Am I chasing (hypo)mania?
Yesterday I wake up early, felt good, two hours later anxiety and depression crippled in.
The history of my life is that I can never feel good about something for a consistent amount of time. I feel like anxiety will just hop in. I think in theory I developed anxiety to protect myself from bad stuff happening, but it has really take my life from me.
On the other hand I am questioning myself if I am chasing hypomania. I took meds regarding bipolar 2 for 4 years. I wasn't the best client cause I went back for 2 times, then it was pandemics, I wasnt comfortable doing video. But I kept the medication.
With the meds I didn't feel suicidal, I had sometimes thoughts like "my end will be suicide, it is just a fact" and I even thought of methods, but this was all rational, no that crying end of the line depression.
I also am an optimistic. So I had periods I have ideas, and think things will workout, but they are very short lived. I don't think you can say they are proper hypomania because I will be very excited for the next day during the evening, but the next day comes and all sort of bad thoughts come around.
Inside the anxiety there is OCD. I have mental lists, they are not the typical OCD ones (checking doors, washing hands) but are in someway related to organize stuff and thoughts. I waste a lot of times trying to make my life coincide with my mental lists. I know it is insane, but I makes me feel safe, but it also makes me not live life.
I'm at the start of my second week back to lithium. Feeling good, feeling bad, a bit like I was before. I go back to the doctor in one month.
You see, I right now don't want to kill myself, but my rational mind tells me that if life will be like that going further, and it will get worse if it goes like that, I will have to kill myself because I can't live like that.
I needs that motivation when I have it, to stay with me. I'm not talking of thinking I am superman, but I want to feel I can do stuff, and I feel it, but it last so little.
It feels like my navigation system is broke. If I can trust when I feel good about something, because it might be a lie if in a few hours I feel anxiety and see all the problems with the idea. It is not about thinking it over, I think too much, if thinking would help me I would be the happiest man alive. In fact sometimes I wish I didn't think.