ConfusedAndHurt

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Am I?

So... if you’ve been following any of my posts you know that I’m kinda romantically linked to someone who’s in a relationship and has a baby on the way. Reiterating the fact that we haven’t done anything in months. And we have been friends since high school. We still flirt more or less but nothing physical. ANYWAY.... like I mentioned he has a baby on the way. And being his friend, we talk about it. Sometimes it’s really hard for me. So I just pretend to be indifferent about it with myself and with him, I’m happy for him. Which I am truly. But at the same time... sometimes I just want to scream in his face for being an idiot and doing this to me. I know I’m responsible for my own choices. BUT, he didn’t have to lead me on. I never asked for any of this. I just needed a friend. He decided to try to be more and then decides after I open up, emotionally, I’m my most vulnerable when I was already going through some relationship problems... to take my heart and stomp on it. But I’m loyal to a fault and I care too much and he’s a good friend when he isn’t trying to be more than that... which it’s a little too late now I guess. Anyway... my question is am I being a good friend? I feel like I’m not as excited for him as I should be. I don’t know. #ConfusedAndHurt #Relationships #Friends #Depression

7 comments
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I can't die and I can't live

Nearly an year ago I had commented on someone's post on Mighty about how I wanted to die because of depression and anxiety but was trying to get better because my family loves me and it will cause them irreplaceable hurt if I died.

I used to live in a different city at that time. Now due to covid situation I have been living at home and I've become worse. Mom won't talk unless to think of a caption for her insta, brother isn't interested in anything but playing games, and Dad, I don't know if he cares or not (fortunately he's living in another city). I have to ask her 10 times for even buying groceries for the next day, and that is when she just has to tell me what and how much, and I buy them. She's also stressed of course, my grandmother has lung cancer and mom has to be involved in everything because her sister (my aunt) doesn't pull her weight. Dad also has stress due to his job and to finish off our family loans, and my brother is a teenager so yes, it is a stressful time for him as well. I don't have many friends and the ones I do either don't understand depression or are very busy. I did make a lot progress with therapy and obviously a lot more has to be done, but I don't know. Why am I even doing this? Sometimes it feels easier to run away or die, but I know I won't do it because I know it will hurt them. But why should I even get better? I don't have many friends, whenever I try to talk about any issue (mine or theirs) it is either met with mockery or shouting. My parents are good people, but this is very confusing. I know that they are under stress, but that shouldn't give them a right to treat me this way, especially after the fact that they are the main reason I didn't kill myself in my darkest moments. Because I didn't want them to suffer. I often think of detaching myself mentally from them but can't follow through it because I care for them. And granted, I'm not a perfect person and have been rude sometimes, I've never refused to listen. I always think about them. I so care. I don't know if they do.

I can't die and I can't live.

#Depression #Anxiety #Familytroubles #familyjudgement #cantdieandcantlive #hatelife #confused #ConfusedAndHurt

5 comments
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Does love really exist?

I’ve been in a relationship for several years and I thought he was the one. We were happy and we were engaged but there has been a person who keeps interfering with our relationship for the past year and it has finally took its toll. We kind of separated. He said because it was starting to interfere with his work. This person started messaging people that he works with saying he had crushes on them or what not. Also kept messaging me about how he’s cheated on me or has other girlfriends or whatnot. All stuff that I know is not true. But now he’s confused and doesn’t know what to do. He says he loves me but right now he doesn’t want to put a label on us and keeps calling us “roommates with benefits”. It hurts to go from plannin a wedding to just a fling. He wants to get through the holidays and then figure out what to do.
We do the same things we’ve always done, nothing has changed there. We’re in our routine and have kept it up.
Should I stick around and see what happens? Or am I in denial? #ConfusedAndHurt #Love #depressed

2 comments
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Such rage these past few days. Cycle in then cycle out.

When “a good friend” drops you instead of helping you work through things. #Depression #Rage #ConfusedAndHurt

8 comments
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Friends

How does one find friends? I work with a lot of people and they are friends with each other but somehow, it's always me who's left out. I always see them laughing, smiling joking around with each other and I'm just there. I've been working around them for about a year now I never get invited anywhere. I don't know if I should try and do something or what? #Friends #ConfusedAndHurt

1 comment
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One day I feel like all is lost and the next I feel fine

I'm so confused when it comes to how I'm doing mentally and emotionally and I am curious if anyone else feels the same way an what they do about it. I will go for several days like everything is completely fine. When someone even brings up or asks how I am doing mentally, it feels like a ridiculous question and like I was never even struggling to begin with. Then, all of a sudden it hits me and I feel extremely depressed, start getting panic attacks again, and anxious all the time. I start pushing people away again and I can't find the energy to do basic things. Once again, after just a little while, it's over and I'm okay again. When I'm supposed to talk about how I'm doing it gets really difficult because it seems to switch on me so much. I'm so confused and I don't know what this means or what to do about it. Any input?
#selfharmthoughts #help #Depression #Anxiety #ConfusedAndHurt #numb

3 comments
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Anger burst out

Hey guys. This is the first time i posted here after i joined mighty over two years.
I just had sudden anger with my partner for little things and after that i just don't wanna talk to him at all. It just a simple thing like "he ate all the chocolate that he is not supposed to"
I feel my moodswings being crazy lately too. So, I've been just throw myself to nap after the anger. It was like crazily stressed regardless it just a little things.
I feels like i wanted to escape the world rn but I can't. Just feel very exhausted and tired.
Have anyone's experience that?
I haven't been diagnosed yet, but from all the symptoms i potentially have BPD. Although,my dr has diagnosed me with depression. #ConfusedAndHurt

1 comment
Post

Anger burst out

Hey guys. This is the first time i posted here after i joined mighty over two years.
I just had sudden anger with my partner for little things and after that i just don't wanna talk to him at all. It just a simple thing like "he ate all the chocolate that he is not supposed to"
I feel my moodswings being crazy lately too. So, I've been just throw myself to nap after the anger. It was like crazily stressed regardless it just a little things.
I feels like i wanted to escape the world rn but I can't. Just feel very exhausted and tired.
Have anyone's experience that?
I haven't been diagnosed yet, but from all the symptoms i potentially have BPD. Although,my dr has diagnosed me with depression. #ConfusedAndHurt

4 comments
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I'm exhausted, what do I do now? #tired #ConfusedAndHurt

My husband and I are expecting our 4th child, and I'm struggling like never before. This was an unexpected pregnancy, and I definitely feel financially and emotionally unprepared. Im diagnosed with server depression, and general anxiety and I'm going to counseling every week. I've stopped my medication because I'm scared of the risks it poses to the baby. They recomend another medication that they felt was safe, but I had been on it before and it had made my depression way worse.

So, until my next psychiatric appointment, I'm stuck in limbo. I'm struggling physically and emotionally from both the pregnancy and my current depressive spiral. I'm just at the point past caring anymore. I'm not actively trying to end my life, but I'm just tired of living it. I know that I am loved, I know I have outlets to talk to, but I just can't feel anything anymore. Nothing elicits excitement, or joy. And thanks to my morning sickness, I can't even enjoy food. I haven't been able to keep anything more than toast and crackers down in 2 weeks.

I've felt so apathetic about everything for weeks. I'm having a hard time taking care of myself or my home. And I can't find a light at the end of this tunnel. Financially this baby is going to put us under. My depression and my pregnancy has stolen all my energy away. I even got so overwhelmed that I couldn't keep my job... I'm drowning and I'm exhausted, what do I do now?

8 comments