Long time no post! Hi y’all :)
So ok, I’m gonna be completely honest and bring you guys up to speed with how I have been. Throughthis fall and this winter I underwent some major learning curves in my life, mostly in terms of personal growth and gaining a clearer perspective on life. That alone can be very draining. But mix in other organic factors of your life, and it can very easily turn into a time when we tell others “I’m not doing so well”. (Usually “fine” covers that, but this is a step further down than “fine”, if you know what I mean).
I went t rough a period where I was almost back to ground zero, as far as my depression and anxiety were concerned. Even my anorexia was raising its head at the sudden shift in my trajectory. I went months without brushing my teeth. Almost a week at a time between showers. I didn’t do my laundry, and when I did I certainly didn’t fold them. I didn’t cook for myself anymore, and when I did use any dishes, they sat for as long as it took for the food in them to rot and become an ecosystem for all sorts of maggots and fruit flies. I would sit in my car, after work, for hours at a time, just zoning out. I think one day I was in there for a solid 5 hours. And as is very obvious by now, I had absolutely zero reserved energy for being around other people. which is pretty dramatic for me, everybody’s social butterfly. I only had a select few that I even wanted to see.
You follow?
Then came the breakthrough. And by breakthrough, I don’t mean sudden 180. I mean, The Point Where You Can See Again. And getting there wasn’t pretty- I had a screaming match with God. I closed the door to my house, slumped to the floor with my back against the door, in my smelly, dark house. I pounded my fists in the floor and screamed at the top of my lungs everything inside of me that was killing me. To Him. I made it personal. I made it honest. And, wonder if wonders, He took it and still loved me. He told me to rest in Him. That He could see even more than I did. And that He still loved me even after me cussing and yelling at Him. And that’s when I got better agin.
Fast forward, I have in the last 3 months moved, am trying to save more money, go to the gym regularly, setting goals, and actually feeding myself nutritious food. And staying on top of my bills and houses cleanliness. My own personal care and wellbeing. Sure, I might still be in a bit of a cocoon, but I am on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friends.
My relationship with the love of my life who struggles with bipolar 1, cancer, depression, schizophrenia, PTSD, and just about everything else is very heavy on my soul at times. We are sometimes far apart, a lot of the times, actually. And learning how to love and learn of another being takes stamina and effort. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. And besides, God said that He’s got me.
This is a picture of my progress- my healthy lunch at work. I’m cheering you all on, wherever you are at in your walk. ❤️
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