Fragmented

The whole last week I wanted to recover so bad.
Today when I woke up, I had motivation.
Then my bpd kicked in and I don’t want this life anymore. I just want to end. To fade away.
Why should I live the way I live if it’s not the life I want?
But I can’t change anything. I have to wait until the shittiest parts are over.

But I’m so tired of waiting, tired of trying, tired of understanding everyone. Tired of being kind, tired of being nice to me. It’s exhausting. I’m so used to treat myself like shit, that my brain thinks that I can’t allow myself to love me.

I just can’t.

My whole life I was told to just shut up, work and be a doll for my parents.
Now I live alone in my own apartment and have a girlfriend. She helps me a lot, but there are still days and weeks where I feel alone or unwanted.
Sometimes I trigger myself without knowing, and after that I have to put myself together; although I did it to myself.
I’m tired of sticking my parts together, because I don’t know how many glue is left.

I don’t know, honestly. Sometimes I feel good and happy, but the most time I’m sad and angry because everyone failed and hurt me.
I’m angry at my parents, I’m angry at the world.

I just want a better life. Please God, hear me.
Please heal my wound.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #bps #moodswings #SuicidalThoughts #anger

#Grief

I have been grieving for a very long time. I try to be practical and go through the motions I think I’m supposed to move through it. I have brief moments of clarity thinking I understand what I’m dealing with and then I have days like this. Days of complete emotional confusion and conflict. Where there seems to be a huge exhausting tangle of emotions and a overwhelming sense of loss.

Why do I feel so much guilt and shame that I’m not moving through this grief the way I’m supposed to? I believe I can’t even grieve properly according to some arbitrary authority that I can’t even identify.

Am I grieving that my father passed away on July 29th 2021?

A man who only talked about his legacy of his work. His only life’s purpose. That was one last conversations with him. The conversation where he went on and on about a book that would be a culmination of all his professional accomplishments. It consumed him. There was no mention of his wife of 59 years or his 4 children fit into anything.

Am I grieving my cat who died on July 13 2021?

He was my only constant of unconditional love for 15 years.

Am I grieving the loss of the end of some unhealthy unsupportive friendships? Their true colours surfaced during Covid.

Am I still grieving my last romantic relationship that ended in 2015 when I stopped believing narcissistic lies of his unhealthy love?

Am I grieving the intangible loss of having any expectation getting what I was supposed to get from my parents and siblings growing up.

I have always had huge hole where there is supposed to be something. That something is so intangible. I think it’s the knowledge/capacity of how to build and maintain healthy emotional connections with other human beings. I really do not know how. I’m truly disconnected and fragmented. Deep down I really do believe I’m missing integral parts that are needed to make these connections possible. I have become comfortable in my isolation.

I feel so much guilt and shame to have to admit this. Why???

#MightyPoets
The mask I wear ...

Looking in the mirror, I see nothing in the morning light -
There’s only a faint shadow, a shape that’s unidentifiable -
It steps through the door and starts to form into something -
What is it? I don’t know -
It becomes more solid, and takes a more human shape -
The reflection in the bus window shows a body and face with a mask -
Showing a caricature of a smile -
If seen close up its cracking around the edges and doesn’t reach the eyes -
A stranger asks how are you, the reply is always the same;
“I’m fine, doing great. It’s a beautiful day!” -
The stranger seems familiar, they have been here before -
The people around do not see anything amiss -
I guess the stranger is familiar to them, the norm -
Some return the smile, some fake, some genuine, others look right through it -
Throughout the day, people interact with the stranger, nothing seems strange -
The stranger responds, they seem to know what they’re doing
I'm still trying to figure out why the stranger seems familiar -
Someone starts calling a name, has to repeat it several times -
The stranger seems startled as if waking up out of a daze
I look at the reflection in the office window and gasp
I realize the stranger, the shadow wearing the mask is me

#MightyPoets #Depression #Fragmented