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Having a bad time... again. #Depression

I had this app once before but deleted it when I was doing better.

Now the really bad times have come back and I am struggling pretty hard... its kinda funny because I felt like I had a pretty good day yesterday but then when I had insomnia last night/this morning my brain wouldn’t stop buzzing and telling me that everyone hates me and I have no friends and I would be doing everyone a favor if I just died.

I fought it for a long time. I was crying off and on the whole time and set reminders on my phone to pop up with a message every hour telling me “You are loved”. I took a xanax to try and calm down (I take then very rarely and only in the worst of the worst of times) and it didn’t do anything and I just laid awake until 6am hating myself and crying.

Finally, I fell asleep.

But then I woke up today feeling exactly the same way. The whole time I was so upset last night I was trying to rationalize and tell myself, you’re fine, you’re just tired. You just need to go to sleep and this will all go away by tomorrow. It didn’t.

I woke up at like, 3pm and tried to do go about my day and do normal things. But already everything had a shitty miserable slant to it and the weak little patch my sleep put on the shitty feelings broke and I am back in bed and crying again.

I tried to do something nice for my roommates because the hall their rooms are in are really dark, so I bought some battery powered lights to hang in the hall that turn on when triggered by motion. I get up to use the bathroom and notice the light I put up sitting on the kitchen table and just got sad. I asked about it and he says it was just blinding him. And then had nothing but criticism for the other lights I set up. Not offering to help redo stuff together, just told me to fix everything I did and I just felt so crushed.

Logically, I know that I wouldn’t feel so shitty about it and they’re all valid thoughts and feelings of his own, everything just hits harder when I am in such a miserable state.

None of my misery is anyone else’s fault but my own.

But, man, I feel so lonely and shitty and I feel like I can’t reach out to anyone because my brain is telling me I am a piece of garbage and I should leave everyone alone. I am desperate for distraction to get out of my own head but I can’t reach out to anyone because I can’t top telling myself that everyone hates me and I am a burden.

So, I am a 34 year old fucking adult human being and I am sitting in bed and crying and I’ve self harmed for the first time in almost a year. I feel like I did back when I was a teenager and dealing with all this garbage with no tools. Here I am, with tools, and it happened again anyway.

I feel like a failure and a weak person. #Selfharm #feelingsodisappointedinmyself #Loneliness #SuicidalThoughts


Don’t think I’m ever going to be ok #Dontfitin #ThinkingTooMuch

As I sit here in my Flat in England 6000 kms away from anyone and anything familiar, I think I am never going to be ok.
I have tried everything to “fit in” and it has not helped. I really think I need to unplug from society. So tired of over thinking to
the point I get physically ill. I question everything, even the times I feel good, like I am not supposed to ever feel anything. #feelingsodisappointedinmyself #depressionsucks


Does anyone else feel guilty for not being able to do much housework? #feelingsodisappointedinmyself

Aside from chronic pain RA Fibromyalgia and Hypothyroidism, I have some other things. I have an extra Vertebrae in my lower back. This makes it hard to vacuum, bend over and walk or stand for a short period of time. I have chronic pancreatitis. Migraines, which don’t come with a warning. My mom has Renal cell carcinoma which has metastasized to her lungs, pancreas, liver and one remaining kidney. She is amazing. She still works. She takes care of my dad and older brother. She is our family leader and strength. I wish I could be more like her.


Mum Won't Come Home #Poetry #Disability #Family

My mum won't come home,
Because the house is a mess.
My mum won't come home,
Because it causes her stress.

My mum won't come home,
Because she hates this house.
It is my fault we are stuck here,
I know that now.

Moving out scares me a lot,
Mostly because of the help I require.
But it might be the only way to make,
All there lives a little lighter.

I don't know what to do,
I feel out of options.
My families in a living hell,
And it is my fault we got here.

#Poetry #feelingsodisappointedinmyself #theywouldbebetteroffwithoutme #Depression #Disability #idependenceisscary

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I need hugs. I need to not be alone. I cannot get either.

I’m scared and alone and have no idea how or what will help or change me. I was told by a close family member recently that despite my saying that I’d like to be around her family, she thinks that I actually would not be able to accept the enthusiasm and positivity in their environment. #FeelingAlone #feelingforgotten #feelinguselesss #feelingsodisappointedinmyself


My daughters think I have #BPD

I duscussed it with my family Doctor and he has me filling out questionnaires I cant seem to get any real help
My husband had to call the police on me one day I was threatening to kill myself
He was terrified

1 comment