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Alone and depressed

I feel so alone in my world. My therapist is off this week. I've been fighting my depression for a long time. Feels like I'm being sucked back down the black hole. I have 0 energy for self care that involves me moving. I haven't even eaten yet today. Don't really have the words to explain any better than this. #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #DissociationDisorders #Emptynest


Social media

How many of you have considered coming off social media?
I find my depression is heightened through Facebook and Instagram.
I know it’s a false reality, and people only show their best bits.. but it often highlights what I feel is missing in my life and I’m constantly comparing myself to others. But then, if I came off social media, I would be worried I might feel lonely and even more disconnected from the world. Being 30 and childless hurts when all you see constantly are baby pictures, pregnancy announcements & happy families. It really hurts :(
#SocialMedia #Depression #Comparison #Jealousy #Childless #Emptynest #Emptiness #Heartache


Thoughts on 2018 #Depression #Anxiety # isolation #alone #sad #hopeless #2019 #NewYear #AbusiveRelationship #narcissistabuse #Narcissiticabuse #emotionalrecovery #emotionalstrength #Midlife #FeelingEmpty #Emptynest #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #Adultadd #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

As I sit and reflect on 2018 and all the highs and the multitude of lows a few things really stand out. This was a hard year plain and simple. It pushed my limits physically, emotionally and spiritually to points that I have never experienced before. It was like the year of dark paths and sudden turns with change coming at every corner. It was a year of families ruthlessly turning on each other, friendships and relationships ending and years dedicated to ministry crumbling violently around me. It was a year of overwhelming loss as I watched loved family members depart from this world and enter the gateway of another. Watching this miraculous departure the intellect tells us that its time to let go but the heart just doesn't always understand.
This was a year of isolation and fear as the black cloud of depression started to slowly cover my eyes. The stark loneliness that only severe depression can bring invaded every part of my life as I helplessly watched it happen. Like a thief it robbed me of the things I value the most such as joy, peace, contentment and passion. It can only be described as seeing the world in black and white with muted grays while everyone around you sees the bright vibrant colors and beautiful signs of life. Depression robbed me of my creativity and desire to see a new day full of possibilities. I learned that in those times your focus is to survive every hour 60 min at a time. At times the sadness of is such a burden that merely existing is an accomplishment to be celebrated.
This year also taught me to recognize who stands with you in tough times... those people are your tribe. Also take note of the people who quietly collect their things and exit your life when the waters get deep and murky. Years like 2018 will separate the wheat and the tare, the weak and the strong and the participants in life verses the bystanders. I found my tribe this year and I thank God daily for bringing these souls into my life. God knew I needed people to speak life and hope into me. These people loved me when I felt hopeless and empty with nothing at all to give back. I was reminded by these precious souls that God is truly so good.
This year taught me many things and yes they were hard lessons to learn. I will enter into 2019 with life lessons that will serve me well as I look to the future. I have learned that love can change hearts and minds so love your friends and family well. You never know when that day may be your last. Invest in relationships that give you life and make you a better version of you. Never underestimate the value of the smallest actions that can propel change in someone else's life. Take every opportunity to be the catalyst that will change the course of someone's life for the better. Always invest in those that can give nothing in return. I thoroughly believe thats where the blessings truly lie.
Through it all God was still faithful and still in control. We are blessed and I am so eternally grateful.