Hypomania

I am 42 years old and have suffered with my mental health since I was in my late teens, and have been on and off medication ever since. I live in the UK, so mental health services are patchy at best.

It got extremely bad during COVID, and I was put on antipsychotics.

The past two years, everything has gotten so much worse, where before it was mostly anxiety and when I had mood changes, they were short-lived, and I could hide it from people, now it's not like that.

When my mood changes now, it's so much more intense, for about a day I feel great and almost excited, then I literally stop sleeping sometimes for days, I just sit there all night with my thoughts racing, some nights I can’t even sit as I feel so edgy. People at work will complain about my behaviour because, despite feeling like I'm full of energy, I can’t focus, and I become snappy and angry. In the past year, I have lost friendships I have had for decades because of my thoughts and behaviours, which at the time feel like I'm the victim. By the time I realise what an idiot I'm being, it's too late, I can’t change the past, and I end up getting so depressed and hating myself.

Last year, when I had a turn, I was convinced my best friend's husband was being abusive to her. I had no proof, but in my head it was so real and I felt I had to tell everyone to help her. We had been friends for over 20 years, and I destroyed it in a couple of days.

I have tried to talk to my Doctor, who refers me to my local mental health service, who each time up my doses and discharge me. In fact, at the last appointment, they told me they couldn’t increase them anymore as I was at the maximum.

The last time I had a bad turn I felt I had to do something quick before I lose my job so I used my savings and saw a private psychiatrist and I took all the medical history my family doctor could provide, He didn’t say much about what he thought was wrong when I was there but in the report he sent to my doctor and myself it stated “history indicates a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder given his episodes of hypomania poor response to antidepressants and family history” he advised my doctor to slowly reduce and discontinue my antidepressants and transition onto a more appropriate antipsychotic. He also advised monthly check-ups, but all of this was just ignored.

Again, I was sent back to my local mental health services, who just reduced some of the dosages of my current medication and said they don’t think it's Bipolar but gave no indication of what it could be.

I told them I felt I would be better off dead, but they truly didn’t seem that bothered and told me to come back in two months if I was still having issues.

I feel like I have reached the end. I have daily anxiety that makes it hard just to leave the house for work. I live in fear every time I feel slightly happy or sad that I'm about to lose my job and my last few friends.

I don’t see any future for myself, my emotions are mixed, is it Bipolar and I'm going to be like this for life most probably on medication that's making it worse or are my local mental health service right and its not and I just carry on living a lonely miserable existence on a path of self destruction.

The sudden impulse. You are working, and you feel the need to splurge. "Go ahead, it's just a few minor purchases", your brain tells you. "They'll be alright, you can pester them", it adds. You check yourself. How much have you had to eat? When did you go to sleep last night? Did you have to exert yourself a lot at work?

Hypomania is one of the toughest, most complex, and misrepresented symptoms of mental illness. It requires extensive treatment, and is not a laughing matter. In fact, persons with bipolar disorder who experience hypomania are in need of psychiatric care.

Persons with hypomania often find it extremely hard to get others to understand their condition. The most common misconceptions they have to deal with are that hypomania is a sort of positive side to their character, and that it is otherwise under control. Hypomania is often dismissed as low intellectual ability, or neurodivergence. This misconception is based on the fact that persons with hypomania experience positive emotions for an extended period of time, that is not within their immediate neurological control.

Hypomania is subject to severe social stigma, preventing people experiencing symptoms from raising awareness for their condition. Persons may be targets of bullying, harassment, or even criminal activity.

As a person with bipolar disorder, I want to spread awareness by being open about the reality that persons with symptoms of hypomania face. Instead of being provided support, patience, and understanding, they are subject to stigma, ostracism and harassment.
#BipolarDisorder

So it’s been a few years, okay wait - a lifetime. Of “Oooh, and Ah Hah, and that makes sense” moments.

So Fucking what.

The Diagnosis 3 years ago doesn’t change anything. I’m still the same me, right?!

GIRL! Bless Your Heart. You are Mighty Wrong.

Yes, innately you may have always known, something was off and didn’t add up. You may have equipped it to your Childhood Trauma and fast forward blame it on your Trine Water Sign..but listen.

The Power is Now in Your Hands.

Let me Repeat….

The POWER is NOW in YOUR HANDS.

Hypomania, Depression, Dips and Dives, High and Low Tides..Diagnoses…ALL of it is in your full control.

Tale the Meds. It’s what they tell me. So I do and I don’t and I do again and don’t again.

Until, enough is enough.

I'm Worthy, Intelligent, Kind, Generous, Loyal, Responsible, Respectful, Patient, Spiritual, Artistic, Funny, Loving, Honest and MOST importantly AUTHENTIC.

Oh Sweet Authenticity…she always has my back.

Mostly, I’m tired of pretending to be “I’m good!” - when asked how are you, while experiencing my challenging days.

Mostly, I’m tired of pretending to be “Happy!” on my dip/low days.

Mostly, I’m tired of being “baseline” when consistent on my meds, all the while my body is craving a night out, cold Bourbons and bad decisions, lots of dance parties kinda night.

Mostly, I’m just tired. Tired of hiding my Authentic self.

#MentalHealth #mentalwellbeing #BipolarDisorder #authentic

I technically know I’ll get better meds eventually, maybe even very soon, but I’m really struggling today.
My psychiatrist prescribed me an atypical antipsychotic for agitation, and it helped so so much. I felt so grounded and calm and normal at work and productive at home. I stopped continuously listening to podcasts and playing video games. Most importantly, the intense feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin, or dysphoria, went away. I just liked being in my brain again.
I got to feel this way for like 4 days, and it gave me so much hope.

But I had to stop taking it because it gave me intense eye strain while driving to work, and I didn’t feel safe on my 40 min commute. I don’t know how to describe how tempting it was to take it anyways, but I know it’s a driving hazard, and not necessarily likely to go away. Changing dose or time of day didn’t help, so I stopped taking it.

Honestly coping skills don’t really feel worth it right now, when medication fixed 90% of the problem. Now that I’ve stopped there’s nothing I can do to make this buzzing, dysphoric feeling go away, only distract myself from it and keep functioning. Hopefully on Monday I can get in touch with my psychiatrist, and she’s willing to try something very similar.

Sorry this was a long post. I just really needed to vent. I dont have a super trusting relationship with my psychiatrist, because she keeps recommending antidepressants and doesn’t like to use the word bipolar with me. I understand because I probably don’t have bipolar I, and sometimes people with bipolar can take antidepressants, but it makes me worried. Our last session went better because I was able to describe the agitation and she completely understood it, but it’s still all new. The person who did my evaluation did diagnose me with unspecified bipolar, and I strongly agree with that diagnosis. I think my communication with that psychiatrist will improve with time, though.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I guess I just want validation for giving up on trying to make this feeling go away, when so far only medication (or sometimes time) makes it go away. I just hate being in my brain right now, and it has no connection to my thoughts or emotions at all. I’m just buzzing with “mild” distress, from as soon as I gain consciousness in the morning until I’m comepletely asleep at night, and I don’t even know how to share this kinda thing with coworkers and friends. #Hypomania #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth