Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I found this on Facebook.
(Written by TheSelf)

For years, I thought the problem was that I wasn’t explaining myself well enough.

So I explained more.

I chose my words more carefully. I softened my tone. I replayed conversations in my head before I had them. I apologised for intentions I never had. I took responsibility for reactions I didn’t create.

Because every time I said something that made you uncomfortable, you told me what I “actually” meant.

You weren’t hurt because of what I said.
You were hurt because of what you decided I meant.
And somehow, that became my responsibility.

If I disagreed, you argued.
If I defended myself, you called me defensive.
If I stayed calm, you said I was cold.
If I cried, I was too emotional.

There was no version of the conversation where I was allowed to own my own words.

You owned them.
You translated them.
You rewrote them.
Then you reacted to your own version, while expecting me to apologise for it.

When I didn’t, the punishment came.

The silence.
The slammed doors.
The sighs.
The eye rolls.
The dishes thrown around the kitchen.

The tension that swallowed the whole house.

And eventually, I learnt the lesson you were teaching me.

Don’t trust yourself.

Trust my interpretation of you.

That’s what hurts the most when I look back.
Not that you misunderstood me.
That you taught me to misunderstand myself.

Now something has changed.
I hear you tell me what I “really mean,” and I don’t automatically believe you anymore.
I notice how quickly you replace my words with your own version.
I notice how every conversation has to end with your interpretation winning.
I notice how your reactions are no longer unpredictable to me.
They’re patterned.

Almost rehearsed.

The accusation.
The offence.
The withdrawal.
The silent treatment.
Then, later…
You start talking again as though nothing happened.

No apology.
No accountability.
No repair.
Just the unspoken expectation that I will step back into the relationship as though I hadn’t just spent paying for something I never actually said.

I used to think that cycle meant I had done something wrong.
Now I see it for what it is.

You weren’t listening to understand me.
You were listening for something you could use to make me responsible for your emotions.
And the day I stopped believing your version of me…
was the day your version stopped controlling me.

#emotionallyimmature #emotionalmanipulation #gaslighting #deflection #EmotionalAbuse #familytrauma #childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #complextrauma #boundaries #selftrust #traumahealing #psychology #healingjourney #theself

I found this on Facebook.
(Written by TheSelf)

For years, I thought the problem was that I wasn’t explaining myself well enough.

So I explained more.

I chose my words more carefully. I softened my tone. I replayed conversations in my head before I had them. I apologised for intentions I never had. I took responsibility for reactions I didn’t create.

Because every time I said something that made you uncomfortable, you told me what I “actually” meant.

You weren’t hurt because of what I said.
You were hurt because of what you decided I meant.
And somehow, that became my responsibility.

If I disagreed, you argued.
If I defended myself, you called me defensive.
If I stayed calm, you said I was cold.
If I cried, I was too emotional.

There was no version of the conversation where I was allowed to own my own words.

You owned them.
You translated them.
You rewrote them.
Then you reacted to your own version, while expecting me to apologise for it.

When I didn’t, the punishment came.

The silence.
The slammed doors.
The sighs.
The eye rolls.
The dishes thrown around the kitchen.

The tension that swallowed the whole house.

And eventually, I learnt the lesson you were teaching me.

Don’t trust yourself.

Trust my interpretation of you.

That’s what hurts the most when I look back.
Not that you misunderstood me.
That you taught me to misunderstand myself.

Now something has changed.
I hear you tell me what I “really mean,” and I don’t automatically believe you anymore.
I notice how quickly you replace my words with your own version.
I notice how every conversation has to end with your interpretation winning.
I notice how your reactions are no longer unpredictable to me.
They’re patterned.

Almost rehearsed.

The accusation.
The offence.
The withdrawal.
The silent treatment.
Then, later…
You start talking again as though nothing happened.

No apology.
No accountability.
No repair.
Just the unspoken expectation that I will step back into the relationship as though I hadn’t just spent paying for something I never actually said.

I used to think that cycle meant I had done something wrong.
Now I see it for what it is.

You weren’t listening to understand me.
You were listening for something you could use to make me responsible for your emotions.
And the day I stopped believing your version of me…
was the day your version stopped controlling me.

#emotionallyimmature #emotionalmanipulation #gaslighting #deflection #EmotionalAbuse #familytrauma #childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #complextrauma #boundaries #selftrust #traumahealing #psychology #healingjourney #theself

I'm back home from a dentist's appointment. Guess how it was for me? Pure survival mode. My body turned on all the reflexes that were possible....

I often hear people talk about anxiety when it comes to dentist's appt.
For #HSP people wìth #CPTSD (and others) it's pure stress. That's nothing we can think our way out of.
The decission is on us whether we face the stress for physical health....

Anyway, I made it.

I'm back home from a dentist's appointment. Guess how it was for me? Pure survival mode. My body turned on all the reflexes that were possible....

I often hear people talk about anxiety when it comes to dentist's appt.
For #HSP people wìth #CPTSD (and others) it's pure stress. That's nothing we can think our way out of.
The decission is on us whether we face the stress for physical health....

Anyway, I made it.

www.facebook.com/share/1EVtmBsnRx
The #finch birds show in picture, how #Selfcare can look.
Which one is yours for the weekend?

www.facebook.com/share/1EVtmBsnRx
The #finch birds show in picture, how #Selfcare can look.
Which one is yours for the weekend?