!!!! Trigger warning !!!! Self harm !!!!
Got drunk, eight big 60mls, two joints and a blunt later, my thumb's muscle memory dialled him up. Remembering your ex's number is a tough thing. He came over to talk. Told me about everything he did! What he hid from, what he was feeling, why he pushed me all over again, his family issues..... his self harm and suicide ideation. And that he's getting help and is two sessions down. A lot more of those for him to go. He kept apologising, kept asking me to be mad at him. I already forgive him. Maybe I'm just too understanding (People pleaser tendencies? Savior complex?)
He told me around the lines of "I'm not healthy for you. And i don't want to hurt you again. So i left, pushed you away and didn't contact you."
Is it wrong for me to contact him? Have hopes? I care about him but i don't love him. Every time he told me he still loves me, i would cry out of guilt because i can't reciprocate his feelings. Why is it that every time i finally start get better he starts to get worse? And when he's getting better taking help, and steps I'm already gone, boundaries concrete thick.
I went over to his place so we could talk more. I opened the door to broken wine glasses with dried blood on a few shards. Puke on the side of his bed, cut up beer cans and bottles of wine. He cut himself. On his thighs and stomach, they did not seem deep enough to have caused too much blood loss, but still!
I still care about him. Could this be my savior complex? Because i don't love him the way i used to. But at the back of my head i have hope, not for us to get together, but for his recovery. He hasn't told anyone when or whom he's going to for therapy. I suggested to go with him, so it can maybe speed it up? Ik they call the clients family, friends etc to get a better understanding. I'm all up for it!
But i don't want to get together with him. I need to put myself first. But will time-limited-text-only be okay? Will it give him the wrong idea? What if he puts his entire direction to healing and growing enough so he doesn't hurt me. But will contact during this process hurt him? When he clearly has feeling for me. But i don't..... Not romantically at least.
Guide me Mighty! PLEASE!
#Relationships #relationshipanxiety #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #GettingHelp #Loneliness #Anxiousattachment