Bipolar 2 Disorder

Been awhile since I’ve posted on here. But anyone else just feel lonely sometimes? I was having game night with some very old friends. I felt off when I got there but thought just had too much coffee. My friend introduced one of her friends who now I realize is her boyfriend at least I’m pretty sure. I was thinking about asking for his number before I figured this out. I don’t connect with people often and are vibes were good. I was feeling so anxious the whole night then I realized that my friend and the new friend are more than likely dating. I struggle with bipolar 2 anxiety disorder panic disorder and have complex PTSD. (Complex PTSD is not recognized in the US as a real mental health problem but it is in the UK but my doctor said that’s probably what I have) on top of that my mother who was and is emotionally abusive and a narcissist and her narcissistic boyfriend are two hours away and I am alone with my brother who is on the spectrum. (For context he’s high functioning and can take care of himself but can’t drive.) I don’t know anyone who would want to put up with an almost 26 year old who still lives in her childhood home with bad credit. No life and not even close to getting a place of her own. It makes me feel lonely and angry and sad and everything inbetween. I’m not sure what triggered this rant but thanks for reading

What’s it called when
It constantly feels like there’s something squeezing your heart so tight it gets hard to breathe.
Constantly feels like there’s absolutely nothing in your brain, it just wants to leak liquid from your eyes.
What do you call that?

Continuously feels like you’re on the outside of your brain, looking at the mouth automatically speaking for itself;
Constantly feels like little you wants to reach out, give a hug, say a nice thing, be helpful.
But doesn’t.
What do you call that?

Constantly feels like you want to punch something, anything, and scream so loud until your throat feels dry and scratchy.

Constantly feels like your heart is at war with itself, like your brain is sucked up and withered trying to survive.
Heart constantly sinking, down, down, down, til it doesn’t feel.
Brain constantly trying to have a thought, trying to find words, trying to find water so it isn’t sucked dry anymore, so it’s not just watching lips move, barely hearing the words come out of it. So automatic it sounds right.
But what do you call that?

What do you call the constant fog surrounding your brain, the constant darkness surrounding your heart, the numbness in your body while it feels everything; just wanting to feel the stinging pain that comes from a punch, a blade, or screaming cries.
What do you call that?
When the only consistency in your life comes from how much you don’t want to be in it?
When it’s constantly fighting the demons you thought were dead, over and over again.
Back down the rabbit hole. The hole you thought you buried long ago.
The black demon you thought got buried with all those pills.
The red demon that was supposedly tamed, with all those meds.
They’re back.
And I don’t know what to call them anymore.
I don’t know how to feel.
I don’t know how to explain.
Just sinking, down, the dark, deep, black hole.
What do you call that

#Trauma #Depression #Dissociation #Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #MightyPoets #BipolarDisorder #Grief #PTSD

What’s it called when
It constantly feels like there’s something squeezing your heart so tight it gets hard to breathe.
Constantly feels like there’s absolutely nothing in your brain, it just wants to leak liquid from your eyes.
What do you call that?

Continuously feels like you’re on the outside of your brain, looking at the mouth automatically speaking for itself;
Constantly feels like little you wants to reach out, give a hug, say a nice thing, be helpful.
But doesn’t.
What do you call that?

Constantly feels like you want to punch something, anything, and scream so loud until your throat feels dry and scratchy.

Constantly feels like your heart is at war with itself, like your brain is sucked up and withered trying to survive.
Heart constantly sinking, down, down, down, til it doesn’t feel.
Brain constantly trying to have a thought, trying to find words, trying to find water so it isn’t sucked dry anymore, so it’s not just watching lips move, barely hearing the words come out of it. So automatic it sounds right.
But what do you call that?

What do you call the constant fog surrounding your brain, the constant darkness surrounding your heart, the numbness in your body while it feels everything; just wanting to feel the stinging pain that comes from a punch, a blade, or screaming cries.
What do you call that?
When the only consistency in your life comes from how much you don’t want to be in it?
When it’s constantly fighting the demons you thought were dead, over and over again.
Back down the rabbit hole. The hole you thought you buried long ago.
The black demon you thought got buried with all those pills.
The red demon that was supposedly tamed, with all those meds.
They’re back.
And I don’t know what to call them anymore.
I don’t know how to feel.
I don’t know how to explain.
Just sinking, down, the dark, deep, black hole.
What do you call that

#Trauma #Depression #Dissociation #Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #MightyPoets #BipolarDisorder #Grief #PTSD

I’m in a rough patch.

My mind truly is my own worst enemy and I have seeming lost the ability to avoid my triggers. I relapsed this week. When they teach you about self harm, the really should mention that it never goes away. The urges never go away. Things get better, but the thought is always, always there.

I asked for help today. I asked my kids to help me. I can’t bring this to my mother. She’s got enough on her plate without having to worry about me.

To anyone that actually reads this…

I have a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. I know what I need to do. But I can’t. I need to work so I don’t loose my place to live. But I am taking the necessary steps. #BadDay #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #Anxiety

I’m in a rough patch.

My mind truly is my own worst enemy and I have seeming lost the ability to avoid my triggers. I relapsed this week. When they teach you about self harm, the really should mention that it never goes away. The urges never go away. Things get better, but the thought is always, always there.

I asked for help today. I asked my kids to help me. I can’t bring this to my mother. She’s got enough on her plate without having to worry about me.

To anyone that actually reads this…

I have a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. I know what I need to do. But I can’t. I need to work so I don’t loose my place to live. But I am taking the necessary steps. #BadDay #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #Anxiety