I

I've never felt more like shit in my life. I've had very unpleasant moments before, but this surpasses them all; I'm deeply depressed. I would never kill myself—I find it a stupid solution to a temporary problem and a lack of appreciation for life. However, I was on the bus on my way to the cardiologist, listening to this Lil Wayne song, “Let It All Work Out.” When I heard those last bars, I felt, just for a second, how miserable I am with such clarity, as if all those barriers between your conscious and unconscious mind that protect you from losing your sanity had disappeared. I wondered what it must feel like to end it all. I think it would probably be a beautiful inner peace, something I haven’t felt in many years.

For a couple of years now, I haven’t felt like a healthy young person. It all started around my first COVID vaccine, about three and a half years ago, I think. I began to get sick every two months, had myocarditis, and I slept through half of my classes in school—a very demanding French school that caused me even more stress because I couldn’t keep up. Also, I’ve never been mentally at peace; since I was a kid, I’ve had a lot of OCD. My mind was always overwhelmed with obsessive thoughts, preventing me from acting normally. I was able to control it with medication, but that doesn’t take away the constant, irrational thoughts that stop me from ever being completely calm.

Then there are the stresses of my relationship with my mom, with whom I clash often due to our very different personalities, and my dad, whom I barely see because he lives in another country, so we have to keep a long-distance relationship. My self-esteem was always low if I wasn’t with someone, but I could never maintain a relationship because my interest never lasted, so I’d have to move on to someone else. Despite all this, I wasn’t entirely unhappy because I thought I’d eventually reach my goals, live amazing experiences, and that everything would heal with time.

But then my whole lifestyle fell apart. Last December, I got sick the day before my graduation party, which I attended anyway. A week went by, and I was still sick. I went to the clinic, and they told me I had COVID. I thought, “No wonder I feel so bad,” and that I’d be fine in a week. That never happened. Since then, I’ve felt sick every day, every damn day. Some days were worse than others, but it was like that 24/7. I went to 20 different doctors, took an absurd number of tests, and no one knew what I had. I spent 11 months like that, with the uncertainty of not knowing what could be wrong. Despite this, I managed to stay relatively patient because I refused to think that whatever I had wouldn’t be curable.

Then a cardiologist gave me my first clue. I had already seen two other cardiologists, but this one specialized in dysautonomia and told me I had all the symptoms of this condition. "Condition" means there’s no cure; you can control it with medication, but it’s not immediate. It’s a process of trial and error, as there are many types of dysautonomia. When I found out a couple of days ago, I honestly didn’t know if my future would be as fantastic as I thought. Now, I’ll never be able to drink recklessly, will have to limit my smoking, will never do MMA again, and just won’t have the energy of a normal person anymore.

And the cherry on top is that just a month ago, I met a girl I felt comfortable with. She stayed at my place four times; I was enjoying the process and looked forward to seeing her each time she left. Then she messaged me saying she didn’t want to meet up as often and wasn’t looking for anything serious. #I am completely defeated by my existence; I can say I’ve hit rock bottom. I don’t know what’s next for me. I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet, but it’s pretty clear what I have since I’ve ruled out most other possibilities.

I don’t know why I’m writing this; maybe it’s because I want someone to listen, or simply to archive my story on the internet. What do you think? What would you recommend? I’m all ears.

By the way, my name is Teo, I was born in the United States but grew up in Chile, and I’m 20 years old. Cheers!

P.S. I understand English perfectly, but writing is hard, so I asked ChatGPT to translate this from Spanish to English. I hope it makes sense.

I am 51 years of age now and have been fighting this for almost 40 years. I feel useless all the time. When I was 15 I had my first suicide attempt. Was in a facility for 30 days. I’ve had other stays since. At 16 started underage drinking and experimented with crack, cocaine and weed. Then stopped went in the Army during Desert Storm. Over 30 years on and off substance abuse. My wife always there to fight with me . Now I’m not sure I want to keep fighting anymore. When I think I am doing something right it’s not and definitely when I do something wrong it’s wrong. #useless #hopeless #I hate life
#Depression

#I woke up with a cold and it’s bad and why not test for covid yup positive and I don’t want to go in hopefully I might have to if my breathing gets worse
Thanks for listening

#I have been living with schizophrenia for almost 40 years. I have found that many people have the common misconception that just because someone is a mental health professional, they are able to speak with authority on any mental health condition. This is like saying that because someone is an MD he can function as a general practitioner one day, a brain surgeon the next, perform open heart surgery the following day and just for good measure do a liver transplant the next. Dealing with psychosis requires a special skill set that most mental health professionals simply don't have. In their ignorance many of them think that they are qualified to deal with psychosis simply because they are mental health professionals and psychosis is a mental health issue.#MentalHealth #Psychosis #BipolarDisorder #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Schizophrenia #MedicalProfessionals

#I went to help somebody and I got a message permission denied

#I don't talk to her anymore because I hate reenacting the emotional neglect, the emotional distance, the disrespect, the contempt, the patronizing, the one-way conversation where only she gets to talk, and I only listen. There's a lack of love, a lack of curiosity, a lack of cherishing, carelessness, and the way she implies not loving me, not caring about me, thinking I am stupid, unworthy, or ridiculous, that if she could really choose, she would never have chosen me in the first place. If she could choose, I might not have been born. And I love my life, and I am learning to love myself because I wasn't loved. So, goodbye. I come first. My life matters, which is different from what you may think. Getting away from you is the biggest 'YES' to life that I can have, that's honoring life. I didn't have a mother when I was a child. That's it. I get to choose who will mother me now, in different ways.

#PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #neglect #MentalHealth

#chronic Fatigue
#let 's Talk Depression
#MyalgicEncephalomyelitis
#losing my Mind
What do you do when you're just done? When you don't care about who you hurt when you leave, you're just done.
#I 'm Fucking Done
#time To Be With My Angel Love

#I I have ptsd plus a seizure risk. Today it was warm. Husband and I walked dogs. I needed to go in. I knew I had reached my heat tolerance. My husband said I only need a minute of your time. Anger. I said nothing went in. I may have a potential lomatrigine toxicity due to my dosage of sertraline. I immediately reduced my dose of sertraline. Doctor appt on 8/7. Sertraline has a half life of 66 hours. I need to keep my nervous system quiet. Later of course my husband says again you are not happy. He says it affects him. No one has the right to define my reality. I am happy. Content. But I am quiet. Later we had a shouring argument. I have been through this all my life. You are wrong you don't do this this and this. The truth- I have been seizure free 9+ years. I am also a retired nurse- was RN. I research do my best doing what my doctors say. My husband is a veteran. He has ptsd also but denies it. He is not sleeping. Many years. Now it is worse. I sleep. He complains about our dogs. My documented ESAs. They are active. Attention seeking. Protective. They give us kisses. They also have separation anxiety. I am taking a hard look at this. He expects people to do what they say. I should not have yelled. But thus dynamic repeats. It is always my fault. I need to decide if this is worth it. If he is. Any comments insight appreciated. He will not get help. Refused couples counseling over and over. My paternal grandfather died from epilepsy. I am his legacy. Through hard work compliance with doctors orders