Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

So you go around,hoarding, stalking, blackmailing and collecting other peoples past relationships and experiences, in order to manipulate people? You become friends with their past relationships? You direct and manipulate through gathering personal information as leverage? Because your life is that lame? Why? Are you retired or bored? Does your wife actually believe you're saving women and their husbands by friending them? Your pet projects, your orphans, your kids you say you https://save.You do see how desperate this looks? You friended my ex's, just like other's, just like your xwife and current https://wife.Thats messed up ten times more than I ever imagined and they are sad for falling for https://it.She could have a good reason to believe you, but Im sure she's figured you out, she can't be that, dumb or is she? She couldn't find someone else to keep you busy? She had to help you, to embarrass me because she is weak and an enabler?I don't care about her reputation. You did not care for mine and I, owe you nothing. Does she not understand who you really are? Or, is she, just as aweful?A low lying yes girl, who believes you're the catch? Thought https://so.Anyone playing cos play woman, to play another women, is a yes girl, a follower and a weak girl, not strong a https://women.A mean girl, a follower not a https://leader.I can't stand fakes and followers, especially granola wannabe nature brands, who are market level dime a dozen.Yes, I said https://it.Dime a https://dozen.They are a carbon copy of the next yoga guru, saving women one stretch of the imagination at a https://time.Cant market whats a copy! I get it.
I don't care for mean girls disguised as mothers,allies and friends, stretching the truth to fit their strange sense of desperation to get their husband https://off.He needs help, you need help and your daughters, probley need therapy the most.
Get a new hobby. Im not it.

So you go around,hoarding, stalking, blackmailing and collecting other peoples past relationships and experiences, in order to manipulate people? You become friends with their past relationships? You direct and manipulate through gathering personal information as leverage? Because your life is that lame? Why? Are you retired or bored? Does your wife actually believe you're saving women and their husbands by friending them? Your pet projects, your orphans, your kids you say you https://save.You do see how desperate this looks? You friended my ex's, just like other's, just like your xwife and current https://wife.Thats messed up ten times more than I ever imagined and they are sad for falling for https://it.She could have a good reason to believe you, but Im sure she's figured you out, she can't be that, dumb or is she? She couldn't find someone else to keep you busy? She had to help you, to embarrass me because she is weak and an enabler?I don't care about her reputation. You did not care for mine and I, owe you nothing. Does she not understand who you really are? Or, is she, just as aweful?A low lying yes girl, who believes you're the catch? Thought https://so.Anyone playing cos play woman, to play another women, is a yes girl, a follower and a weak girl, not strong a https://women.A mean girl, a follower not a https://leader.I can't stand fakes and followers, especially granola wannabe nature brands, who are market level dime a dozen.Yes, I said https://it.Dime a https://dozen.They are a carbon copy of the next yoga guru, saving women one stretch of the imagination at a https://time.Cant market whats a copy! I get it.
I don't care for mean girls disguised as mothers,allies and friends, stretching the truth to fit their strange sense of desperation to get their husband https://off.He needs help, you need help and your daughters, probley need therapy the most.
Get a new hobby. Im not it.

My body doesn't absorb medications properly so I no longer am a walking pharmacy.I am to the point of wanting to numb all of it now.Mentally, Im saying.There are two meds that cross my blood barrier and clock me out, completely.This last three days, hurt me, physically, from seeing the truth,again.My face looks like a peel went wrong, my chest is hot,heart hurts and now Im having nightmares again.so that one medication is the thing that will erase this past three years and what they've,people not meds, have done to me.
I have zero, value, to them, because I need communication and affection.All it comes down to.I had expectations and I am too emotional.To paint a picture to all, that I wasn't sick, that I, am ungrateful, is the biggest lie, and hurtful, more than they will ever understand and honestly, now, I do not believe any of them, are capable of grasping that. What has been done is wrong.in no comparison, to any private matter.it was wrong.Any one involved, should have to answer, as I have, had to endure, so shall others.And that isn't within my control, thats their delusion, not mine.I own my desperation.Others use people to fight their own battles and then cry victim.im ashamed for them.A woman, deserves to be treated with care and respect.
Not with your ego and your boy gang tactics to intimidate or ruin her reputation, for sport, because she tells the truth.
Now, Im ready to get medicated to forget what their version of support and care means.Strangers would give more compassion and care.But if Im dosed and numb, they can keep being them and I wont feel a thing.Just like 1960s, how they'd like it.Look at that, Karen, Im vintage afterall, just like you.
They will be happy, free of guilt and say Im, crazy still, but medicated and dedicated.That way, nothing needs to be informed, run by me or involved.I will have zero expectations and zero interest. No different than before. But then it also means, my own care, will, need care.
And I can't trust them, to do that.So, I just made my decision.Its sad that All the women, in my husband's life, never tried to help me.They never called me, stopped or questioned about long term care.I guess because they were told it wasn't needed. They can experience the same now.I am not wrong for concerning myself with the things in my world, for wanting a say, for expecting improvement. It's called growth and as long as I stay here, it's never going to happen.I feel less trust, faith and hope now, than ever before.And thats the truth.I am punished for telling the truth, always have been.That makes me an arshole and I am alone because of it.I would do anything to be a room, with all of them and Him, to listen, absorb and take, all their insults, accusations and mockery, all for him.I would love to hear his version of our life.I can guarantee, it is the furthest from the truth.I "served" this man for half my adult life, by choice.Let him, anything.so yes, Im mad, regretting all now and no longer need to be purposely pushed out.im out.Hard meds or truth, those are, the options now.Since none of His, most loyal will have principles and the women in his life, have no self respect, I have to pay with the denial, they've created.But he's upset about the $$ and ego.Not my heath, my heart or mind.He never should have gotten married then and thats the sad fact.But we don't deal in facts.All smoke and mirrors here.

