Oftentimes, the term “wallflower” has a negative meaning — it denotes someone who doesn’t stand out, is isolated, or feels excluded. But we don’t think there’s a lot of truth to that. Wallflowers can be strong, they can be observant, they can be the absolute best listeners of the bunch.
Do you consider yourself to be a someone thoughtful who’s on the outside looking in? Or are you in the middle of the noise, shining bright like a beacon?
I grew up without that feeling of being enough, without being appreciated or loved for who I was. Nobody really cared or asked what I believed or wanted, felt or hoped for.
Being introverted and highly sensitive on top of it, it was relatively easy for me to fit into a role that was carved out for me, deemed acceptable enough by my family - luckily, I love my own company, was easy going, quiet and obedient. I was the 'good girl' who did what she was told and didn't ask or expect any different from the world around her. I didn't know that a different world was possible or how this world could look or feel like for a very long time in my life.
I knew that I had obviously failed miserably trying to be what was expected of me. At the age of 6 my mother told me that 'she should have thrown me against the wall at birth' after complaining that I hadn't done my daily chore to her liking... a vision that never quite left me all my life.
I had also failed to be loved by my father, I guess... why, as I found out much later in life, would he otherwise agree to not ever seeing me again in exchange of my mother accepting full blame for a failed marriage at the family court? Thanks goodness this is now a thing of the past.
So at the age of 8, I was dealt with like the cards on and under the table. Shuffled about to fit into their lives. Used as payback to each other and as a joker to hit the other where it could hurt the most... only it didn't do any harm to them, the joke was completely on me:
The day came when my father moved out and I had to say goodbye to my dad. I was told by my mother that my dad was moving out as he wanted to marry another woman who also had two girls from another marriage. They would now become his daughters and who he obviously loved more than his own. Any correspondence and presents for birthdays he sent to me after that disappeared before they reached me... I was told he didn't want to know me anymore.
I learned early that I had to perform to be accepted, agree with others opinions and needs, not only to be seen but also to survive. Growing older, I had no voice and didn't really know what that even meant. I was never asked about my thoughts or opinions, they didn't really matter and why would anybody be interested in them anyway!
In school one was asked for assertiveness, the need to question and discuss, but my voice remained quiet and mouse-like. Painfully dodging any way to be myself, to be in the light to shine or stand out to be who I really was. Always hiding in the shadows.
Sadly, I wasn't allowed to take the courses at school that interested me - art was not what my mother deemed acceptable, and my failure of good grades did not improve in those subjects she asked me to take, no matter how hard she tried to knock them into me during her drunken weekend sessions.
A small circle of friends, girls from my class who I could be with, talk with and be without pretence, were also not the ones she wanted for me. She put an end to that closeness by secretly asking the school to move me to another class. Apparently their bad influence stopped my achievements - it wasn't the drunken scenes, late into the night, or the sleepless nights when I huddled under the doona hoping she wouldn't come back into my room to let me know how much she had done for me and how little I did to repay her for it, all the time hoping to relax as I had studied for the test the next day but had no hope to do well after nights like these.
She didn't even have the guts to warn me about it but let me walk to school after holidays, looking forward to seeing my friends again, only to find out that I was the only one who had been moved into another class in which I didn't know a single soul.
It took a lifetime to find that voice that should have been - only now at the age ovf 60+ do I start to feel brave enough to talk about those days when I was not good enough, not loved enough, and could not find peace.
As I learned to control my outer life by being agreeable, my inner life grew, expanded, dreamt of possibilities and hated the shackles that were placed on me from little on. My voice was always in there. It was stiffled, but it was waiting to be heard. It was bent into submission, shaped into size and place to please others, no matter of the pain this caused to me.
Both my parents have since died and my sister, 7 years my senior, is no longer talking to me. As she explained to me once, that with my arrival as a baby everything became hard and difficult, everything and everyone in the family changed once I was around - happiness disappeared for her as our mother couldn't cope any longer and I was obviously the reason for that. She talked of a happy childhood, parents I don't recognise - all negative change was down to me. Hard to take, but there it is.
My repeated attempts to establish an adult relationship in the hope to work through and heal some of the wounds we undoubtedly both suffered over those fateful years, has been rejected by her and the only reason given to me was once again the pain I had enforced on her. Now by simply bringing it up and reminding her about it... I have the feeling that she cannot function without the masks.
Go where you are celebrated and accepted not just tolerated'... I believe you have to drop those masks eventually.
