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1st year without daddy on Mother’s Day

I still can’t believe that he is actually gone for I don’t leave my house unless I really need to… then today comes along and I didn’t get my phone call and it hits me all over again… my 13 year old daughter is taking it very bad and it’s such a bad age to be dealing with greif… I’m just lost without him #chronic depressive #Bipolar #Greiving #Brokenhearted


The Holidays are Hard

I lost my cousin two weeks before Christmas two years ago and the holidays are still a rough time for me.

Seeing all the decorations and having everyone else having a good time around me makes her not being here even harder. I think this year it’s hitting me harder but I don’t know why.

I kinda wish there were safe spaces for those of us who find the holidays difficult to hide from it all.

I don’t want to ruin it for everyone else, but I feel so miserable that I’m afraid I might infect the happy people.

So, I hide it. Pretend like it doesn’t bother me. Last year, my therapist told me to put my boyfriend in charge of Christmas since I didn’t feel like celebrating. I guess it was a good idea in theory, but honestly, it makes it worse because I see how excited he is about it, and I just have to smile and go along with it so I don’t ruin it.

Anyone else having a blue Christmas? #Greiving #Depression #Anxiety


Just thinking about #Depression

Just been wondering today if depression is some form of grief.

Does it stem from the loss of someone or something, or is it the grief of something or someone you will never have. My family have recently suffered a bereavement and because I am outside looking in, and have a long history of depression, it's just got me thinking a few things.

I know from experience that death can lead to grieving and in turn melt into depression. I also know from a childhood trauma I feel I grieve for what 'should' have been. So what if its possible something in life has impacted you to a point that you are depressed (grief stricken) because of that loss, whatever it may be? Could it then be that depression is some sort of process like the 5/6 stages of loss?

Does this mean anything to anyone or is it just verbal diarrhea on my part? #Depression #Grief #Loss #Longing #Lonliness #lostlife #Greiving


Unhappy Vibes #Greiving #sleeplessness #anger #cry #selfhatred

I’ve got no one to talk to about this(Sorry Internet). I normally don’t sleep as it is so I’m just dead tired all the time. Unfortunately, on top of this I’m treating my family horribly. My patients are thin with them and I’ve never pleasant to be around. I leave basically every day in tears and continue the crying into the night of how I acted. They don’t want to hear my problems and they shouldn’t have too. I’m an adult. But, my hate for myself is growing stronger. Yes, I am over weight and know what steps I need to do to change it. I’m slowly getting to that point of change BUT it’s getting to where I don’t want to have meals with family or friends. I don’t want to leave the house. I look awful and it’s getting worse. Clothing is causing me great stress. Once the world opens up again I don’t know what I’m going to do.

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Finally some closure. Good right?

My recent ex of two months, the one who dropped me off at home and completely ghosted me. Left me, blocked me on literally everything. But on Thursday, April 30th, 2020 I got my closure finally! I deserved answers and I was determined to get them. On thing he hadn’t blocked me on was the xbox app. I asked him “Why did you break up with me? And not tell me why.” He responded “Because Kaitlyn you made me feel like I wasn’t doing good enough and not giving you enough attention.” I told him “Really? That’s why?”, I didn’t deserve for it to end like this.” He goes on to say that he didn’t want to end it but look where we are. I made sure that he knew that this was all his choice and I apparently had no say in it. I also reminded him that he promised me that he wouldn’t of done this, but he did it anyway. He then goes on to tell me how I don’t want to change either. His exact words were, “You don’t want to get a job or a license, hell I could barely get you to go into a store.” But he is 💯% wrong!! I do want to get a job and to also get my driver’s license but it’s kinda hard because of this whole pandemic thing. Am I right? And with the whole he could “barely” get me into a store, you give a person with anxiety and you put them in an anxiety provoking atmosphere of course their not going to want to go. Or even in a place where the person isn’t the most familiar with and especially in a Walmart with restrictions regarding the pandemic (100 people in store at a time), standing in line (which I have no issues with). The only issue I have is trying to explain to someone why you don’t want to do something or don’t want to go into a place, etc. Its difficult and when I did with him I cried because he didn’t understand it, clearly 🙄. But, now that I am home I’ve gone into plenty of stores, stood in lines, all while wearing my mask of course. I made it clear to him that I felt emotionally abused by him and that I didn’t understand why he had to go about this the way he did, blocking me and all. But you wanna know his response...”Go ahead and play victim.” Like really. I responded back to him this “There’s no victim I’m playing a hurt human being who didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Just like there’s no real man here.” And left it at that. Man was I hurt and still am but at least I have stopped crying. So nows the time to let the healing begin! ✨💙✨ #Breakups #Greiving #movingon #closure #hisloss #ideservebetter



Note from author:
My publisher has asked me to write a story behind each of my poems and I usually don’t do that but I decided to choose a handful of them and go ahead and write the story behind the poem.
I wrote Farwell for my mother who had fought a long difficult battle with lung cancer and near the end she was put on Hospice care and eventually slipped into a coma yet she was still holding on to life.
The hospice nurse said that often times a patient will hold on longer than they should because they were worried about leaving their loved ones behind. She advised us in order to help mother passover we should each take a turn alone with her and say our goodbyes and ensure mother in our own words that it was okay for her to go ahead and let go and pass over.
I told mother that she did a wonderful job mothering and teaching me and that even though I would love to have her around for many more years I knew she was in pain and I knew that she was ready to go see her Lord so she should not worry about me because she had done a wonderful job preparing me for life and I would be just fine.


Go on down now
Your eyes can not see
Go on down now
Go down deep

Lay down your dry bones
Now enter that sleep
Go on down now
Go down deep

Go on down now
Leave the rest to me
Go on down my love
Go down deep.

Dianne Lowe Breakfield
Published by Dreaming Big Publications in an anthology titled Person Suit

#MightyPoets #MightyPoets #mightypoems #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #greif #Greiving #Death #Bipolar2Disorder #Bipolar1Disorder #mentalillnesses


Feeling #hopeless

Everything is just going downhill. Physical illness deteriorating and I feel so incredibly hopeless. Fear of abandonment from #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder and general heightened emotions sent me into a depressive episode.
I guess I just need some place to vent without being a burden to those around me. I'm so incredibly useless.
#Depression #CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #ChronicIllness #DepressiveDisorders #MentalHealth #Disability #Greiving #EmotionalRegulationDisorder

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One Day At A Time.. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #grievingasabpd #Greiving #MentalHealth #SiblingLoss

It’s been almost a month since the traumatic passing of my older brother from an overdose and was as close to dead in his room when we found him. He was only 21 and just got out of jail in May to move in with us to start a new life in Arizona...Almost every single person in my family has mental health issues including myself which was diagnosed with BPD in March and developed PTSD from the incident. Anyways it’s hard grieving for me since my emotions are very hard to be aware of and deal with. Just reaching out to anyone to see if they have the same issues and tips to deal with grief.

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A Sketch for You

Through tearful eyes
I pour my heart out
Onto this page
Your Happy Smile
Your glistening eyes
I know you see this
From far beyond
A dreamland of imagination
Up top in the clouds
Your glee to see
That fig tree
Markers and paper
Inside my art desk
I miss you greatly
Color in this sketch for me
A flying dragonfish
Flowing between the squirrel’s paws
Depression erased in ink lines
You are now set free

#Depression #Anxiety  #Greiving



I've lost so many people in my life that I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the next one to be gone. I can't get out of bed, or make myself not think about it most of the day. #isolated