Nearly an year ago I had commented on someone's post on Mighty about how I wanted to die because of depression and anxiety but was trying to get better because my family loves me and it will cause them irreplaceable hurt if I died.
I used to live in a different city at that time. Now due to covid situation I have been living at home and I've become worse. Mom won't talk unless to think of a caption for her insta, brother isn't interested in anything but playing games, and Dad, I don't know if he cares or not (fortunately he's living in another city). I have to ask her 10 times for even buying groceries for the next day, and that is when she just has to tell me what and how much, and I buy them. She's also stressed of course, my grandmother has lung cancer and mom has to be involved in everything because her sister (my aunt) doesn't pull her weight. Dad also has stress due to his job and to finish off our family loans, and my brother is a teenager so yes, it is a stressful time for him as well. I don't have many friends and the ones I do either don't understand depression or are very busy. I did make a lot progress with therapy and obviously a lot more has to be done, but I don't know. Why am I even doing this? Sometimes it feels easier to run away or die, but I know I won't do it because I know it will hurt them. But why should I even get better? I don't have many friends, whenever I try to talk about any issue (mine or theirs) it is either met with mockery or shouting. My parents are good people, but this is very confusing. I know that they are under stress, but that shouldn't give them a right to treat me this way, especially after the fact that they are the main reason I didn't kill myself in my darkest moments. Because I didn't want them to suffer. I often think of detaching myself mentally from them but can't follow through it because I care for them. And granted, I'm not a perfect person and have been rude sometimes, I've never refused to listen. I always think about them. I so care. I don't know if they do.
I can't die and I can't live.
#Depression #Anxiety #Familytroubles #familyjudgement #cantdieandcantlive #hatelife #confused #ConfusedAndHurt