Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I have felt double triggered for the last few days and my mind/body is in spin mode.
I recently realized that my narcissistic mother never loved me. It wasn’t a surprise. Looking back, everything makes sense.

I’m in my 60’s and she died about 5 years ago at age 91. I tried to cut contact a couple of years prior but I never could fully do it. She was very sharp, no sign of Alzheimer’s, nor did she have any real physical issues other than not being able to hear well, so she didn’t need care. But she often faked issues for attention.

The last time I went to attend to her, she actually was sick. I took her to the hospital. She was there for a couple of days getting hydrated, then stayed with my younger brother for her last 2 weeks. Literally up to a couple of days before she died, she was still trying to manipulate me.

Anyway, I started to heal after that. Like I said, I have only recently had the full realization that she never loved me. Even though I mentally understand, I am still triggered and my body is in anxiety mode.

My second trigger is way more intense for me. It’s everything going on in the Epstein files and what was done to the children. I will not go into that further out of caution to not trigger anyone else. Suffice it to say that my mind is constantly racing, my body is activated and I am having a really hard time.

I can’t read (which I normally love), can’t do anything right now. My system is just all out of wack and literally trembling off and on.
I have set up an appt with my therapist but it isn’t until March 6.

I am posting here because I know it’s a safe space and just needed to share with kind people. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate you all.

I have felt double triggered for the last few days and my mind/body is in spin mode.
I recently realized that my narcissistic mother never loved me. It wasn’t a surprise. Looking back, everything makes sense.

I’m in my 60’s and she died about 5 years ago at age 91. I tried to cut contact a couple of years prior but I never could fully do it. She was very sharp, no sign of Alzheimer’s, nor did she have any real physical issues other than not being able to hear well, so she didn’t need care. But she often faked issues for attention.

The last time I went to attend to her, she actually was sick. I took her to the hospital. She was there for a couple of days getting hydrated, then stayed with my younger brother for her last 2 weeks. Literally up to a couple of days before she died, she was still trying to manipulate me.

Anyway, I started to heal after that. Like I said, I have only recently had the full realization that she never loved me. Even though I mentally understand, I am still triggered and my body is in anxiety mode.

My second trigger is way more intense for me. It’s everything going on in the Epstein files and what was done to the children. I will not go into that further out of caution to not trigger anyone else. Suffice it to say that my mind is constantly racing, my body is activated and I am having a really hard time.

I can’t read (which I normally love), can’t do anything right now. My system is just all out of wack and literally trembling off and on.
I have set up an appt with my therapist but it isn’t until March 6.

I am posting here because I know it’s a safe space and just needed to share with kind people. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate you all.

Nothing has improved or been acknowledged.I am grateful for having known better and seeing the patterns early.to bad they are the delusional ones, believing I had no clue.I am not complacent when,,I have been asking, begging for it to STOP, the entire time.Because I'm aware of your games, I'm wrong? No, doesn't work like that. I would forgive them if they were forthcoming but they are not.I will be finding ways to protect myself.I no longer feel safe, secure or appreciated, in any capacity now. I have been showed by all involved, let go or be dragged, I have no right to expect any help, initiating home repairs are a no go, anything I say, is over, now.But at the same time, no final plans, no commitments or future endeavors, are fantasy and fake.I will forever be in a stalemate as long as I stay.That is, the message I have been shown for the last two years.The longer I stay, the biggest the health, financial and emotional cost? That's what I'm being told.Makes no sense and not to or by my rules.I can have a good life living here.I do not need to answer to "his" life anymore.He can do it alone.
He can, have all of it, for himself.
I will be here, I will have my say for myself, if he can't include me....It is that simple.im included or I am not, easy.Including me casually, when it works in his favor.no I'm over that.it is in or out, in or over.

Nothing has improved or been acknowledged.I am grateful for having known better and seeing the patterns early.to bad they are the delusional ones, believing I had no clue.I am not complacent when,,I have been asking, begging for it to STOP, the entire time.Because I'm aware of your games, I'm wrong? No, doesn't work like that. I would forgive them if they were forthcoming but they are not.I will be finding ways to protect myself.I no longer feel safe, secure or appreciated, in any capacity now. I have been showed by all involved, let go or be dragged, I have no right to expect any help, initiating home repairs are a no go, anything I say, is over, now.But at the same time, no final plans, no commitments or future endeavors, are fantasy and fake.I will forever be in a stalemate as long as I stay.That is, the message I have been shown for the last two years.The longer I stay, the biggest the health, financial and emotional cost? That's what I'm being told.Makes no sense and not to or by my rules.I can have a good life living here.I do not need to answer to "his" life anymore.He can do it alone.
He can, have all of it, for himself.
I will be here, I will have my say for myself, if he can't include me....It is that simple.im included or I am not, easy.Including me casually, when it works in his favor.no I'm over that.it is in or out, in or over.