Much Love to you all...
I was never good at making noise.
A small and timid little voice, non-existent confidence and a lack of self-believe. An easy target for anyone who knows what they want and how to get it.
The mantras of youth keep a grip on you, don't they?
It doesn't matter what age you find yourself as you awake, they are there in the back of your mind to influence you, either crippling you while creating havoc or offering strength and hope for every day.
They shaped you as you were young to either please others or grow into a confident being,
ready to face the world and tackle the problems as they arise.
Some I do remember so very well, the ones I had to exorcize from my brain doing the most damage where personal, but some are simple phrases used to control and silent the growing mind:
...Only speak when you are spoken to
...Be seen and not heard.
...If you have nothing nice to say - say nothing at all.
...As long as you have your feet under my table you do as you are told.
...And on and on it goes.
There are life-defining moments in everybody's life. They don't stop at eighteen, they start at birth and end with the last breath you take, the finale and biggest point of realisation in anybody's life, preceded by ups, downs and in-betweens.
Those special moments present themselves different for everyone, often not realized until later in life, they are what we build on and what we find important enough to saviour.
Some are lucky, having experienced the early moments in life defined by love, kindness and well-meaning guidance from the people around them. They know that their voice matters - their mothers told them so.
Some of us are not so lucky. We fought for attention, to be seen, to be heard and recognised. Some do this all their life: As child to survive, as adults to be heard and as parents to be valued. Most are thankful for simple signs that their life experience is respected by those who matter.
We work towards that balance when we can please others, yet be valued even without doing so. When our voice is valued for what it is: Experience in motion and growing wisdom as elders.
We soak up experiences when our voice and opinion is considered and recognised as worthy, When we are approached for our knowledge, seeked out without having to remind that it exists.
Most do find their voice, often after life has shaken them awake by one of those special moments, finally realising that it is necessary to go back and re-parent themselves in order to grow.
But being authentic, truthful and awake is not as welcome by as many as you might think! It's not easy going to get there, requires openness, truthfulness, dedication and a lot of work....
But you'll find that having done this work, it is not the end of the story, it is only the beginning.
You might have found your true, authentic self but lost those who are on different levels of their journey.
Now, you don't fit into the comfortable persona you have been exuding for others all your life. Your voice is not pleasing any longer -it demands the respect that some are not willing or able to give. Some prefer the easy going, fix-it-for-you people where growth is suspended and thought is not needed. No matter who you are, never right for all.
Another life-defining moment ahead.
Growth is indeed endless. You have to walk your path as who you truly are, not who others want you to be.
Who will be with you on that path from now on is a mutual decision, it's not just up to you but their decision too.
You must keep walking, no matter the losses along the way, you cannot make yourself small again for others... It's time for others to grow taller themselves as well.
I am sure that many people I know, would they ever read anything I write, would be truly aghast of what I have to say... not because they would find themselves now faced with that unwanted truth and consequences of actions, but simply because I now do talk about it. I break the silence. I break the norm, I dare to speak about it now.
That's not done in a 'happy' world!
Sorry, never was a fan of being a fake-it-til-you-make-it kinda girl...
Sending much love and strength for your personal journey... xo
I’ve come to discover what my siblings really think of me. And I have to honestly say that I’m trying hard to get over feeling the way that I feel. It’s like they are moving on and living their lives. While I’m stuck swimming in a pool of emotions. I took my mother into my care in 2020. Because she was living alone 8hrs away and was mixing her meds with alcohol. And when I traveled to check on her I was heartbroken. All of my 4 siblings saw the condition she was in and also her living environment. And we did a group call trying to figure out what to do next.
No one really knew what to do. But they didn’t seem to be doing anything about it at all besides just talking about it. I’m an at home mom so I volunteered to let her move in with me. In hopes that they will agree to help out. Which they all said they will send money to help, they will let her stay with them during holidays. All of this type of stuff lol. It’s hilarious because none of them kept their words after my mom’s first year with me. They did what they said they would do one time. But no more after that.
It’s saddening especially when these people are those that I have also helped. I’ve traveled long distances to support them, babysat their kids for weeks at a time. I’ve loaned money. And the thanks I get for all of the good I’ve done for each one of them. Is to overhear them talk about me behind my back and call me sorry. And to actually have a phone conversation with one who accused me of neglecting our mom when I went out on a date with my husband and didn’t include her. Hmm..
