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Cut my dad out of my life so got no parent anymore.

My dad has been emotionally and verbally abusive since mum died back in 2008. I can sympathise because he was dealing with alcoholism and his trauma but he just caused loads of damage to me growing up. I think we became abit Co dependant to be honest.
The last straw recently was him shouting and smashing a coffee jar up saying I'm a bitch, cunt, twat and even going as far as to say he'd kill me out of anger (he wouldn't but still can't believe he'd say that to me the night before my birthday).
It was my mums birthday the day before mine but I didn't deserve to be treated like that.
I'm abit stuck in my childhood to be honest and just stuck in that unhealthy way of thinking. Grieved my dad alot as a kid because I thought he'd die from drinking but now it's like grieving again for the parent you never had and thought you could have. #ACOA #adultchildrenofalcoholics

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#adultchildrenofalcoholics Resources

So I've been actively going to meetings for a few months now and today I learned about some resources that might be helpful for others who might be looking to do more with their own recovery.

The WSO send it a daily e-news letter with the daily meditation for the day. You can sign up here:

There is a team-up calendar with a lot of online meetings from around the world. It is a lot less overwhelming than trying to navigate the WSO page and everything there is up to date.


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Childhood Trauma Survivors.

I know telling these stories is hard. It really hurts some days. It feels like things will not get better.

Yet with each each word you are creating change. Our stories create a domino effect. They show others they are not alone. They give others the strength to step into their truth and begin to heal.

Telling my story has changed me. I thought that it would weaken me. That my vulnerability would leave me open to criticism. It didn’t.
Instead It showed me how strong I was. It created connections with other survivors, that helped me move forward. In my testimony I have discovered my strength.

I know how hard it is to tell that truth. Keep speaking out. You have the power to change the world.
#childhoodtrama #Addiction #MentalHealth #HealingVoices #adultchildrenofalcoholics

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Progress is hard

So I got into this step group in ACA. They have already started before I was invited to join so I'm a little behind. We are going through a workbook and I'm trying to answer the prompts, but the whole time my mind and my body are screaming "no!". I just don't want to do it. It's emotional and my mind is trying to lie to me again that I don't need to do this, it's to hard, I need to just ignore all of my feelings and keep running away. I hate it. I'm trying really hard to push through, but it just makes me feel yucky.

I am proud of myself for doing this, though, and I know it will pay off.

#adultchildrenofalcoholics #ACA #Depression #Anxiety #progressnotperfection


Feeling desperate and alone

I've been feeling really lonely lately. I don't have a lot of friends and since quarantine and not getting it much I see people even less. I live with my family, but I am painfully aware that everyone else has people they talk to outside of each other and that the people that I hold onto as my close friends don't consider us close anymore and have lots of other people they talk to. On top of that, I'm rounding it 1 year if being single since my partner left me.
I guess what gets me the most is that I want to do something about all of this and meet me people, but I have no idea how. And I have no idea how to learn. More, with everyone isolating and all of the rules about going out in public, it feels impossible to get anywhere with any of this. Yet somehow people are saying and finding partners and making new friends.
I was feeling crummy today so decided to message this guy I knew from a few years ago. I meant to a while ago and never had the time. Now I am sitting here feeling awful, waiting for a response and thinking that I can't even handle any relationship and should just give up, crawl into a home, and never get out. I hate this showing realized home I've found myself in.

#Depression #Anxiety #adultchildrenofalcoholics #alone

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Trauma: Holiday issues ? Memories ? Panic attacks ? #CheckInWithMe #52SmallThings

Feel free to weigh in or comment your story
( Back story on previous Question posts)
• So tonight my bio mom is flying in. Despite the panic attack I had recently from hearing her intoxicated voice I NEED to see my baby brother, I raised him from birth up until he was taken away, How could I not make that effort, From a mothers view your own feelings don’t matter when it comes to your kids and I stand on putting any child first!
• On the other hand I am scared to see her face, it kills you inside to watch someone slowly poison themselves, especially when it’s starting to show externally. She can’t even hide it anymore. I’m not even sure what hurts more, her cruelness or her disease but I feel like I can push those feelings of fear aside just for a few moments and hope I can get an hour with her sober, Ik it would have to be early in the AM. So maybe I can add to the few good memories. ( I got a rental car so I can leave and get a break from her any time I need too)
• To add a positive note... despite all the bs, I’ve been holding up my positive side very well lately. I’ve been trying to love and uplift others, show and give love in any way I can. She has pushed me to be the EXACT opposite of her, loving, caring, passionate, I’ve done the best I can to not hurt or be hurtful towards anyone I care about in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever have the ability to truly or purposely hurt anyone. I aim to be the best person I can be to everyone .

#Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #Migraine #SocialAnxiety #MentalHealth #adultchildrenofalcoholics #ChildAbuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Addiction #ChildLoss

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How do you Child Abuse survivors get through the holidays ? #CheckInWithMe #Migraine #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #52SmallThings

*Im open to listening to others.

“What do your parents look like ?”

I never thought such a simple question could put my mind in a spiral. I go to look at pictures of my biological mom and she is high or drunk in all of her pics... literally ALL of them. I can see it in her eyes. I almost got caught in a deep thought looking at them before just putting my phone down and continuing to pay attention to the other person.

When I had to block her, is when I realized how bad her mind has gotten. I got angry all over again wondering why can’t she just be level headed, but all the alcohol and medications are taking over and deteriorating her mental state. I’ve been watching her poison herself for years. As it gets worse, it never gets easier.

The other day I was driving and out of nowhere had a flashback of a time when she was sober, it was like a picture flash... we were laughing in the car on the way home from the beach. I’m not sure why that specific moment came back to me. Maybe it’s bc It was a moment I felt loved, she wasn’t on anything, the smiles were real and life seemed to be so much better for those few hours, maybe even a full day. I can’t remember but it was a moment/ day for us, a cherished moment since at the time I didn’t know there would be less moments like that as time went on.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I’ve been more irritable, I think cause I dont really have an outlet. At times it is hurting my heart to breathe, crying in silence, some nights I can’t get a good nights sleep, my appetite is going away. Slowly isolating myself, person by person so it doesn’t seem obvious, making excuses and lying about why I won’t see them for awhile. I just need time.

My GOAL is to make this the last Thanksgiving where I let the memory of her getting her Fix in front of me affect me. I was about 14 and she pulled over to make me drive cause she couldn’t wait to get high. My friend and baby brothers were in the back... all I could do was tear up, she would’ve gotten mad and told me I was just trying to get attention if I drew any to myself. I got myself together before finishing off that thanksgiving night and this specific holiday hasn’t really been the same since. None really have been since she left us.

But I’m 23 now and I shouldn’t let these things affect me the way the do, so I will continue to build a better life for myself, and work on my issues at hand.

#CPTSD #ChronicPain #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #adultchildrenofalcoholics #Therapy

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How else would you deal with an alcoholic mom ? Feel free to comment your experiences #52SmallThings

Last night I had to block my mom.
As time has progressed she has become more incoherent from the drinking/drugs and cruel. The only thing bringing me pain is the fact that my baby brother is suffering silently under her care. She is too clever for any proof to ever be brought to CPS. I hear the pain in his voice and the manipulation over the phone when she thinks I can’t hear her whispering and telling him what to say... she is doing to him exactly what she did to me. Training him to love and defend her, while at the same time threatening and belittling him, making him feel worthless.

I called to check on him, and she was so mean and said I had no reason to call him and starting talking down on me in front of him, telling him how I talk bad about his dad (amongst other things that truly didn’t even make sense nor have anything to do with the convo at hand), kept telling me I never meant anything to her, and how she wasn’t coming from NY for Christmas Bc I would “ ruin it all” ... she put my brother on the phone and told him I was the reason he wouldn’t get to see us ( She knows I’ve been looking forward to getting my boys back together) and he whispered “just don’t say anything sissy”

I sit and ask myself what else should I expect when this has been going on since she dropped me off on a door step. I lost all hope when she said I should’ve been flushed down the toilet AFTER I found out she slept with an Ex of mine. (His gf sent me screenshots of their messages)
BUT I still gave her another chance and tried to stay cordial so I could stay in contact with my baby.

The hardest part is not being able to show a single ounce of sadness over this due to the judgement of how I even let any of this affect me.

23yrs of Emotiona/Verbal abuse... Using the well-being of my brothers against me, I can now say I am beyond drained and heartbroken by her actions that I can’t take it anymore and have decided to block her indefinitely. I hope my baby boy forgives me, he’s only 9 and I have to leave him behind until I gather enough against her, I will still send him packages and cards so he knows I love him. #Depression #Anxiety #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #adultchildrenofalcoholics #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #PTSD #CheckInWithMe #Alcoholism #Addiction #CPTSD

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#Love #transparency #PTSD #empath #compassion #Depression #adultchildrenofalcoholics #Anxiety #Introvert #Therapy #SleepApnea

The world needs more love, people need to be kind, more loving, less hateful. More understanding and less judgement. No matter the circumstances continue to show love... someone, or anyone might need it.


#PTSD #triggers #AbuseSurvivors #adultchildrenofalcoholics

Perhaps it’s healthy to practice gratitude towards what your attacker (if assaulted) taught you from the struggle? Or is that forcing myself (my brain) into having gratitude to try to speed up the process in a non effective way like before #PTSD ? Or is the fact I can find it a step closer to #Acceptance #Forgiveness #RadicalAcceptance a positive thing and I should do it?