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the endless tormented mind

having a mind that wont turn off, it wont stop analyzing, and it just wants to be loved yet is so unlovable…begs to die. but i cant kill myself. i have a 15 year old boy and several animals someone would have to care for. noone could love them like i do. yes his dad would care for him and he wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. his sister left us almost three years ago and doesn’t want to ever come back. cant blame her. im just messed up 100%. no drugs help. they make it worse, counseling doesn’t help much. i just want an end to this pain in my head. i dont want to live anymore. as if i was living anyway. noone loves me. noone wants me around. noone give a crap about me. so why should i stay? to continue the pain. the torment. the loneliness that plagues me to my core. tired of breathing and going through the motions of my bs life that everyone sees as so wonderful. its not when they are stuck in my stupid head. its fn hell. im so sick of it. wish something could just kill me. why do i always have to do everything? i hate my life. i wish i was never born and never had kids since im such a screwup in every way possible. its just too much to keep on with this nonsense . #hatelife mymindismessedup #Unlovable #unworthyoflove



I hate feeling this way, my doctor upped my meds, and this feeling of being alone is weighing over my head. I hate my life right now I should be happy! IM NOT HAPPY


I can't die and I can't live

Nearly an year ago I had commented on someone's post on Mighty about how I wanted to die because of depression and anxiety but was trying to get better because my family loves me and it will cause them irreplaceable hurt if I died.

I used to live in a different city at that time. Now due to covid situation I have been living at home and I've become worse. Mom won't talk unless to think of a caption for her insta, brother isn't interested in anything but playing games, and Dad, I don't know if he cares or not (fortunately he's living in another city). I have to ask her 10 times for even buying groceries for the next day, and that is when she just has to tell me what and how much, and I buy them. She's also stressed of course, my grandmother has lung cancer and mom has to be involved in everything because her sister (my aunt) doesn't pull her weight. Dad also has stress due to his job and to finish off our family loans, and my brother is a teenager so yes, it is a stressful time for him as well. I don't have many friends and the ones I do either don't understand depression or are very busy. I did make a lot progress with therapy and obviously a lot more has to be done, but I don't know. Why am I even doing this? Sometimes it feels easier to run away or die, but I know I won't do it because I know it will hurt them. But why should I even get better? I don't have many friends, whenever I try to talk about any issue (mine or theirs) it is either met with mockery or shouting. My parents are good people, but this is very confusing. I know that they are under stress, but that shouldn't give them a right to treat me this way, especially after the fact that they are the main reason I didn't kill myself in my darkest moments. Because I didn't want them to suffer. I often think of detaching myself mentally from them but can't follow through it because I care for them. And granted, I'm not a perfect person and have been rude sometimes, I've never refused to listen. I always think about them. I so care. I don't know if they do.

I can't die and I can't live.

#Depression #Anxiety #Familytroubles #familyjudgement #cantdieandcantlive #hatelife #confused #ConfusedAndHurt


Hate Myself Every Day

There isn’t a day that goes by that I feel happy.... Not. One. Day.... EVER! I hate this feeling and I hate making others feel terrible but I just can’t seem to be a good person no matter how much I try. I always fuck it up badly. What the fuck is wrong with me??? Why can’t the medication and therapy just work??? #Depression #Anxiety #anger #AngerManagement #hatelife


ITS SO HARD FAKING A SMILE #hard #sad #hatelife

All I have to say here is that I’m tired of the life I live and I guess unfortunate things are just channeled to me and I just don’t know honestly: what have I done ? Sometimes I think I’m just a terrible person but is that really it? Some other times I feel like I’m too nice and people take me for granted. I’m so convinced that the latter is the case. I also come off as playful and happy to people and then they think I’m excited inside and it’s oo hard that I can’t stop smiling. I actually have no friends in my environment. I hate that I live in an environment where I have to associate. I just don’t know what to do anymore. No one cares to know how I feel so most times I swallow my sadness. And it’s really hard. IT FEELS LIKE I AM REGURGITATING MY FEELINGS. I keep trying to push it in but it comes back to me. So sometimes , I Just try to tell myself to be positive and it works for a while . Sometimes, it JUst won’t. I AM LITERALLY ON MY OWN. It’s so hard and everything is. I just don’t know. I’m confused. I have been keeping to myself for over a year and it’s hard. #Life #Depression I can’t do it anymore. It makes me weak in the morning at work because I can’t sleep in peace. I wake up with fear and anxiety. I can’t even sleep well because anxiety wakes me up. When I attempt to talk to people, it seems like I’m disturbing or complicating my situation. They try to belittle my feelings and try to give me reason why my sadness is invalid. And in fact, I AM TIRED. I want to RUN AWAY. I have not considered commuting suicide but I understand that it’s HARDDDD.

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Another dark day today. #SocialAnxiety

Today was really hard. I had a panic attack at a shopping mall. The only person I feel I can remotely be myself around is becoming more and more distant with me. I hate public places, I hate feeling people watch meand think about me. I wish I was invisible. I caused a huge argument within my only group of friends and honestly if I loose them I have nothing left to live for.

I spend all week hoping for the weekend thinking it’s going to be my escape. Turns out there is none.

What are your escapes? Advice?

#CheckInWithMe #SocialAnxiety #Depression #PanicAttacks #hatelife #nothingleft

1 comment


what to do when your mom says that it is a disappoint meant to have you as a child in my family and they will not accept that you are transgender and you like a boy.


What do you do on a good day?

Just wondering. Cause you know, I just tend to take my cat for a car ride on good days. Yet you know- I’m fine. #Endometriosis #SocialAnxiety #Depression #PCOS #Adenomyosis #hatelife