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Too Much Fatigue, Too Much Sleep #Depression

I’ve been feeling tired and fatigued so much for the last week. I’ve been sleeping late and this weekend I’ve felt so unmotivated. Today, I gave in to fatigue and had a three hour nap. I woke up wishing I could sleep forever. I know this is depression because I’m dealing with personal issues involving my family; I’m taking steps to go no-contact and it’s so devastating to know your family, particularly my mother, could care less about you and only want to emotionally abuse you. The pain is overwhelming. I also just started a new job so asking for a mental health day is a bit too soon. I’ll try to exercise more to get the hormones going and try to do what I enjoy to fight this depression. It’s going to very tough though. #DepressionAndMentalHealth #MajorDepression #nocontact #EmotionalAbuse #EmotionalNeglect #Familytroubles


Family Ties

Yesterday, I was thinking about my parent’s marriage and realizing that in some ways it is toxic. My mom tries to be the mediator a lot of the time, trying to make some kind of peace for the time being. Then there’s the step father who displays a narcissistic personality. She says he’s on the way to recovery for whatever he was dealing with that got him in trouble, but I find it hard to believe that because in the past, for every time he says he’s going to do better, he does for a while and then go s back to the same behavior or worse than before. I’ve come to realize something though. Whenever things are “good” between them, I feel invisible. Through the duration of my teen years, I’ve felt invisible largely because my younger brother was getting punished for bad behavior which resulted in a lot of sit downs. Most of that time, I was either in my room or I would leave the house because I knew it was going to be a big blow up. That is until it got physical and I was told that I could leave anymore. This is where the inner child I think is most hurt: the idea that my one sole parent seems to be choosing other people over me. It may be the reason why I’m very independent. I don’t feel I can really rely on anyone because I’ve been made to pick up the pieces where they fall in certain situations. I also feel that need to save my mom at times. Many times in life, I’ve felt like I had to carry some form of responsibility for other people, therefore, neglecting myself and my needs. I explained this to my therapist and we got into setting boundaries which is something that was/is hard for me to do. I crave separation from certain people, but I could never express it. I crave independence from my mom, but I don’t have the means at the moment. Looking at their marriage makes me not want to even consider a close relationship with anyone. As much as I would like for that to happen, I really don’t want to fall into the same pattern of my mom and grandma who have both got into marriages that have recked them in some way. I really wish that someone told me a long time ago that I had my own inner power, it probably would have saved me from a lot of things. I think my inner child is more vocal than before and needs me more than ever. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Familytroubles #ToxicMarriage #innerchild

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Mission 2021: Fighting Back

2020 has been a year with both hardships and triumphs, but a number of days into 2021, it has become apparent that we have found a name for what we are dealing with at home: a narcissist. The funny thing is, whenever I did bring up things that have happened at home ( if it was brought up) one of the first things they would say was that this person (the man of the house) sounded like a “narcissist”. Well, I didn’t think about this, but in hindsight, they were all right. Almost 15 years of emotional neglect and also emotional abuse. My mom and I have been victims of his gaslighting, crossing of boundaries, the belittling, and the list continues. Both of us are are in therapy, I’m on antidepressants, and he refuses to get help. Changes will be put in place and arrangements may be put in place sometime in the future. Starting over sounds like a better option at this point. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Familytroubles #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

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I can't die and I can't live

Nearly an year ago I had commented on someone's post on Mighty about how I wanted to die because of depression and anxiety but was trying to get better because my family loves me and it will cause them irreplaceable hurt if I died.

I used to live in a different city at that time. Now due to covid situation I have been living at home and I've become worse. Mom won't talk unless to think of a caption for her insta, brother isn't interested in anything but playing games, and Dad, I don't know if he cares or not (fortunately he's living in another city). I have to ask her 10 times for even buying groceries for the next day, and that is when she just has to tell me what and how much, and I buy them. She's also stressed of course, my grandmother has lung cancer and mom has to be involved in everything because her sister (my aunt) doesn't pull her weight. Dad also has stress due to his job and to finish off our family loans, and my brother is a teenager so yes, it is a stressful time for him as well. I don't have many friends and the ones I do either don't understand depression or are very busy. I did make a lot progress with therapy and obviously a lot more has to be done, but I don't know. Why am I even doing this? Sometimes it feels easier to run away or die, but I know I won't do it because I know it will hurt them. But why should I even get better? I don't have many friends, whenever I try to talk about any issue (mine or theirs) it is either met with mockery or shouting. My parents are good people, but this is very confusing. I know that they are under stress, but that shouldn't give them a right to treat me this way, especially after the fact that they are the main reason I didn't kill myself in my darkest moments. Because I didn't want them to suffer. I often think of detaching myself mentally from them but can't follow through it because I care for them. And granted, I'm not a perfect person and have been rude sometimes, I've never refused to listen. I always think about them. I so care. I don't know if they do.

I can't die and I can't live.

