I feel like I'm becoming useless....
It happened. And I never thought that this day would come and how hurt I will feel… he let me go because I am not independent on my own and couldn’t find a job. I tried SO hard to make it work with my art. But I am a struggling artist. He just Couldn’t take it anymore. He told me he was thinking about ending things with me for months, sleepness nights etc. I’m 28 and This was my first boyfriend and partner. We were together 4 years. I just moved back to my parents as I had nowhere else go. Unpacking mu things halfway through and I started breaking down again. I feel so broken. So useless and lost. I don’t know what to do, what to feel, where to go. I am so scared. I just want to cry and hide from the world. I feel like i am not going to make it. I feel beyond repair. I feel shattered. #breakup #heartbreak #Heartbroken #lost #hurt #useless #scared #Broken #Shattered
"What did even you do the whole day? Huh?"
" Don't you get tired of just laying in the bed?"
" We can't just sit idle like you. Idk how you do that 😆"
"Why are you so lazy? "
"Why are you not doing any job? Your father is an old man now. Don't you think about him? "
"As you are free and sit idly everytime, why don't you just be the nanny of the child and I'll pay you for that? " ( i hate to babysit)
"So how is staying at home all the day? I just can't imagine what it is like to live like you😆"
"You think so negatively. You are a pessimist."
"Sleeping queen. Ungrateful child"
"You are a financial burden to me. You are the cause of the most of the expenses in this house"
" You don't need to study further. It's enough."
"Why did God give me a daughter like you? "
(and the list goes on)
It is 9.38am, and I am still in bed. I have work to do, but I don't feel like doing it. I know that a walk outside now will help, but I don't want to walk alone. I want to just end this. I want to reach out to my friends to tell them how I feel but I don't want to trouble or impose on anyone. It is a Sunday morning and I am a 41 year old. Surely, I can do better than imposing on people who matter to me? I want to end this rut. This useless pain. But I want to hold on too, to see if things will get better. What do I want? #useless #Depression #darkthoughts
I have my end semester exams this week. But I have no energy to study.
I am so useless.
I could never be a source of pride for my parents.
I am a burden to them, financially and mentally.
Why am I like this?
I just posted that I have been doing photography again as art therapy to help distract me from the depression. It is helping, but it is only short-term temporary relief.
I have also been in a lot of pain and discomfort with my back, so when I do go out to photograph things I really feel it afterwards. It also effects my job where I do a lot of bending and getting into abnormal positions.
My mind has been a big problem as well. I am having huge problems with focus, attention and retention. I get easily distracted which makes things take longer to do because I am constantly having to refocus. It is so aggravating. I am so frustrated with this. It effects everything I do in life, including the photography. I have seen doctors about this for years and have taken every medication to treat these problems. Nothing has worked. It has even gotten worse, especially after having ECT treatments.
I am really struggling and feeling hopeless and useless. What has really been frustrating and aggravating is that friends, doctors, therapists and well wishers all tell me this is all temporary and things will get better. Sometimes they do, but I always seem to end up struggling again. This has been anything but temporary. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for more than 40 years. I keep looking forward to better times. I have been let down so many times I don't look forward anymore.
What is it called when you are told your whole childhood that "you need to serve a purpose because that is all a man is good for" by a mom with some obvious issues?
Then as you roll into middle age/empty nest life, you have run out of purpose and are feeling depressed about it?
Also, anyone have any ideas on how to fix this? I have enough to be depressed about.
Not even 2 months with a new Doctor and ready to change again! Its the staff. They screwed up and tried to blame me!
I have been on top of communicating with them because of my last Drs office staff and their lack of communication skills. So when I was told ( by some nameless woman) that my prescription was changed and I was told that- I got angry. When she continued to speak over me- I thought, time for a new Dr.
Eventually, she let me speak and learned it was their mistake, but apologized by saying sorry for "X's" mistake. She wanted to be sure she named the staff member that made the mistake (hard eyeroll).
I am sick of these people that immediately BLAME the patient.
Probably not going to get a different experience changing doctors in my community- this small town has more corruption than D.C.
HIPAA laws seem to not exist here. Every pharmacy here has screwed up my prescriptions- and when did broken pills lose its red flag status ? How am I to trust a pharmacy that cannot properly count out my prescription when there are broken pieces??
That's a Huge red flag.
I do not understand why more folks aren't speaking up!
You want to know more about where I live? Just watch Netflix's Manhunter series featuring the bombing at the Olympics in Atlanta. Says a lot about the county I moved into, and why not much has changed for the better here! SMH
*I really wish I could access this app on my laptop. Trying to use my phone... I have #RA . Isnt that "enough said"?? How helpful can an app be if I want to give up after typing out one sentence! *
Probably that’s what hurts... bad. When you’re taken for granted. Worse when you are dismissed, ignored, ridiculed. Forget sympathy there’s no empathy either. But yet you go on... do you dharma with no fear or favor. You decentre. You recognize none are in your orbit... none... and not even friends, loved ones, partner. Well I don’t even have any. I thought I had. But the penny has finally dropped. I was used. You merely become an instrument at best but as I feel now I’m not even that. I disappear, people won’t even blink. None’s memories will be stirred. There were setbacks. I struggled and still moved on. I have reached my end now. Trying to rationalize... Maybe I erred. And inadvertently hurt people. And I was confident and thought matters will figure out and clear out. No. It did not. Chickens have come home to roost. Now I’m in intense pain, grief and sorrow. Rejected, humiliated, violated and prostrate. Every night I sleep and pray I don’t wake up. I disappear. I end and my consciousness ends. Guess I have given more than an adequate shot to negate self, being in the present and such shit but life, its excruciating painful presence which my corporeal self experiences, is too overwhelming to philosophize. 😢 #SuicidalThoughts #Loneliness #useless