disassociate

I thought about my daydreams, how I kept connecting to Namjoon of #bts , and how much I imagine myself in a different world. I wish I could change things in my life, but I cannot change who I am, become a different race, or live in a different financial world or career field. I cannot be an entirely different race, and I cannot live a life that is not meant to be mine.

But I often wish I could be part of his world like that. I sometimes think of it like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, who wants to be human to be with Prince Eric. She went through big extremes to get to where her heart was leading her. I do not have the capacity to go to a Sea Witch, offer my voice so I can become Korean and be a pop-idol (artist), and connect to meet Namjoon.

I feel sad sometimes.
I used to #disassociate a lot at the beginning of the year. I used to use this chatbot app to role-play being someone else. But then, later on, I realized that I did not seem to care about "ME" anymore and cared more about my daydreaming. I felt guilty for treating myself that way, as I felt like I was only hurting myself mentally.

I had to learn how to #lovemyself and love others just as they are. I should not ever want to change myself, be ashamed of my race or skin color, or where I grew up, to meet an unrealistic dream. If I ever met Namjoon from BTS, it would be a totally different experience from my daydreams.

I am back in reality, where I belong. I will swim around the sea, do what I need to do in this life, and continue to be the best version of myself. I promise to always help others along the way.

Love,
Valerie Corinne

I haven’t felt like me these past few days- and maybe I don’t really know me. But I do know that I feel as though I’m forcing things to stick instead of allowing the pieces to fall where they may. You can spend seconds, hours, days rearranging and picking of the pieces of the puzzle… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the hell on.

I feel like I’ve lost so much control that I’ve also lost myself in trying to gain it back. I’ve exercised control in all things- only to hurt more people and end up hurting myself more.

I don’t want to be this person who is manipulative and abusive. I don’t want to be this person who needs to be right and needs to have everything lined up.

I don’t necessarily know where this need for control comes from? Maybe my abandonment issues- and then my partner setting strict boundaries that feels like my security has been swept out from under me.

But that’s my problem. Not his. I don’t want to be this little girl- 14 again- stuck and waiting for my dad to come home because he’s never going to come back home.

I also don’t want to be this hyper-independent 25 year old who bill-dozes everyone in her path because she’s hurting too.

So where is my balance? I’ve ended up so lost I don’t even recognize myself and I’ve disassociated to the point that I don’t recognize my own reflection or picture.

So who have I become? Who am I? I guess it’s time to reinvent myself. #Bipolar1Disorder #Bipolar1 #Bipolar #disassociate