My body doesn't absorb medications properly so I no longer am a walking pharmacy.I am to the point of wanting to numb all of it now.Mentally, Im saying.There are two meds that cross my blood barrier and clock me out, completely.This last three days, hurt me, physically, from seeing the truth,again.My face looks like a peel went wrong, my chest is hot,heart hurts and now Im having nightmares again.so that one medication is the thing that will erase this past three years and what they've,people not meds, have done to me.
I have zero, value, to them, because I need communication and affection.All it comes down to.I had expectations and I am too emotional.To paint a picture to all, that I wasn't sick, that I, am ungrateful, is the biggest lie, and hurtful, more than they will ever understand and honestly, now, I do not believe any of them, are capable of grasping that. What has been done is wrong.in no comparison, to any private matter.it was wrong.Any one involved, should have to answer, as I have, had to endure, so shall others.And that isn't within my control, thats their delusion, not mine.I own my desperation.Others use people to fight their own battles and then cry victim.im ashamed for them.A woman, deserves to be treated with care and respect.
Not with your ego and your boy gang tactics to intimidate or ruin her reputation, for sport, because she tells the truth.
Now, Im ready to get medicated to forget what their version of support and care means.Strangers would give more compassion and care.But if Im dosed and numb, they can keep being them and I wont feel a thing.Just like 1960s, how they'd like it.Look at that, Karen, Im vintage afterall, just like you.
They will be happy, free of guilt and say Im, crazy still, but medicated and dedicated.That way, nothing needs to be informed, run by me or involved.I will have zero expectations and zero interest. No different than before. But then it also means, my own care, will, need care.
And I can't trust them, to do that.So, I just made my decision.Its sad that All the women, in my husband's life, never tried to help me.They never called me, stopped or questioned about long term care.I guess because they were told it wasn't needed. They can experience the same now.I am not wrong for concerning myself with the things in my world, for wanting a say, for expecting improvement. It's called growth and as long as I stay here, it's never going to happen.I feel less trust, faith and hope now, than ever before.And thats the truth.I am punished for telling the truth, always have been.That makes me an arshole and I am alone because of it.I would do anything to be a room, with all of them and Him, to listen, absorb and take, all their insults, accusations and mockery, all for him.I would love to hear his version of our life.I can guarantee, it is the furthest from the truth.I "served" this man for half my adult life, by choice.Let him, anything.so yes, Im mad, regretting all now and no longer need to be purposely pushed out.im out.Hard meds or truth, those are, the options now.Since none of His, most loyal will have principles and the women in his life, have no self respect, I have to pay with the denial, they've created.But he's upset about the $$ and ego.Not my heath, my heart or mind.He never should have gotten married then and thats the sad fact.But we don't deal in facts.All smoke and mirrors here.

I have felt double triggered for the last few days and my mind/body is in spin mode.
I recently realized that my narcissistic mother never loved me. It wasn’t a surprise. Looking back, everything makes sense.

I’m in my 60’s and she died about 5 years ago at age 91. I tried to cut contact a couple of years prior but I never could fully do it. She was very sharp, no sign of Alzheimer’s, nor did she have any real physical issues other than not being able to hear well, so she didn’t need care. But she often faked issues for attention.

The last time I went to attend to her, she actually was sick. I took her to the hospital. She was there for a couple of days getting hydrated, then stayed with my younger brother for her last 2 weeks. Literally up to a couple of days before she died, she was still trying to manipulate me.

Anyway, I started to heal after that. Like I said, I have only recently had the full realization that she never loved me. Even though I mentally understand, I am still triggered and my body is in anxiety mode.

My second trigger is way more intense for me. It’s everything going on in the Epstein files and what was done to the children. I will not go into that further out of caution to not trigger anyone else. Suffice it to say that my mind is constantly racing, my body is activated and I am having a really hard time.

I can’t read (which I normally love), can’t do anything right now. My system is just all out of wack and literally trembling off and on.
I have set up an appt with my therapist but it isn’t until March 6.

I am posting here because I know it’s a safe space and just needed to share with kind people. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate you all.