Hypomania

I technically know I’ll get better meds eventually, maybe even very soon, but I’m really struggling today.
My psychiatrist prescribed me an atypical antipsychotic for agitation, and it helped so so much. I felt so grounded and calm and normal at work and productive at home. I stopped continuously listening to podcasts and playing video games. Most importantly, the intense feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin, or dysphoria, went away. I just liked being in my brain again.
I got to feel this way for like 4 days, and it gave me so much hope.

But I had to stop taking it because it gave me intense eye strain while driving to work, and I didn’t feel safe on my 40 min commute. I don’t know how to describe how tempting it was to take it anyways, but I know it’s a driving hazard, and not necessarily likely to go away. Changing dose or time of day didn’t help, so I stopped taking it.

Honestly coping skills don’t really feel worth it right now, when medication fixed 90% of the problem. Now that I’ve stopped there’s nothing I can do to make this buzzing, dysphoric feeling go away, only distract myself from it and keep functioning. Hopefully on Monday I can get in touch with my psychiatrist, and she’s willing to try something very similar.

Sorry this was a long post. I just really needed to vent. I dont have a super trusting relationship with my psychiatrist, because she keeps recommending antidepressants and doesn’t like to use the word bipolar with me. I understand because I probably don’t have bipolar I, and sometimes people with bipolar can take antidepressants, but it makes me worried. Our last session went better because I was able to describe the agitation and she completely understood it, but it’s still all new. The person who did my evaluation did diagnose me with unspecified bipolar, and I strongly agree with that diagnosis. I think my communication with that psychiatrist will improve with time, though.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I guess I just want validation for giving up on trying to make this feeling go away, when so far only medication (or sometimes time) makes it go away. I just hate being in my brain right now, and it has no connection to my thoughts or emotions at all. I’m just buzzing with “mild” distress, from as soon as I gain consciousness in the morning until I’m comepletely asleep at night, and I don’t even know how to share this kinda thing with coworkers and friends. #Hypomania #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth

I had a good therapy appointment today. He saw my hypomania in full force. I was talking a mile a minute wouldn’t let him get a word in edge wise. I kept saying I am Superman I can fly off the building and be free. I was serious about that too. I said I felt like Fred Astaire full of energy ready to dance in traffic. I just feel invincible like no one can touch me. I feel drawn to a river that I see on my walk. I just want to jump in even though I can’t swim. I was overly excited about the song knowing it was from my dad. Felt very wired couldn’t sit still. I told him my racing thoughts make me draw. I see or hear something I immediately have to draw it. In our session my thoughts felt like someone was changing the radio and all the songs were jumbling together. I was safe

I’m currently in the diagnosis stage for bipolar though I’m 99% sure I have bipolar 2.
I’m having the worst mixed hypomania episode that I can remember. This is in combo with recent SLE dx and some autoimmune gut issues-likely IBS/Crohns.

I’m really feeling at my lowest. I’m scared to take my SLE meds because of my gut & liver issues. I’ve just been thugging it out through the the body aches & pain.

I haven’t talked about any of this with friends and family. I don’t feel safe being vulnerable to this degree. In the past, it’s been dismissed or I’ve been cut off or relied on someone not healthy for me.

Finally seeking treatment because I’m tired of hating myself, not trusting myself and having to trust someone else to care for me.
I’d like to be able to know if I having exaggerated feelings or if someone is actually being rude/cruel to me.
I’d like to be able to let someone know I’m having a Hypo episode and ask for what I need.
I’d like to be able to ask for help and not push it away.

My husband was salty to me tonight and I feel like he murdered my kittens. I dissociated and now I’m bouncing between guilt and rage.

I’m a mess. I know meds, treatment, therapy won’t change all of this but I’m hoping for some brighter days once I get the help I need. Thanks for coming to my pity party pep talk.

#Bipolar2 #SystemicLupusErythematosus