Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I used to look for a safe person in every group or class I joined.
That person was a "life vest" to me.
My instinct told me to keep holding onto that person - my rational mind already knew safety doesn't work that way.
How did it work instead?

An essential game changer was my boss at the horsefarm. We've been talking a lot. Which showed me: I can be my true self, hide when needed, speak when I'm ready or not talk to each other for a while - and the bond is still safe.

I even talked about struggling with work future. He said I shall take time so my work will find me.
I'm relieved, thankful and proud of myself for once again speaking up.

I used to look for a safe person in every group or class I joined.
That person was a "life vest" to me.
My instinct told me to keep holding onto that person - my rational mind already knew safety doesn't work that way.
How did it work instead?

An essential game changer was my boss at the horsefarm. We've been talking a lot. Which showed me: I can be my true self, hide when needed, speak when I'm ready or not talk to each other for a while - and the bond is still safe.

I even talked about struggling with work future. He said I shall take time so my work will find me.
I'm relieved, thankful and proud of myself for once again speaking up.

I used to hope the horsefarm were my work place to be. Now, I've finally realized that it's just an experience I've made.
With a fearful heart, I'm heading towards an unknown work future.

I used to hope the horsefarm were my work place to be. Now, I've finally realized that it's just an experience I've made.
With a fearful heart, I'm heading towards an unknown work future.

Realizing everything is a lie.

I have to accept that my family of origin may say they love me.

They do not know how to show or express love.

To make it worse they, including me are way too emotionally immature.

Yes I can blame my parents, but then I will have to blame my grand parents plus all the generations before them. Blame society, and my culture. The lie has been the trying to live to an ideal that is impossible and only brings suffering and misery.

When I the youngest did not fall in line with the "program" I have been gaslighted and scapegoated, in my case, since birth.

At 57 I am only coming to realize all my suffering and misery was because no one else had the courage to challenge the debilitating status quo.

I could go into all the evidence of how I have been treated. But the status quo cannot survive if my perspective and reality is accepted as truth.

I have to be a lie so everybody else can stay in their own delusions.

I am expendable to suffer in silence and isolation.

All to allow everyone else the comfort they deem more important than my sanity.

I am slowly being killed in front of everyone and no one cares.

Realizing everything is a lie.

I have to accept that my family of origin may say they love me.

They do not know how to show or express love.

To make it worse they, including me are way too emotionally immature.

Yes I can blame my parents, but then I will have to blame my grand parents plus all the generations before them. Blame society, and my culture. The lie has been the trying to live to an ideal that is impossible and only brings suffering and misery.

When I the youngest did not fall in line with the "program" I have been gaslighted and scapegoated, in my case, since birth.

At 57 I am only coming to realize all my suffering and misery was because no one else had the courage to challenge the debilitating status quo.

I could go into all the evidence of how I have been treated. But the status quo cannot survive if my perspective and reality is accepted as truth.

I have to be a lie so everybody else can stay in their own delusions.

I am expendable to suffer in silence and isolation.

All to allow everyone else the comfort they deem more important than my sanity.

I am slowly being killed in front of everyone and no one cares.