Autonomic Dysfunction

Well… I didn’t think this was going to happen.

I sometimes talk about the grief I have from going no contact from almost everyone from my pastz I had a very wide circle, and unhealthy best friends and toxic family members, surviving dv and homelessness- it just didn’t work that I felt comfortable knowing what I ended up knowing later. Specifically it has been hard to not be an aunt. I went no contact with my sister who was my first abuser. It was while the children were minors. I didn’t know what would happen but my sister was making my cptsd harder to manage after it being triggered by dv. I can feel it in my nervous system when “vibes are off”- someone please tell me this isn’t in my mind because the logical side of me is like- what do you mean???
Anyways very tangential- so my niece got mad at me when I was displaced to Cleveland for an unknown period of time and didn’t tell her. Now at that period of time I was no contact with my sister and really weird contact with other family members, I was still unhoused planning to go back to Dayton- and didn’t want that information passed along. I understood her point and told her that it wasn’t a conversation I could have (or something) and I am so so so sorry. I validated her feelings.
So yesterday I got a message from my niece on IG. She had unfollowed me- I refused to block her. She is still young and hasn’t done anything out of the range of normal for her development and knowledge of the situation. I am so happy! Although I was very sad that she grew tired of my sister’s abuse. I am not sure she knows that’s what it is yet. She moved out and lives with her boyfriend. She is over 2 hours away and I remember that liberty when I moved further from reach of my family. She told me she is “no contact” with everyone but my mom and my mom’s husband. I don’t know what she had heard about me, or what she believes about me. My sister’s abuse became worse when I became disabled even though we live hundred of miles apart and never asked her for anything.
I am worried about my niece though. She seems lonely. I hope when she starts working she gets some social time. I’m trying not to be the overexcited aunt who fell out of the family- but here I am.
#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome

I’ve come to the realization that I’m going to need to up my therapy sessions from bi weekly to weekly. My insurance with cover it thankfully .

I started therapy to work on healing my inner child that needless to say wasn’t great time for me . That of what I remember. Mind you I can’t remember earlier than 15 and even what I remember from 15 to current is splotchy at best. Lots of blacked out moments . I see it in photos don’t recall it etc etc .

Then when I get there lately my current life I am living is becoming of subject. To be honest I think I’ve talked more about the gray hairs a 16 almost 17 year old step daughter is giving me and the household .

I’m not even sure what I’m working on at this point besides decompressing .

Trying to pull myself out of this stagnet rut I’m in . There’s no order .

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #MixedConnectiveTissueDiseaseMCTD #ADHD #RaynaudsPhenomenon #AutonomicDysfunction #POTS #Depression #RheumatoidArthritis

I am having a hard time tonight.

My bf just started a new job recently and now I am trying to adjust to a new schedule.

To catch anyone up: I was unhoused for a couple of years and my complex ptsd got really bad. I have had severe panic attacks since then. I also had to move cities across the state and no longer access my “safe places” and my circle of friends. And after all of this I am having new symptoms pop up so I am having mobility issues. This is all being addressed in therapy- so I’m just venting. 😂 which coming back up to this- it did help.

I do a lot of things- I volunteer, attend groups and therapy, I am working on renewing my school psychologist license, I paint, I advocate, I am a heavy hobb-iest (lol I dabble in a lot of things)- I keep myself busy enough while still having space and time to process things. The problem is with these “extra symptoms” -the ones I have now because of the extra trauma of being unhoused- I have a hard time being at home. (I’m working on it in therapy!!) I didn’t have these in the evening- when my anxiety ramps back up- by myself because these came from being unhoused. I also live in a “new” city that’s across the state from my old city. I am working on building my social circle but with my symptoms it is challenging. I also am working my way with some new diagnoses and figuring out supports I need for accessibility- which kind of factors into the panic of going places. I’m aware of all of the parts of it- unfortunately 😵‍💫 it’s just that the logic doesn’t work for the panic. I wish it did though. 😂 that would be really nice.

Anyways- the whole point of this is I have a hard time coping with change and unstructured time. I know what my therapists keep telling me- I am doing all the right things and it’s just about coping through it. But that really sucks sometimes 🫠🙃I probably should write some affirmations or something.

#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ADHD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #CheckInWithMe

March 6th, 2008 was my first night back in Texas. I wasn’t home for spring break to rest—I came back to see a doctor about my spine. My spinal fusion had failed, and I was in so much pain I could barely function. Though my parents hadn’t fully believed I was sick, they had become increasingly worried after months of phone calls filled with desperation and tears. I was barely hanging on, physically or emotionally.

And then, while I was facing my own unraveling health, I got the call.

My roommate told me that our friend Scott had overdosed. Prescription pills—his usual escape—had taken him too far. He was unconscious, not breathing, and in that moment, I felt entirely helpless. I told my roommate to start CPR and call 911, but inside, I was collapsing. Scott was one of my best friends. My cheerleader. My light in a dark time.

Just hours later, I was in a doctor’s office being told that my surgery had failed. I was labeled a medical anomaly. They said they could manage my pain, and handed me a prescription—for the exact type of drugs that had just taken Scott’s life.

I stared at the paper, horrified. If Scott—strong, bright, and full of love—could fall into the trap of pills, what would stop me from doing the same? This was the first time I looked a doctor in the eye and thought, No. I didn’t know what my options were. I just knew I couldn’t follow that path.

Scott’s death shattered me, but it also woke something in me. I could no longer accept a life numbed by medications and shadowed by despair. His passing was the beginning of a lifelong quest—a promise to myself that I would find a better way to live. Even if I didn’t know how yet.

If you’ve ever felt like there’s no way out, I promise: there is. You just haven’t seen all the doors yet. #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #AutonomicDysfunction

Hi friends!
I really need some sort of remote job to afford, ya know, general living costs and trying to be a healthy human being. I’ve tried to get reliable remote positions but I can’t find anything other than freelance work.

I have experience with marketing and AI, but I don’t have a ton of experience. If anyone has any recommendations, that would be amazing!!!

#chronicsyncope #MastCellActivationDisorder #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #AutonomicDysfunction #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #RheumatoidArthritis #BrainInjury

Mentally checked out.
Hardly keeping up.
Running myself into the ground day in day out.
These last two years have been tough.
Trying not being on autopilot all the time .
Not feeling like I’m living, just going through the motions .
Am I happy ? Am I not ?
#MixedConnectiveTissueDiseaseMCTD #MentalHealth #RaynaudsPhenomenon #RheumatoidArthritis #AutonomicDysfunction