emotionalrecovery

As I sit and reflect on 2018 and all the highs and the multitude of lows a few things really stand out. This was a hard year plain and simple. It pushed my limits physically, emotionally and spiritually to points that I have never experienced before. It was like the year of dark paths and sudden turns with change coming at every corner. It was a year of families ruthlessly turning on each other, friendships and relationships ending and years dedicated to ministry crumbling violently around me. It was a year of overwhelming loss as I watched loved family members depart from this world and enter the gateway of another. Watching this miraculous departure the intellect tells us that its time to let go but the heart just doesn't always understand.
This was a year of isolation and fear as the black cloud of depression started to slowly cover my eyes. The stark loneliness that only severe depression can bring invaded every part of my life as I helplessly watched it happen. Like a thief it robbed me of the things I value the most such as joy, peace, contentment and passion. It can only be described as seeing the world in black and white with muted grays while everyone around you sees the bright vibrant colors and beautiful signs of life. Depression robbed me of my creativity and desire to see a new day full of possibilities. I learned that in those times your focus is to survive every hour 60 min at a time. At times the sadness of is such a burden that merely existing is an accomplishment to be celebrated.
This year also taught me to recognize who stands with you in tough times... those people are your tribe. Also take note of the people who quietly collect their things and exit your life when the waters get deep and murky. Years like 2018 will separate the wheat and the tare, the weak and the strong and the participants in life verses the bystanders. I found my tribe this year and I thank God daily for bringing these souls into my life. God knew I needed people to speak life and hope into me. These people loved me when I felt hopeless and empty with nothing at all to give back. I was reminded by these precious souls that God is truly so good.
This year taught me many things and yes they were hard lessons to learn. I will enter into 2019 with life lessons that will serve me well as I look to the future. I have learned that love can change hearts and minds so love your friends and family well. You never know when that day may be your last. Invest in relationships that give you life and make you a better version of you. Never underestimate the value of the smallest actions that can propel change in someone else's life. Take every opportunity to be the catalyst that will change the course of someone's life for the better. Always invest in those that can give nothing in return. I thoroughly believe thats where the blessings truly lie.
Through it all God was still faithful and still in control. We are blessed and I am so eternally grateful.

Cuz even tho you hurt me, still miss you, "Dear Mama"

I wish you could have saved us from the pain and the drama

But now it's in my body, muscles tighten, I'm an arma-

dillo, every feel is like a trigger to my trauma

Now after all the beatings and the shrapnel, leaving battle wounds

Tunnel vision, shallow breath, can't think, I run my mouth too soon

Fire in my gut, my whole body, mind and thoughts consumed

Full panic, cry for help, verbal murder and I know I'm doomed

Depths of hell, seeing red, want to run, I cant, I'm frozen in

Time, the tape I can't escape on auto play, then loops again

Someone acts an' I flashback, I snap react I need to find a safe

Place to give my heart a chance to slow, and for my breath to pace

Legs nymb, hands asleep, I can't eat; my system ravaged

Fight or flight, but I freeze, I force feed what I can manage

Spine mangled, nerves tangled, jaw's stiffened, hypervigilence

Mind is hazy, shit is crazy, thoughts come in so fast they make no sense

All the anger, sense of danger seem like unprovoked attacks

Don't turn your back, it's not like that, it's like my brain's been hacked
#MySymptoms #Anxiety #PanicDisorder #Trauma #Childhoodtrauma #PTSD #CPTSD #adultchildrenofalcoholics #ChronicPain #emotionalrecovery