Courage is being afraid but doing it anyway #CourageToChange
Defend me against myself
Most evenings recently my brain runs a painful and unhelpful reel of horrible thoughts about myself:
You're the worst...
You don't deserve this...
I dont know how to defend myself from it.
Its very painful.
I have tried a number of techniques from ACT and CBT and DBT to accept and manage the thoughts and feelings but nothing works. I feel like im such a failure after years of therapy and making such change and progress in therapy. Things have been good lately, and now this. I thought i was better able to self care and manage my mood, and now this, and i cant get rid of it.
Its painful because its not true. If i really was all these bad things and didnt care, it wouldnt hurt. (Trying to accept that the mental pain/ cognitive dissonance means that i am not these things).
I know i should probably ring a friend who can protect me from myself and reassure me and assert that i am not the worst, i dont suck, and i do deserve all these ordinary things i have in my life and have worked for.
But. I dont want to whinge. Im not at risk of hurting myself or anything. I cant go running to my support people every time the big bully in my head gets too loud.
Can anyone relate to feeling like your being lazy/non-productive for taking time off for your mental health?
I recently had to take a medical leave of absence from my graduate work due to the constant panic attacks, paralyzing anxiety and depression that was causing me to have suicidial ideation. This is not the first episode of this type that I have had but it seems to be progressing this past year. It has been less then a week and I am set up to do EMDR therapy to work through the trauma my psychiatrist believes is bringing on the episodes. But my brain is SCREAMING at me with thoughts like "you are so dramatic and are fine you need to go back to school your wasting time"; "Seriously another psych episode getting in the way of our goals what is wrong with you"; "everyone thinks your crazy"; "what are you going to do about money i don't care that the doctor said take it easy you need to get a job".
New Job Same Depression
I can't sleep. I'm two days into my new job and I already feel like a failure. It's all online and very independent which usually is good, but it's all new. I thought it would be great to really hone a new skill to put in my toolkit for my career. Now I just feel like a big useless pile of poop that doesn't know what it's doing.
I was trying to work today, trying to stick to my schedule since we are still expected to work at the times we say we will work, but it was so hard. I just wanted to crawl into bed and never get out. I just couldn't get part feeling like I didn't know what I was doing and being useless. Then I would take short breaks because I wasn't being productive and felt guilty and pressured to get back to work as quickly as possible. I couldn't win and I can't let it go. Now I can't sleep because I know it all will be waiting for me when I wake up tomorrow.
#Depression #Anxiety #negativeselftalk
29th Blow Up
I haven’t been myself in a long time, and this morning I wasn’t feeling up t any kind of association with people, but I was going to force myself to do it anyway. Long story short, my mom and I got into it because I didn’t care to open up. I began to feel like she was coming down on me like before about my outlook on life, and kind of made it about her in the beginning. Whenever this happens, I panic because it always starts with me getting yelled at, but at that point, I unloaded everything. All of the anger, frustration, the tears, everything. We were calm by the end of it, but I’m still in a wreck about it. I went home and laid out on my bedroom floor, by this time my emotions are running really high. I can’t think of anything else, I couldn’t stop crying, I began to injure myself, then I started drawing on myself. The negative thoughts never stopped, but progressed. I could get all the commendation in the world, but will still feel lower than dirt. All that pops up is:” You idiot, stop crying.” “No ones going to love you.” “ Why can’t I die?” “You’re worthless.” “You’re not important.” I’m just in too much emotional pain at this point, I just feel like nothing I will ever do is enough... I’m not enough. #Depression #emotionalpain #Selfharm #panic #MentalHealth #Hurtinginside #cryingonthefloor #frustration #Grief #anger #Pain #NotOK #NegativeThinking #NegativeThoughts #negativeselftalk
What are some of the most hurtful words used to describe your symptoms?
I’ve asked this before on the mighty but it’s something I’m continually struggling with.
I’ll be doing fine, having a good day when anxiety takes over and something in me tells me I’m a loser.
Does anyone have tips on how to deal with negative self talk?