*Im open to listening to others.
“What do your parents look like ?”
I never thought such a simple question could put my mind in a spiral. I go to look at pictures of my biological mom and she is high or drunk in all of her pics... literally ALL of them. I can see it in her eyes. I almost got caught in a deep thought looking at them before just putting my phone down and continuing to pay attention to the other person.
When I had to block her, is when I realized how bad her mind has gotten. I got angry all over again wondering why can’t she just be level headed, but all the alcohol and medications are taking over and deteriorating her mental state. I’ve been watching her poison herself for years. As it gets worse, it never gets easier.
The other day I was driving and out of nowhere had a flashback of a time when she was sober, it was like a picture flash... we were laughing in the car on the way home from the beach. I’m not sure why that specific moment came back to me. Maybe it’s bc It was a moment I felt loved, she wasn’t on anything, the smiles were real and life seemed to be so much better for those few hours, maybe even a full day. I can’t remember but it was a moment/ day for us, a cherished moment since at the time I didn’t know there would be less moments like that as time went on.
As Thanksgiving approaches, I’ve been more irritable, I think cause I dont really have an outlet. At times it is hurting my heart to breathe, crying in silence, some nights I can’t get a good nights sleep, my appetite is going away. Slowly isolating myself, person by person so it doesn’t seem obvious, making excuses and lying about why I won’t see them for awhile. I just need time.
My GOAL is to make this the last Thanksgiving where I let the memory of her getting her Fix in front of me affect me. I was about 14 and she pulled over to make me drive cause she couldn’t wait to get high. My friend and baby brothers were in the back... all I could do was tear up, she would’ve gotten mad and told me I was just trying to get attention if I drew any to myself. I got myself together before finishing off that thanksgiving night and this specific holiday hasn’t really been the same since. None really have been since she left us.
But I’m 23 now and I shouldn’t let these things affect me the way the do, so I will continue to build a better life for myself, and work on my issues at hand.
#CPTSD #ChronicPain #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #adultchildrenofalcoholics #Therapy