I don’t think I can ever like myself #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Fragmented #Selfblame #ChronicDepression #givingup
The whole last week I wanted to recover so bad.
Today when I woke up, I had motivation.
Then my bpd kicked in and I don’t want this life anymore. I just want to end. To fade away.
Why should I live the way I live if it’s not the life I want?
But I can’t change anything. I have to wait until the shittiest parts are over.
But I’m so tired of waiting, tired of trying, tired of understanding everyone. Tired of being kind, tired of being nice to me. It’s exhausting. I’m so used to treat myself like shit, that my brain thinks that I can’t allow myself to love me.
I just can’t.
My whole life I was told to just shut up, work and be a doll for my parents.
Now I live alone in my own apartment and have a girlfriend. She helps me a lot, but there are still days and weeks where I feel alone or unwanted.
Sometimes I trigger myself without knowing, and after that I have to put myself together; although I did it to myself.
I’m tired of sticking my parts together, because I don’t know how many glue is left.
I don’t know, honestly. Sometimes I feel good and happy, but the most time I’m sad and angry because everyone failed and hurt me.
I’m angry at my parents, I’m angry at the world.
I just want a better life. Please God, hear me.
Please heal my wound.