mess right now. Another round of medications, it worked after 2 weeks of taking them everyday- I went to college, topped all the exams, even won the second place in my city in a medical subject. My practical work, however was drifting away. There was no energy for anything now. ATP is now the graveyard of my dead soul. A couple of months forward, stopped the medicines cause of the side effects- almost felt like a walking zombie. As I’m writing this , I have 4 more days for my finals this year but I have to keep reminding myself to put #MentalHealth ahead of everything else.
There’ll be days where your personal hygiene is questionable even to you, the smell of your sweaty armpits might even linger in the air but hey, at least bacteria have a new home now! Your mouth is bone-dry, even the most flavorful of dishes look like a bowl of cemetery broth to you, rainy days are the best, your room is almost always dark, you wouldn’t have gotten outside your room for weeks together, everyone else might seem like they have their things together. But remember, tomorrow when you wake up, The Sun is still going to rise, to invite you into its warm reality, my fellow warrior, what shall we call one who battles scars that only he/she can see, soaking up the cold venous blood as if it’s the aura of death and waiting to arrest the blood from your scars that seems to overflow all the time but no-one can see it. Stay strong , more power to you.
I wrote this portion when I had a severe episode of #MajorDepressiveDisorder
ECHOES
Echoes are now a part of me, they are beautiful I can tell, whether by art or nature I can’t.
First cry, when I stepped into this sorrowful cloud of meaninglessness, ever ebbing and pouring muck over me when it’s full or when I bear its fruits of salvific happiness at random points of time,overall I am a puppet.
Mom’s caresses, her fingers dry and nice on my skin creating circular motions hoping to contain me within a steeple of sanity, but I seem to be slipping out of it always.
Lunch box, lunch made of rotten vegetables , not love but when my box fell on the flagstone and its contents leaked from it , just like my eyes do sometimes, the sound kept ringing in my ears, desperate for the next meal.
My first book, books are written by the loneliest creatures in this universe I discover, picturesque and meaningful, I breathe in the smell of the pages, quite so nostalgic, my fingers turning its pages is stuck within me.
My friend sketching, vibrant colors here and there, a pinch of them in me is all I ask, the black and white is saturating, grey seems to be too far to grasp. The sound of the sketch against the paper seemed like velvet once upon a time, now, a mere hope of getting through another day.
Twisted knees, you pushed me down in the playground, personifying life itself when we were young. More power to you for letting me know that I am strong. The strenght has faded now, so push me now again but this time stick around to help me rise again.
Aeroplanes and skylines, absorbing human emotions day and night, you keep us sane. Th metallic sheen is disturbing, so comfort me with rain.
Rivulet, raindrops assure me that nature cries too, I stand aloof and cry along with it so our tears land in the same place. You make me sleep so comfortably numb. Drop, top, drop, top, sonorific at times.
Success, I tie my lace to signify that I have something under my control, you clap your hands, a bon mot and a spiff, still empty inside.
Love, tender drops of saliva dripping from the side of your mouth, we kiss, I take in you inside me, for a moment I thought I wasn’t lonely, your lips purse and the effortless friction sends a buzz through my body, I ache for it.
Your heartbeat,I listen to it through the chintz and it makes me feel safe but you have a muffled heartbeat, I run away from you.
Moaning, perfect beguiling making me come,acting as goad to keep me in touch with the rhythm created by the movement of our bodies.
Cash on the counter, pieces of paper seeming to add value to my life, I slam them against the counter, greedy eyes wanting the share, leave me alone, you split it among yourselves, give me my peace back.
Biting your teeth, anxiety, my best friend reminding me that he is at my disposal, wearing away your surfaces along with your stress.
Blood bank, crises and destruction, droplets of blood,saving my body, my soul has died already, save my soul too.
Gymnasium, I lift the weights and myself too, bearing responsibility, never letting go, my physical form goes , I am left behind in a melee.
My favorite echo of all them all are the ruminating thoughts that never stopped and the lob of the gunshot to my head, a timeless wound making time pause and the earshot infinite, I see my pain enervate in a millitenth of a second, my ears bleed and I hear no more echoes.