#Depression #Anxiety #Familytroubles #familyjudgement #cantdieandcantlive #hatelife #confused #ConfusedAndHurt


My ATM Divorcing Parents are Using Me as a Means For Their Communication...and It’s Exhausting #Depression

If you’ve read my thought from a week back then this is a kind of continuation of that. For those who didn’t catch that one the TLDR is that my parents are going through a horrible divorce and it’s messing me up greatly. Basically now they’ve started using me as the middle man in their stupid game of divorced-couple telephone. And it’s so exhausting. It’s incredibly spirit-draining to have to say filter their words when most of it is just some condescending jab at each other. I’m sorry that this sounds so much like a rant, and that my thoughts comes out more childish than I thought it would. But I am absolutely crushed to be in the middle of all this. I thought my parents of all people should be the one to know to make this easy for me, and yet here I am: depressed and trauma-ridden. I was never one for love anyway but going through this kinda makes it impossible for me to ever consider opening up myself to the possibility of it. They’ve skewed my perception of love so much. God knows what else is gonna be ruined for me now. Haven’t even been able to watch or read anything with the word “family” in it -they’ve ruined that for me too. What a bust, life is right now. #Depression #DepressiveThoughts #Familytroubles #Sadness


I'm Gonna be A Child of Divorce #Depression

I'm 21 and I've always been mature for my age. I'm 21 and that's nowhere near a child's age but right now I feel like one. My parents are getting a divorce and I've seen it coming -anticipated it even, because all of us could see that it's the best thing to do. I'm even a little mad they didn't get it sooner because I'm sure that would've been better. It's just that since I'm no longer a child, they decided that they're not gonna spare me all of the horrible details. Oh how I wish that I'm an actual child right now so I don't have to hear what I've heard. And it sucks. Because these are two people that I thought I love but I'm seeing how horrible they can be. Especially my dad. Not to pick a side but he's honestly the worst person I've ever known. I don't know if I'm allowed to hate him, but I do -oh how I do. And it's hard because I'm not the only one going through this, my older sister and my younger brother are in the same boat. I want to be their anchor, I want to be the one who could stay strong for them but it's getting harder and harder. The night of their (my parents) big fight both my sister and my brother cried. And holding them both whilst sobs wracked through their bodies is heartbreaking. I didn't cry. Not because I was trying to be strong but because I can't. I've been moping around and my depression is at an all time high but not a tear escaped me. I wish I could cry but all I've been feeling are there extreme pangs of numbness and emptiness. I don't know what to do. Stress of my final year of Uni is also catching up and these days I feel like trash. Like actual literal trash -chewed up and thrown out only to be picked up astray by the wind. Not knowing where I'm headed, just drifting, just floating. Barely alive; only living. I'm tired, very tired. I just hope I can hold out.

#Depression #Familytroubles #Emptiness #DepressiveEpisodes #d


Need advice #CheckInWithMe

Change is hard to adjust too, especially when it happens within 24 hours. I was promoted, I’m happy and know this will lead to better things. However I have routines i stick too diligently to help my mental health. Everyone is happy yet not letting my grieve and deal with this in my own time. Happinesses can’t come till good byes are said. My mom has been very rude during this entire weekend, constantly turning my sadness around and making it about how I ‘hate’ her or how it’s going to be ‘one of those days’ she’s not being supportive at all and I’m frustrated.

How do you deal with family members who don’t understand that before the sun rises sometimes you have to sit in the rain? #CheckInWithMe #familyjudgement #Familytroubles #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety

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Just some musings about my childhood

If only i knew

That all i had to do was turn side-on to disappear

I felt like a paper-chain girl growing up.

Present, but flimsy, permanently and impossibly linked to family.

Unable to turn in my own direction.

Pulled along in the current of family. Hand in identical hand.

When anorexia came, the only thing i could verbalise over and over was 'i just want to disappear'.

Looking back now, from recovery, i hear the voice of someone who believed she was worthless. I see now it wasnt the voice of my illness as my parents wanted to believe, but the voice of my very deepest self, giving up, and surrendering any hope of a 3-dimensional individual life if current circumstances of family life continued.

Now i am recovered and learning to be me, fully and in every dimension i care to occupy.

The image of a paper chain girl came to  mind to describe a sense of sameness, lack of identity, inevitability of future direction.

When you turn a paper chain girl side on, she disappears.

#AnorexiaNervosa #Familytroubles #Childhoodemotionalneglect


My family sucks

The main reason I am in therapy is because of my family. Right now, my mother and my older brother are the main culprits of my stressors in my life. I don’t love these people but I do care about them. Anyone else? #familysucks #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Familytroubles

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My parents are trying to get rid of my dog...

I love my dog... with my whole heart. Call me crazy if you want but sometimes when I was at my lowest, I’d take him to the park and we’d relax. I don’t have a great relationship with my family so sometimes I sit outside with him to get away. Lately my dad keeps saying he’s useless and wants to get rid of him. He’s legally my dads so technically he can.... I keep defending my dog and saying I want him. I take care of him and everything. My brother decided he’s “bored of him... Buddy is too old” so now it’s just me...

I don’t know what to do. I said if my dad got rid of him I’d adopt him from the shelter so he’s legally mine and I think I’ll be kicked out of the house for it... none of my friends can take him in because he’s a big dog and they all have pets of their own. I don’t know what to do... I know I’m not being crazy but I don’t know what to do. I need my dog... sometimes it seems like he’s the only one who cares about me . I know that sounds insane...

#Dogs #ForTheLoveOfDogs #Advice #Depression #Familytroubles