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Resentment Towards Men and Closure

Yesterday at my therapy session, I have discussed with my therapist my resentment towards men. Now I have to work through my resentment towards men at this point. I go from loving them to having a lot of hatred for men. Why? I've had many of bad experiences with them. The root? Being abandoned by my father, other men, and it continues from there. What has bothered me the most was that I was looking for some form of closure in a form of accountability . Somebody to acknowledge that they had done things that were not right . I knew that I knew that I was not going to get the closure that I needed, and even if I did get it, I don't think it would ever be enough because of the time that had passed. one of the things that he brought up to me was that at some point I would get to a space where I will no longer need closure from somebody who won't give it to me. That in itself gave me permission to move forward and also I felt that I kind of needed that to give me an extra push to do just that... to move forward. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #closure #resentment

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Closure is Weird

I only say that because closure is something that many people want, few get it, and others are denied it. I got to a point one day, where I was thinking about my situation with someone I've known for a couple of years and they left me without warning. I've been angry, I've felt hurt, but as much as I wanted and even imagined conversations with them, I no longer wanting closure from them. I still care about them, but I no longer feel a need to say anything to them. I let them in in the first place because I wanted them to be apart of my life. I like them, but I don't need them. I thought it was best that I left them alone. If they talk to me again, fine. If they never speak to me again, that's fine too. I can't negate the fact that they played a part in my journey. They caused me more heartache than anything, but it lead to me having a clearer vision of why I do certain things and feel certain things. I know what I've got, he just doesn't see it. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Relationships #closure

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#closure

I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling. Frustrated, upset, lonely abandoned...I had this really good friend that since moving to a different shif has stopped talking to me all together, including responding to email. It feels like they took a hug part of me with them since I don’t have a lot of friends. Should I try emailing them one last time? #GettingHelp #aloneinthedark #Anxiety #Sadness #lost

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Finally some closure. Good right?

My recent ex of two months, the one who dropped me off at home and completely ghosted me. Left me, blocked me on literally everything. But on Thursday, April 30th, 2020 I got my closure finally! I deserved answers and I was determined to get them. On thing he hadn’t blocked me on was the xbox app. I asked him “Why did you break up with me? And not tell me why.” He responded “Because Kaitlyn you made me feel like I wasn’t doing good enough and not giving you enough attention.” I told him “Really? That’s why?”, I didn’t deserve for it to end like this.” He goes on to say that he didn’t want to end it but look where we are. I made sure that he knew that this was all his choice and I apparently had no say in it. I also reminded him that he promised me that he wouldn’t of done this, but he did it anyway. He then goes on to tell me how I don’t want to change either. His exact words were, “You don’t want to get a job or a license, hell I could barely get you to go into a store.” But he is 💯% wrong!! I do want to get a job and to also get my driver’s license but it’s kinda hard because of this whole pandemic thing. Am I right? And with the whole he could “barely” get me into a store, you give a person with anxiety and you put them in an anxiety provoking atmosphere of course their not going to want to go. Or even in a place where the person isn’t the most familiar with and especially in a Walmart with restrictions regarding the pandemic (100 people in store at a time), standing in line (which I have no issues with). The only issue I have is trying to explain to someone why you don’t want to do something or don’t want to go into a place, etc. Its difficult and when I did with him I cried because he didn’t understand it, clearly 🙄. But, now that I am home I’ve gone into plenty of stores, stood in lines, all while wearing my mask of course. I made it clear to him that I felt emotionally abused by him and that I didn’t understand why he had to go about this the way he did, blocking me and all. But you wanna know his response...”Go ahead and play victim.” Like really. I responded back to him this “There’s no victim I’m playing a hurt human being who didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Just like there’s no real man here.” And left it at that. Man was I hurt and still am but at least I have stopped crying. So nows the time to let the healing begin! ✨💙✨ #Breakups #Greiving #movingon #closure #hisloss #ideservebetter

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Closure is a scam...Just move on.

