Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Realizing everything is a lie.

I have to accept that my family of origin may say they love me.

They do not know how to show or express love.

To make it worse they, including me are way too emotionally immature.

Yes I can blame my parents, but then I will have to blame my grand parents plus all the generations before them. Blame society, and my culture. The lie has been the trying to live to an ideal that is impossible and only brings suffering and misery.

When I the youngest did not fall in line with the "program" I have been gaslighted and scapegoated, in my case, since birth.

At 57 I am only coming to realize all my suffering and misery was because no one else had the courage to challenge the debilitating status quo.

I could go into all the evidence of how I have been treated. But the status quo cannot survive if my perspective and reality is accepted as truth.

I have to be a lie so everybody else can stay in their own delusions.

I am expendable to suffer in silence and isolation.

All to allow everyone else the comfort they deem more important than my sanity.

I am slowly being killed in front of everyone and no one cares.

Realizing everything is a lie.

I have to accept that my family of origin may say they love me.

They do not know how to show or express love.

To make it worse they, including me are way too emotionally immature.

Yes I can blame my parents, but then I will have to blame my grand parents plus all the generations before them. Blame society, and my culture. The lie has been the trying to live to an ideal that is impossible and only brings suffering and misery.

When I the youngest did not fall in line with the "program" I have been gaslighted and scapegoated, in my case, since birth.

At 57 I am only coming to realize all my suffering and misery was because no one else had the courage to challenge the debilitating status quo.

I could go into all the evidence of how I have been treated. But the status quo cannot survive if my perspective and reality is accepted as truth.

I have to be a lie so everybody else can stay in their own delusions.

I am expendable to suffer in silence and isolation.

All to allow everyone else the comfort they deem more important than my sanity.

I am slowly being killed in front of everyone and no one cares.

Lately there are many nights full of emotional dreams. Last night I woke up at 1 am and 4 am.
The dreams mirrored my survival strategies. Growing into selfcare decissions rather than survival strategies, is a full-time-job.
I'm feeling like there's no energy left.

Lately there are many nights full of emotional dreams. Last night I woke up at 1 am and 4 am.
The dreams mirrored my survival strategies. Growing into selfcare decissions rather than survival strategies, is a full-time-job.
I'm feeling like there's no energy left.