After having a very good day yesterday, after getting off work early this morning, I felt overwhelmingly isolated. There are people that I want to be with, but they seem to be gone when I’m at my lowest. It seems like for every week in the past month I’ll have one or two days that feel sunny and enjoyable, then it’s back to the heavy void that hangs over me. I felt very hollow, I couldn’t bring myself to cry because I cried so long and so hard earlier this week. Yet again, I’ve done that at least once a week in the past month. I have opened up about how I’ve been feeling, but I feel as if this cup of emotions that gets dumped out gets overflowed immediately after. I can’t seem to escape this dark fog, even though there are times when rays of light shine through, it leaves the next day and it gets all the more darker than before. I know I can’t wallow in my sadness because the world will continue to go round regardless of my feeling sad, so I feel that I have pick up the pieces to “function at the office” so to speak. I mainly do this because I feel it’s what I’m supposed to do, I go about life to smile in public and fall apart in private. I’ve come to realize that I do certain things to try to fill the void, mainly buying things just to “feel better “. It was something I could never figure out... When all is well, I keep it all in check, but when it’s bad (and continues to get bad), I will do any and everything to just have “happiness”. I never blow it all at once, it’s more like this: “I feel awful...” * I’ll buy this book** I’ll buy this bag*, here and there, etc. Sadly, I’m more apt to buy “happiness” than to ask for a hug or attention because I’m my mind it’s not always available to me. We all have our own lives and deal with various things that I often conclude that I’d be better off shouldering my own load so that I won’t be a burden to someone else who may not want to be bothered. I do think a lot of my woes are self inflicted, but when I do want help, there’s something inside me that prohibits me from speaking up, puts me down for wanting help, and suggests that I continue to harden my outer shell so that I can’t let the world see me vulnerable (or weak). #Depression #NegativeThinking #NegativeThoughts #Isolation #Sadness #Emptiness #findinghappiness
#hurt #feelings
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