In a world of niceties and political correctness the thought that closure may not always be possible seems to be the equilivant of blasphemy and calling someone’s baby ugly. We are a society that wants to believe that every story has a “happily ever after” ending and certainly good always wins over evil. I hate to tell you folks but thats just not the case. Sometimes the evil is very evil and more often that not it goes unpunished… at least here on this earth. In my 45 years of existence I seem to be learning life lessons daily. One of the big lessons is that closure is a scam. I know this goes against the grain of normal thinking but sometimes you need to burn that bridge if for no other reason than to be sure there is not a trace of connection left. After all bridges are to connect and the last thing you want is to have the crazies following you on your journey to peace. I know this seems harsh and maybe even a little comical but this is where life lesson number 2 comes in.

Life lesson #2 – Protect your mental and emotional sanity above the desire to be a peacekeeper. If you have flown recently you are likely familiar with the pre-takeoff safety drill that instructs passengers that in the event of an emergency, place your own oxygen mask over your face before attempting to assist the person next to you. There is a reason for that my friend…. if your mental, emotional and spiritual self is not in a place of wholeness and health you will not be equipped to help someone else heal. This wounded environment is not conducive to any type of closure. Often when seeking closure with another party we are really seeking the ending that makes us feel better. We want everyone in agreement and we all go on to live happily ever after. This ushers in life lesson #3 ….

Life lesson #3 – The truth doesn’t matter to those that don’t care. If living a life of morality and truth is not a priority it goes without saying that when confronted with the truth it will have no impact. Sometimes the other party doesn’t want closure…. sometimes they are so narcissistic and self consumed that they can’t see past themselves and their desire to be “right”. Sometimes people are so encompassed by evil that they find pleasure in the emotional torment of others. Those that want to be part of your life will find the time, they will bring value to your life and they will make you a stronger and better version of yourself. Don’t settle for a life of community with people that cause you pain, insecurity or hurt. Life is hard but life is also exquisitely beautiful. Every day given to us is as a precious gift full of experiences and opportunities. If you study the small print you will see that life has an expiration date. Don’t waste your gift of time on people that wont fight for you in public and defend you in your absence. Don’t chase the people that haven’t chased you. Surround yourself with people that speak life and pour into you…. You will never regret this decision. #Depression #Anxiety #LifeLessons #NarcissisticAbuse #closure #FamilyAndFriends #Relationships #MentalHealth #MentalHealth

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The hardest thing about healing from my emotional abuse

I thought the hardest thing would be learning to separate my real self from the version of myself born out of abusive words and tones.
I thought maybe learning when to walk away would be the hardest. I thought maybe living under the same roof full time would be the hardest.
But I never considered that the hardest thing could be something as “simple” as letting go.
It isn’t simple, is it?
No. It’s so complex and tangled and hard.
I’ve learned how to recognize the cycle of abuse and I make damn sure that I take responsibility for my mistakes, and my accidental harsh tones, and my words said in anger.
It is too much to ask that the same be given to me?
Is it too much to want to be heard?
If you would just listen, I would tell why we are broken.

Every time I get triggered, I feel like a 7 year old again, and even though I have told you, you will never understand, because you will never want to.
The hardest thing about healing has been having to accept that what happened was wrong. How I was treated and spoken to was wrong. And even though I deserve that apology, and I deserve closure, I will never get it.
Everyone sees a parent and child that are happy together. And I think that even you see that most of the time. I want to to see that too, I do.
But I don’t know if I am ever going to be okay with the idea of you never taking responsibility for what you did to me.
How am I supposed to let go of something that I will never get closure for?
#EmotionalAbuse #closure #PTSD #abusivebehavior #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse

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#MightyPoets

Having enough is never enough
But I know it is
Yet I need the touch
I need the words
I need to feel
I just want to heal
Yet there is nothing too broken
Nothing needs to be fixed
Surely there is
To be enclosed in arms
That is home
That is safe
Flailing without
A constant chase
Having enough can be enough
It never is

#Anxiety #needs #people  #closure