I’ve been on a journey of trying to self heal from all of this because this all happened this month. And November is almost over. And I’m still not over it. I went on a vow silence for a weekend. And it was a super beautiful experience. But two days was not enough for me to completely reap the benefits of silence. I wanted to tap into my inner peace but couldn’t really do that. I would like for it to be a month long experience but with me being a mom and having to take kids to appointments and meet with teachers it seems impossible.
I just need to figure out another way to heal from this realization that my siblings thinks horribly of me. Although, I have been there for them emotionally and financially. Please someone give me some advice. Because my next appointment with my therapist isn’t til after thanksgiving break. And this will be a stressful first holiday that I am absolutely heartbroken by my toxic family members. #sad #HSP #Highly Sensitive person aka hsp #Depression #Introvert #FamilyAndFriends #TheMighty
Time to move those ancient shadows that have been hanging over me, following wherever I go.
Time to leave behind walls that have stood solidly, built by myself to help me survive,
distract and avoid the memories that held them in place with fears that tried to define me.
Time to recognize false dreams and disappointments that have been holding me back. Time to let go of hopes and wishes that didn't even belong to me but belong to others, acting as my prison for much too long.
Time to open those heavy set gates and walk those ways. My own ways, trusting my own feelings and beliefs - openly and unashamed.
Those gates that beckon to believe again to finally swing open. Know yourself, find your truth, learn to grow and bravely be.
Now is the time. No other way forward, no alternative. Experience in waiting and wisdom to grow. Nothing can stop you from moving forward any longer.
Move those shadows! They hold you in place and recycle the darkness. You need the light to feel the truth and warmth of the sun. Find a better way, a true way, a way to believe in and be yourself.
It's true: It's all about Love in the end.
#PTSD #HSP #INFJ #HighlysensitivePerson #Introvert #Depression #Childhoodtrauma
I found solitude to be my safe haven. Being alone has become a love affair for me. I am married and a mom. So I don’t mean I’m alone in that capacity . But I am without any real friends who aren’t ghosting me out of the blue.
And I am without any real family members they all just use me.
My kindness has been taken advantage of and my feelings overlooked. I won’t beg anyone to choose me the way that I choose them. I’ll just be at peace with being alone. I am at peace with it.
I have never wronged anybody. I honestly don’t understand what it is. But I will no longer make sacrifices for others when they aren’t willing to do the same for me. I hate being an empath. But I’ll teach myself how to be selfish. I’ll practice a little more self love instead of going above and beyond for others. While they just leave me in the dark when I want to plan something with them.
It’s so weird and I have yet to wrap my head around it. I have to literally learn to add NO to my vocabulary the way that they freely use it to decline me. I’m sadden that it has come to this and I have warned them before that I’ll no longer call and that I’ll be practicing living a hermit lifestyle. When I did that they were all blowing up my phone trying to see what happened. And begged me not to do that. But nope for now on I’m gonna just enjoy the company of my husband and kids.
We will continue to plan our own adventures and celebrate our milestones without them. In tired of being there for others without receiving the same energy. I’m introverted so being alone is something that I find comfort in. I’ll just have to accept the fact that it’s now becoming a way of life for me.
I really hate when others go “why isn’t anyone talking?” or “be more social”.
That makes me mad.
I can’t socialize more, and now I won’t because of you saying that. I have social anxiety and look away from strangers to avoid being misgendered, and that’s if I’m lucky. And plus I don’t trust most individuals anyway to even be that social. Everytime I run into stuff like that online, it feels like a middle finger to my existence and to my problems saying “I don’t care if you feel uncomfortable.”
If I’m just lurking online, then don’t ever force me or tell me to join the conversation. I’m lurking and that’s that. Plain and simple. Don’t force me to talk or rush me to give an answer when I’m not feeling like it. Introverts exist. Stop telling us to socialize more. Stop making us the villains in school or work projects or whatever. Stop. It’s very annoying.
/nbh /vneg /srs
So I’ve realized that I miss lockdown.
Not the fear.
Not the death.
Not the strain on our healthcare system.
Not the risk for our workers.
Not being unable to see family.
But I miss the quiet.
The calm inside my house.
The way much of our workforce decided what was truly important and Zoomed for it.
That all appointments were cancelled or Skyped.
That so few decisions needed to be made by me.
That entire days could be spent on self-care.
The way the rest of the world finally had to be introverted, not the other way around like it always is.
That aspect is what I miss.